Blanche: Oh, Dorothy, I'm just so angry! Floyd McCallan just called me one hour before he's supposed to pick me up in his brand new two-tone Mercedes. He's canceled our date for tonight!
Dorothy: Well, he probably had a good reason.
Blanche: He said he had to go visit his sick mother in the hospital. Did you ever hear such a weak excuse?
Dorothy: And his mother isn't in the hospital.
Blanche: Well, of course she is, but he can visit her anytime. He can only see me tonight.

Blanche: Rose tells us you're getting married.
Sven: Yes, and I hope I'm good at it. I don't have that much experience with women.
Blanche: A big, strong, handsome thing like you? Get out of here.
Sven: Well, it was nice meeting all of you. [exits]
Rose: Oh, that was an expression! Sven!
Blanche: You know, I never thought I'd say this but I think Rose got the brains in that family.

Sophia: Meet me out front, Dorothy. I'm gonna pull the car around.
Dorothy: Ma, hold it. Hold it. I told you last night, we don't do any driving until we've gone over all the rules in the driving manual.
Sophia: What's to go over?
Dorothy: "How much distance should there be between you and a fire hydrant?"
Sophia: What am I, a poodle?

Rose: Sven, I have some bad news.
Sven: Is it bad news?
Rose: Yes, it's bad.
Sophia: Were you two the cousins who play the banjo in Deliverance?

Dorothy: I am never getting into a car with you again. Ever.
Sophia: I can't believe you're being such a wimp.
Dorothy: Ma, you went through the stop sign, you hit a mailbox, you almost ran over Mrs. Burlfine!
Sophia: Please, the woman's already in a wheelchair. How much more damage could I do

Dorothy: Rose, everything okay down at the counseling center?
Rose: Yes, finally. We had a manic depressive overload. Luckily Dr. Ferguson had heard some new knock-knock jokes and that seemed to do the trick.
Dorothy: [chuckling] Knock-knock?
Rose: Who's there?
Dorothy: Oh, shut up, Rose!

Dorothy: You know, I once made the same mistake myself. I was dating a guy my parents could not stand. He used to come over to the house during Sunday dinner, help himself to some food, take it into the living room, turn on one of those radio countdown shows and belch to the music. Well, finally my mother told me that I just had to break it off and of course I knew she was right. So I rehearsed my speech and I made arrangements to meet him at a coffee shop. Oh, I got there five minutes early and caught him necking with a waitress.
Blanche: Oh!
Rose: Well, that must've made it easier.
Dorothy: No, I still could not do it.
Blanche: Dorothy, how long had you been together with this guy?
Dorothy: Thirty-eight years.
Rose: That was Stan?
Dorothy: And you know, to this day, he can belch out the chorus to Sweet Georgia Brown on one Dr. Pepper.

Dorothy: A driver's license? Ma, how did you get this?
Sophia: Hard work and determination. If you put your mind to it, you can do anything.
Dorothy: Look, Ma, I absolutely forbid you to drive a car.
Sophia: Ooh, look, Dorothy, I'm shaking.
Dorothy: Ma, I mean it!
Sophia: Lighten up. I told you before, I only want a license to have, not to use. It's a symbol of my freedom, my independence. Now give me 50 dollars.
Dorothy: What for?
Sophia: A guy named Paco who makes these babies up in his garage.

Blanche: The point is for the second time in two days I have been thrown over for a younger woman. I can't- I can't compete anymore.
Dorothy: Oh, honey, of course you can.
Rose: Well, you just have to compete in a different way, like, with intelligence and charm.
Blanche: I don't know those ways, Rose, and I'm too old to learn. I'm over the hill, that's all there is to it. [phone rings] I guess I'm just in the same boat as the two of you. [answering phone] Hello? Yes. [giggles] All right. Goodbye. What do you know. Floyd McCallan is taking me sailing today. I guess you two are in the same boat. I'm in the yacht.
Rose: What's this boat she keeps talking about?
Dorothy: Don't worry, Rose. You missed it.

Rose: In the old country when a woman dumps a man, the man is allowed to shave the woman's head and make her wear an itchy hat.
Dorothy: I hear Pakistan has the same penalty for jaywalking.