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‘The Impotence of Being Ernest’ Quotes

The Golden Girls: The Impotence of Being Ernest

413. The Impotence of Being Ernest

Aired February 4, 1989

Rose thinks things are going great with her new boyfriend, Ernie, but she wonders why he's yet to make a move. Meanwhile, Dorothy is concerned that Sophia is going to do something drastic when she is entrusted with carrying out a Sicilian vendetta.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Well, Rose has a date and I don't. What are the odds of something like this happening? There's probably a better chance of getting struck by lightning in a house you won from Ed McMahon.

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Quote from Rose

Ernie: How's your souffle, Rose?
Rose: Delicious. I never did get the hang of making these. Boy, there is nothing more frustrating than waiting for one of these suckers to rise and it just won't. ... That's no reflection on you, Ernie.

Quote from Rose

Rose: If you ask me, people rely too much on sex in relationships, anyway.
Ernie: You're right. I mean, what is sex, after all?
Rose: Two clunky old bodies thrashing around against each other. Like animals.
Ernie: You get all sweaty and flushed.
Rose: Your hair gets mussed.
Ernie: You lose your breath.
Rose: You lose your earrings.
Ernie: Your mouth waters.
Rose: Your nose runs.
Ernie: Your heart races.
Rose: Your blood races.
Ernie: Rose.
Rose: Say it, Ernie.
Ernie: It's time, Rose.
Rose: Check, please!

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: Well, looks like everything worked out after all.
Rose: Were you three listening to our conversation?
Dorothy: Absolutely not. You know we would never eavesdrop.
Sophia: They made me do it. When I turn my hearing aid up to ten, I can hear a canary break wind in Lauderdale.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Blanche, I'm sure it's a fluke that nobody called you for a date.
Sophia: They must have painted the men's room walls at the Pizza Hut.

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: Ma, what is going on? Ever since you got that feather in the mail, you've been acting like a spy. I'm surprised you didn't check to see if someone was hiding out in the broom closet.
Sophia: Broom closet, right.
Dorothy: This is ridiculous, Ma.
Blanche: Oh, Dorothy, now she's right. I happen to know for a fact that at least two people can fit into the broom closet with room left over for a medium-sized cold-cut platter.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Gin.
Blanche: Sophia, we're playing hearts.
Sophia: I know. I felt like drinking some. If I'm gonna get through a boring Saturday night with you two, I'll need a buzz.

Quote from Dorothy

Sophia: Oh, from Sicily. A gift from Cousin Vito.
Dorothy: A feather. That's a message of some kind, isn't it?
Sophia: What are you babbling about?
Dorothy: Don't play dumb, with me, Ma. Everything from Sicily means something. A black rose means a family member is dying. A white carnation means a newborn is on the way. A dead rabbit means, "My husband knows. Get out of town."
Rose: Knows what?
Dorothy: The score to South Pacific, Rose.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: I hoped I could spare you this, Dorothy, but it's best you know what's going on. It's about Sonny Venuchio as in the famous Venuchio vendetta.
Dorothy: I never heard of that.
Sophia: Who asked you? This is a speech, not a quiz. It began when your great-grandfather, Nicodemo, was run down by Marco Venuchio's milk wagon.
Blanche: He ran him down in cold blood?
Sophia: Very cold. Grandpa was already dead. Unfortunately, there was a gravediggers' strike, so the family was using him as a temporary scarecrow. The high winds tipped him over and Marco used him as a speed bump.
Blanche: But, Sophia, if it wasn't Marco's fault-
Sophia: It doesn't have to be his fault. It's a vendetta, not The People's Court. Anyway, there's only one Venuchio alive today. Sonny. That feather from Vito meant he's somewhere down here in Miami, so now it's up to me to take care of him.
Dorothy: Oh, Ma. Do you really expect us to believe that you're gonna go through with this?
Sophia: Believe what you want, Dorothy. Sicilians take these things very seriously. You know what might happen if I didn't do my duty?
Blanche: What?
Sophia: Free swimming lessons with a cement kickboard.

Quote from Sophia

Rose: In fact, I think I love him.
Dorothy: Oh, honey. Rose, that's wonderful.
Rose: But I still can't understand why he hasn't even approached the subject of... you know, sex. I mean, not that I'm in a hurry or anything but we have been dating a while now.
Blanche: Honey, sometimes you have to stoke a man's fire a little bit.
Sophia: Words of wisdom from the human torch.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Oh, I can't do it. I can't ask him to go away with me. I've never learned how to be aggressive.
Blanche: Honey, it's as easy as riding a bicycle.
Rose: I never learned how to ride a bicycle.
Dorothy: It's as easy as falling off a bicycle.
Rose: Really? Well, that is easy. Thanks, Dorothy. [exits]
Dorothy: It was just a hunch.

Quote from Rose

Ernie: Oh, Rose, I'm having a wonderful time. You're a lot of fun to be with.
Rose: Oh, I'm having a good time too. I don't think I've had this much fun since I was a little girl back in St. Olaf. I remember once when I was about ten...
Ernie: You were about to tell a story. Why did you stop?
Rose: Well, this is usually when Dorothy and Blanche interrupt me. Anyway, I'd always go to the movies every Saturday afternoon with all my friends. Oh, we'd have a ball. The only problem was that our town theater was designed for silent movies.
Ernie: They never put in a sound system?
Rose: No. Luckily, our schoolteacher, Miss Sigerson, was an expert lipreader. She'd do all the dialogue. There were some problems sometimes. Through most of Citizen Kane, we all thought everybody was looking for a rowboat.

Quote from Blanche

Rose: I can't talk about this.
Dorothy: Oh, of course you can. Rose, We're your friends. We're here to listen. I mean, we've all spoken at one time or another about a sexual problem.
Blanche: Not me.
Dorothy: It's not your fault, and it's not Ernie's. I mean, we've all been with a man who couldn't perform.
Blanche: Not me.
Rose: I just feel so so undesirable.
Dorothy: Oh, honey, we all have at some point. I know, Blanche, not you!

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: Rose, how about you and Ernie seeing a sex therapist?
Rose: Well, I suppose I could talk to Ernie. Maybe we could make an appointment.
Blanche: Well, sex therapy is one solution, but there are other ways.
Dorothy: Oh, Blanche, dessert toppings are not the answer.
Blanche: I was talking about patience. Rose, just tell Ernie that sex is not the most important part of a relationship. Just ask anybody married to an Englishman.

Quote from Rose

Ernie: I know why you called me, Rose. I know why you wanted to have dinner.
Rose: You do?
Ernie: You wanted to tell me that maybe we should stop seeing each other.
Rose: Ernie, that's not true.
Ernie: Come on, Rose. I mean, after all, you can't be happy with the way things are. I mean, you're a healthy, active, sexy woman.
Rose: Well, I'm also a patient woman, Ernie. I mean, really. I'm probably the most patient person you know. Go ahead. Try to think of somebody else. I'll wait.

Quote from Blanche

Rose: Good morning.
Dorothy: Well, good morning.
Blanche: Rose Nylund, you little devil. Just look at you.
Rose: What?
Blanche: Don't you get coy with me. I can tell. The rosy cheeks, the bright smile, the distant, not-quite-there expression.
Sophia: She looks that way every day. What's your point?
Blanche: [sing-song] Rose has been with a man.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Hey, she didn't even tell us how it happened.
Sophia: Same way it happened the last time you did it. Of course, hairstyles may have changed since then.

Quote from Rose

Blanche: Now, honey, don't you be depressed. What you did was wonderful. And it's all because you're such a kind and sensitive and caring person. You gave him back his manhood.
Rose: If he can find it, he can have it. He's probably the worst lover I've ever had.
Blanche: I'll get the ice cream.
Dorothy: I'll get the cheesecake.
Sophia: I'll get the Etch A Sketch. At my age, I need a visual aid.


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