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‘Dorothy's New Friend’ Quotes

The Golden Girls: Dorothy's New Friend

315. Dorothy's New Friend

Aired January 16, 1988

Dorothy befriends a writer who is condescending towards Blanche and Rose.

Quote from Rose

Rose: I remember when I was a little girl back in St. Olaf. There was this old lady who lived up the street. She never smiled. I mean, she always looked angry. The kids said she'd kill anyone who even stepped on her property. We called her Mean Old Lady Higgenlooper.
Blanche: Yeah, kids can be pretty cruel.
Rose: No. That was her name. Mean Old Lady Higgenlooper. She had it changed legally 'cause everybody called her that anyway.
Blanche: Then how come your name isn't Big Dummy?
Rose: Well, there were already three other people in town with that name. But that's beside the point. One day I got up the courage to go up to Mean Old Lady Higgenlooper and ask her why she always frowned. Well, she had been born with no smiling muscles. I pointed out that a frown is just a smile turned upside down. So from then on, whenever I'd go by, she'd stand on her head and wave.

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Quote from Sophia

Barbara: Hi, Dorothy, Rose. I certainly hope tonight will help us forget what happened the other night.
Sophia: I already forgot what happened the other night. But then again I'm 82 years old. This morning I forgot my cat's been dead for 20 years. Which makes me wonder: Who's using the kitty litter?

Quote from Rose

Blanche: Barbara, that is such a stunning brooch. Wherever did you get it?
Barbara: Oh. I was in Morocco working on a novel, not to mention a dashing young Moroccan, when I had a severe attack of writer's block. My head was devoid of all ideas and thoughts.
Rose: That happens to me a lot.
Barbara: Do you write?
Rose: No. Why do you ask?

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: Barbara's taking me to the experimental theater downtown.
Blanche: Somebody dragged me to a show there one time. Three men paraded around the stage for five hours talking about God and eating graham crackers. They wore masks, but other than that, they were totally naked.
Rose: And you stayed through the whole evening?
Blanche: Well, I would've left, but one of the actors looked so familiar to me. But it was hard to tell since he had such a small part.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Barbara, I picked up your first novel the other day.
Barbara: Ah, yes. "So Dark the Waves on Biscayne Bay". I've grown so much as a writer since then.
Blanche: [chuckling] Well, I should hope so.
Dorothy: Blanche.
Barbara: No, it's all right. Did you have a problem with my book, dear?
Blanche: Yes, as a matter of fact, I did. All those waves. Big waves, little waves. Dark waves rolling in. Page after page. I had to take a Dramamine to get through chapter three.
Barbara: Blanche, the waves are a metaphor. You see, a metaphor...
Blanche: I know what a metaphor is, dear. I'm not a dummy.
Rose: Blanche, what's a metaphor?
Blanche: It's when you use a phrase to mean something else. Like when I say, "Men are blinded by my beauty," they're not really blinded. They get their sight back in a day or two.

Quote from Rose

Barbara: Well, I think I'd better be going to.
Rose: But it's still so early. I thought we could all have a game of oogle and floogle.
Barbara: I don't believe I've ever heard of that.
Rose: We used to play it back in St. Olaf. It's an adult version of hide-and-go-seek.
Barbara: And how does it differ from the children's version?
Rose: Adults play it.

Quote from Dorothy

Rose: Dorothy, what happened? Barbara just stormed out of here.
Dorothy: She's not coming back. You know, both of you were right about her. I can't believe that I couldn't see it. Can you ever forgive me?
Blanche: What do you think? Should we give her another chance?
Rose: We better. Best friends are hard to come by. Does this mean you'll go to the masquerade ball?
Dorothy: Yes. And I'll tell you something. After all the practice I have had lately, I'd be honored to be the horse's behind.

Quote from Rose

Blanche: Rose, what was your first impression of me?
Rose: I thought you wore too much makeup and were a slut. ... I was wrong. You don't wear too much makeup.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: I don't like Barbara. I think she's a phony.
Dorothy: Oh. This from a woman who tells her dates that she was Angie Dickinson's body double in Dressed to Kill.
Blanche: That's just a little white lie.
Dorothy: Then why is it on your job resumé?

Quote from Rose

Blanche: Well, Barbara, Dorothy tells us you're an author.
Barbara: No, I'm just a writer. Malamud's an author.
Rose: I thought malamuds were chocolate cookies with marshmallows in the middle.
Dorothy: Those are mallomars, Rose.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: Hi, Sophia. What you cooking?
Sophia: Lasagna, for a guy at the center.
Blanche: Oh! Is he cute?
Sophia: Cute. He's 84, doesn't have a hair on his head or a real tooth in his mouth, and his body's covered with liver spots. To answer your question, he's adorable.

Quote from Sophia

Rose: Look at the great costume I got for the masquerade ball. I can't decide whether to be the front end or the rear end.
Sophia: I'm in a romantic mood. I'm gonna let that golden opportunity pass right by.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: Dorothy, it'll be fun.
Dorothy: It will not be fun. There is no fun in my life. Have you ever felt like you're stuck in a rut, going through the motions with no joy, pleasure or excitement?
Sophia: Sure. That was my sex life with your father.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Ma, my job is routine. I have virtually no social life and nothing interests me. My life has just become dull and boring.
Sophia: Where's that sense of fun, that lighthearted laughter, that devil-may-care attitude?
Blanche: Sophia, when was Dorothy ever like that?
Sophia: Never. I've been asking her these questions since she was 12.

Quote from Dorothy

Blanche: Dorothy, you can't help it if you're dull and boring. God did that to give the world some variety. Otherwise, everybody would be just like me.
Dorothy: And there wouldn't be enough sailors to go around.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Wait a second. Barbara Thorndyke. Didn't she write "Evil Wind Over Pensacola"?
Dorothy: Oh, you know it?
Sophia: Know it? I go to bed with it every night.
Blanche: What's it about?
Sophia: How should I know? My mattress frame lost a caster. I use it to keep the bed level.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Now, Dorothy, if you're saying you can't get stimulating conversation around this house, I beg to differ.
Rose: I can't believe it. It says since Michael Jackson can't buy the Elephant Man, he's now put in a bid for the remains of the Big Bopper.
Blanche: Rose, you can't believe everything you read in that rag. It caters to people of the lowest intelligence.
Rose: Then why do you buy it?
Blanche: Because it's the only newspaper Elvis will talk to from beyond the grave.

Quote from Dorothy

Rose: Barbara Thorndyke is coming here? Wow. I've never met a real author before.
Blanche: I have. I once stood in line two hours at a bookstore for Arnold Schwarzenegger's autograph.
Dorothy: When I think of great literary figures of our time, it's usually, uh, Faulkner, Fitzgerald, and Schwarzenegger.
Rose: Did he sign your book?
Blanche: Yes. But only after he refused to sign my thigh.
Dorothy: He was probably intimidated to see a thigh bigger than his.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Go on, Barbara.
Barbara: I went for a walk in a crowded marketplace. A man came up behind me, put something in my hand, and said, "This is what you need."
Blanche: That happened to me once in the produce section at the A&P.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: What do you think?
Rose: There's something about her I don't like.
Blanche: Me, too.
Rose: I find her hard to talk to.
Blanche: Me, too.
Rose: She thinks I'm dumb.
Blanche: Me, too.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Ma, where are you going?
Sophia: It's Saturday night. I'm all dressed up. There's a car honking for me. Think, Dorothy. Remember something called "a date"?

Quote from Rose

Blanche: Rose, honey, would you pass me the tuffy.
Rose: Oh, with pleasure, Blanche.
Blanche: Thank you, Rose.
Rose: You're more than welcome, Blanche. You can always count on me to hand you the tuffy.
Blanche: I know. That's why I always ask you.
Dorothy: You know, I think I saw Jack and Janet give Chrissy this treatment on an episode of Three's Company.
Blanche: Oh, at last, a reference from Dorothy that even we illiterates can understand.
Rose: I guess her well of knowledge has run dry. That's a metaphor, Dorothy.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Barbara, this place is incredible.
Barbara: Yes. It's the hangout for Miami's literary intelligentsia.
Dorothy: Ah, thank you. Well, I've never seen a menu with a table of contents before.
Barbara: Skip ahead to chapter five. It's the lunch menu.
Dorothy: Oh, gee, everything sounds so good. "The Crepes of Wrath". "The Old Man and the Seafood Salad". I think I will have the "For Whom the Stuffed Bell Pepper Tolls".
Barbara: And I'll have a turkey sandwich on "Catcher in the Rye bread" with a side order of "George Bernard Slaw".

Quote from Dorothy

Waiter: Here we are, ladies.
Barbara: I didn't order the French fries.
Waiter: Oh, right. You get the "Edgar Allan Poe-tatoes" and the "Ice Water Cometh".
Dorothy: You know, a little of that goes a very long way.

Quote from Sophia

Barbara: This is my date, Norman. He's a student in my creative writing course.
Blanche: I didn't know you taught high school.
Barbara: Norman and I are the same age spiritually.
Sophia: Hey, listen, if you can get him to buy that, more power to you.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Boy, did I misjudge you. You know, Blanche and Rose were right. You are not the kind of person I want as a friend. Why don't you go to the Mortimer Club by yourself.
Barbara: I don't understand.
Dorothy: Let me spell it out for you. Go to hell.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Dorothy, the masquerade ball is Friday night. You know how much it means to me. I'm counting on you to be the rear end of my horse.
Dorothy: Rose, sweetheart, this Friday I can choose between rubbing elbows with Norman Mailer, or doing the hokey-pokey in a horse costume with your behind in my face.
Rose: Well, which is it gonna be?

Quote from Blanche

Rose: I'm having second thoughts about spending another evening with Barbara Thorndyke.
Blanche: Oh, honey, I don't think it'll hurt to give her another chance. Besides, we're going to the Mortimer Club.
Rose: What's the big deal about the Mortimer Club anyway?
Blanche: Rose, the wealthiest men in Florida go there. It's always been my experience that wealthy men make the best lovers.
Rose: Is that true?
Blanche: No. But if you tell them that, sometimes they'll take you to the mall and let you use their credit card for 45 minutes.


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