Mr. Gordon: Mrs. Petrillo.
Sophia: We met before. You were having a problem with my son, Phil.
Mr. Gordon: Oh, right. The problem with the dress code.
Sophia: I still don't understand the problem. He was wearing a dress.

Mr. Gordon: Well, a lot of my ex-students were surprised that I wasn't older, but, uh, they failed to realize I started teaching right out of college. I really wasn't much older than they were.
Dorothy: Well, I- I guess when you're 17, 23 can seem rather dangerous and forbidden.
Rose: When you're 17, a cow can seem dangerous and forbidden. Am I alone here?

Dorothy: Ma, enough with the pictures. Why don't you get us some coffee?
Sophia: 'Cause it gives me the trots.

Dorothy: Rose, we can't kill you here because there are cameras. Now, how did this happen?
Rose: Oh, I don't know. They just said they wanted two women who loved each other and slept together.
Dorothy: We do not sleep together!
Rose: Yes, you did. Last month, when- When Blanche was having her room repainted because the plaster behind her headboard all fell out.

Blanche: Listen, I'm not gonna do this.
Rose: Blanche, if you leave, they'll fire me.
Dorothy: Good. My mother is here. My teacher is here. Good.
Rose: If I lose my job, I won't be able to do anything but sit home and tell St. Olaf stories.
Blanche: Blackmail. Oh, very smart.
Rose: Hey, they don't call me Harold Goldstein for nothing.

Dorothy: Blanche, what made you decide to forgive Rose?
Blanche: Because I'm reasonable and kind and considerate, and I'm back in the game. I have a date tonight with a young man I met in the produce department at the market. I showed him how to thump a melon.
Sophia: There's a euphemism we haven't heard before.
Blanche: I realized something. Just because every man in my life thinks I'm a lesbian doesn't mean there aren't thousands and hundreds and millions of men out there who don't. [doorbell rings] That must be my melon man.
Dorothy: Zorro rides again.

Blanche: A crush on the teacher. Ah, I had those. Course, I had to hide them because they made the principal jealous. Actually, though, once, I did have a fling with the calculus teacher.
Dorothy: Oh, and did you get an A?
Blanche: More like a full scholarship to MIT.

Blanche: Why, my God, Rose, open your eyes! This is exactly the kind of exposure I've been lookin' for.
Sophia: Please, enough of your exposure. We've already lost three gardeners.

Rose: Oh, sorry, Sophia. There's only room for two more guests on the panel.
Sophia: That's not fair. Why should I be left out? If I don't do it, Dorothy won't do it.
Dorothy: So, when do you want me there?

Dorothy: Oh, Mr. Gordon.
Mr. Gordon: Dorothy, you look wonderful.
Dorothy: [girlishly] Oh, thank you, Mr. Gordon.
Mr. Gordon: Hey, no more of that Mr. Gordon stuff. It's Malcolm.
Dorothy: Absolutely, Mr. Malcolm.