Blanche: Girls, quick. I need some advice.
Sophia: Wear half as much makeup and twice as much underwear. Take it as a standing recommendation.

Sophia: Boy, am I steamed! They took Pat Sajak off Wheel of Fortune.
Dorothy: Well, that's because he has his own late-night talk show now.
Sophia: Oh, yeah, right. The man spins a big wooden wheel for eight years, suddenly he's discussing detente with Henry Kissinger. What else happened lately? Mike Tyson hosting Masterpiece Theatre?

Dorothy: Ma, why are you so cranky today?
Sophia: I'm not cranky. I'm gassy. I had one of those Weight Watchers broccoli au gratins for lunch. Boy, that stuff's murder. I'm surprised Lynn Redgrave has a friend in the world.

Rose: Dorothy, I just had a great idea. Why don't you become my assistant?
Dorothy: Oh, Rose, forget it. Forget it. I don't want to get involved in sports with you. No, Rose, you're too competitive. You just take all the fun out of it.
Rose: Not anymore, Dorothy, really. Believe me, all I care about is that these kids have a really good time.
Dorothy: Well, all right. I mean, if you really mean it, you can count me in.
Rose: Oh, great. Oh, with your help, Dorothy, we'll kick their butts. We'll chew 'em up and spit 'em out. We'll make 'em eat dirt for breakfast. ... Because breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

Dorothy: Uh, last but not least, Billy Haskell.
Sophia: 72. [all cheer]
Dorothy: Wait a minute, wait, wait, wait. Wait a minute, wait a minute. [removes a book stuffed inside Billy's shirt] How much does he weigh now, Ma?
Sophia: 68. [all aww]
Billy: Sorry, Coach Rose. I tried.
Rose: I don't know what you're talking about.
Billy: Well, you said to take the book...
Rose: And study. Study, study, study, study.

Dorothy: Thanks a lot, Rose. You just taught a bunch of eight-year-old boys that it's more important to win than to play by the rules.
Rose: Big deal! Two pounds? He's our best player. If Billy doesn't play, the team can't win.
Dorothy: Rose, rules were made for people like Billy. Little bodies don't like it when big bodies fall on them.
Sophia: Which is why Raymond Burr never married.

Blanche: I'm seeing that man I told you about I met in the bar, John Quinn. Just got off the phone with him.
Rose: And he asked you out for tonight?
Blanche: Yes! I know it's a little quick, but when Blanche Devereaux wants a man, she does not stand on ceremony.
Sophia: Or the floor.

Blanche: Hello, John. Well, how do I look?
Dorothy: Blanche.
Blanche: Am I just the most adorable thing you ever saw?
Dorothy: Blanche.
Blanche: What's the matter, are you blinded by my beauty?
Rose: Blanche!
Blanche: Oh, my God.
Sophia: Want a glass of water to wash down your foot?

Rose: Now, the tight end decoys, so it looks like we're running a draw play, then he slips into a soft spot in the zone over the middle, the flanker fakes a screen then runs a reverse behind the halfback, which gives the quarterback two options-
Dorothy: For God's sake, Rose, Eisenhower used less chalk planning D-day.

Freddy: Coach Dorothy, can Billy and I get weighed together and we divide it?
Dorothy: Oh, I'm sorry. Nice try. You're beginning to think like a fourth-grader already.
Freddy: [to Rose] I told you it wouldn't work.