TV Quotes

Barry: My perfect girl? Well, she should have big blue eyes, and big blonde hair.
Beverly: Mmm, she sounds fun.
Barry: She shouldn't be afraid to speak her mind, you know? I mean, she should have a sensitive side, but still be a hard-ass.
Beverly: Oh, sit up straight, honey.
Barry: And I want her to take care of me. Cook, pick up my stuff, make me hot pockets.
Beverly: Mmm.
Barry: By the way, thank you for the hot pocket.
Beverly: All right, and I'm on the case for my sweet, handsome, delicious boy.
Erica: You know you just described mom.
Barry: What!? I did n- Oh, my God! Mom! I meant a brunette who doesn't cook at all. And she's gotta be super shy and not related to me at all.

Erica: What the hell is going on? Is Barry forcing you to be here?
Adam: No, I'm here by choice.
Erica: If you're in trouble, blink.

Adam: Falcon has eyes on the target. I repeat Falcon is closing in.
Barry: Whoa, wait. I wanted to be Falcon.
Adam: Fine. Golden Eagle is on the move.
Barry: Oh, man, that's way better. I'm that!
Adam: Just pick a name!
Barry: Fine! I'm Golden Falcon Shark. Over.

Beverly: Trust me, dad. I know what's best for you.
Murray: She knows what's best.
Pops: The hell she does. Bevy, you just can't help yourself. You have to mix in.
Beverly: I'm not mixing in. I'm just trying to tell you what to do, even though you don't want me to.

Barry: Boobs. I see scrambled boobs.

Adam: Whoa! I'm okay. I'm okay. It's kind of steep up here. Over.
Barry: Be careful. I love you. I mean never mind. Over.
Adam: It's okay. It's out there now. I love you, too.
Barry: Whatever. Over.

Barry: Listen, I know dad is paying you 20 bucks to watch us. I have something even better to make you look the other way.
Erica: A library card?
Barry: Walk away.

Beverly: Forget it. If you want to waste your time with women half your age in a pit that smells like a shoe, have at it.
Pops: Oh, don't be like that. It's just a date. There'll be others.
Beverly: No, there won't be. Sophia was perfect, and you blew it. All I wanted was to find you someone who will love you and make you happy.
Pops: Yeah, well, that's not what I want.
Beverly: Why not?
Pops: Because I already had that with your mother. Go home, Bev, please.

Barry: Come on, Adam! You can't hide forever.
Adam: Can't you please just forget this ever happened?
Barry: No! You've broken the unspoken agreement. We do not punch face.
Adam: You never told me that!
Barry: It was unspoken! But the line has been crossed, and there's no going back! Starting now, it's all face punches, all the time!

Adam: For the record, it wasn't just about the boobs for me. It was just cool hanging out with you.
Barry: Had its moments.

Beverly: I just wanted you to have someone you loved to make new memories with.
Pops: That's what you guys are for.

Erica: Trust me, Barry doesn't have the guts to punch you in the eyeball.
Barry: I do, too, have the guts. I'm, like, 90% gut.

Beverly: Murray, you're really not helping me right now.
Will you please just give him your honest opinion about how you feel about this?
Murray: You want my honest opinion?
Well, I think he's doing great on his own.
Beverly: Get out.
Murray: Good-bye.

Barry: I've had this migraine that won't go away.
Adam: Seriously? Me, too.
Barry: Maybe squinting at the TV for hours at a time just isn't so good for our brains.
Adam: I fell down at school today.
Barry: I had a scrambled dream last night.

Barry: I know this dude who knows this other dude who went up to the roof and got every channel by jamming a pair of tweezers into the antenna thingy.
Adam: That sounds like a great idea!
Barry: So it's settled.
Next time we're home alone, you'll go up to the roof, and I'll stay down here and see if it works.
Adam: Why do I have to go?
Barry: 'Cause you have tiny little fingers that make it easy to get into places and poke at live electrical wires.
Adam: You're making a lot of sense today.

Murray: Uh, do me a favor. Watch the morons tonight.
Erica: What do I get out of it?
Murray: Your dad's gratitude.
Erica: So nothing?
Murray: Twenty bucks.
Erica: Love you, daddy.

Erica: Are you crazy? Why the hell were you on the roof?
Barry: Roof? Who was on the roof? No one fell off the roof.
Adam: I fell off nothing onto nothing.

Barry: Okay, it was Adam's idea, okay? He was the one who found the naked channel in the first place, then he got greedy and wanted more, so he went to the roof. It was all him!
Adam: Are you kidding me?!
Barry: Don't drag me down with you, perv! You got problems, man! You got serious problems!

Beverly: Do you know how much time it took me to find you an amazing woman for tonight?
Pops: Well, I found two so-so women in no time. Stop working so hard.

Erica: Adam, come out. He's not gonna punch you in the face.
Barry: Nice. You lure him out, and I'll cold-cock him in the eyeball.

Beverly: I'm sorry, too. You were right. I always mix in, and I think I know what's best for everyone. But I mean well.
Pops: And that's the only thing that makes it okay, honey.

Beverly: It makes sense now why you never get serious with anyone. They're just not mom.
Pops: She was one of a kind.
Beverly: Yeah, she was.

Adam: Get out.
Barry: You get out.
Adam: General Hospital's on.
Barry: Lame.
Adam: Like your puppet show's any better?
Barry: He's not a puppet. He's Alf. He eats cats and says what he thinks.

Pops: Good morning!
Beverly: Wow, dad, don't you look dapper? Big date tonight?
Pops: Actually, I just finished my date from last night.
Adam: Was this the aerobics instructor?
Eric: The antiques dealer?
Pops: No. This was the manager from Coco's. I ordered the steak, she ordered the me.

Beverly: I can help you find the perfect woman. I have a gift. Tell him, Murray.
Murray: She has a gift, this one.
Beverly: Fact, 16 of my setups led to marriage, which resulted in 37 children. I did that. I created life.
Murray: She's like God.

Beverly: I think you're really gonna love being set up by your daughter.
Pops: See? Now you're saying something that's bad, but you're saying it like it's good. You're very confusing today.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Every day after school, I had a tradition with my big sis, Erica. General Hospital. It was more than a soap opera. It was an obsession.
Erica: God, I hate Luke.
Adam: Me, too.
Erica: But I'm drawn to his danger.
Adam: Who isn't?

Pops: I really wanna meet this woman.
Murray: Can you imagine? Marriage is nice, too!