Barry: There they are, all my former flames. Just a little bit dimmer. Here, let me throw some kerosene on that.
Lainey: And what are these for?
Barry: For your bravery.
Ren: Why are we brave, exactly?
Barry: Well, you showed up here at the great personal cost of being around me and my erotically potent lady friend, Joanne.
Geoff: She's also my sister, so it takes time getting used to.
Barry: Anyway, you gutsy spinsters need help with your bags?
Lainey: Oh, we're good. The guys are on it.

Joanne: Barry, this is great. You were worried about nothing. All of your exes are thriving.
Barry: Oh, sweet, impossibly naive Joanne, don't you see? They're not thriving. They're dying inside.
Joanne: They are?
Barry: Yes. It's all an elaborate, multi-person charade to hide their true feelings for moi. It would be sad if it wasn't hilarious. [laughs] Laugh with me. [forced laughing]

Adam: Maybe I can see what you have so far?
Lou Schwartz: No, no, no, no. You can start by fueling up our creative tank with coffee.
Adam: Oh, I'm no good with tasks.
Other Adam Goldberg: That's the industry, kid. You start at the bottom and work your way up to paying rent to live in your nana's sunroom.

Naked Rob: How exactly are Lainey, Ren, and Valley Erica ruining the weekend?
Barry: Well, it's become painfully clear that they're not over me and desperately want me back.
Naked Rob: That is not clear.
Matt: One of them is married.
Andy: Yeah, last night I heard Stephan and Ren's fondness for each other through the wall.
Barry: They snatched up a trio of losers to try and ease the pain of seeing me.
Andy: Dude. Steve runs with the brat pack's B-team, Dr. Steve rebuilt Jeff Hornacek's knee, and Stephan's butt and jaw were just featured in a Calvin Klein magazine ad! [chuckles] I took a look. It's nice.

Barry: So there's only one thing to do.
Matt: Nothing. It's obviously nothing.
Barry: I will shame their boyfriends with my intense masculinity until they are forced to leave under a cloud of humiliation.
Naked Rob: How would that help anything?
Barry: It will force my exes to admit their undying love for me. Then, after many tears, we can all begin to heal.
Matt: I guess from a twisted, shoehorned, almost 100% wrong point of view, that makes some sense.
Barry: Some indeed.

Adam: Hey. Did you finish the video yet?
Other Adam Goldberg: Just slapped my "a film by" credit on to let the crew know they're just cogs.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] And just like that, I was alone with the tape. It would be so easy to destroy.
Lou Schwartz: Hello, Adam.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Or not.
Lou Schwartz: What have you got in your hand there?
Adam: Just your finished video.
Lou Schwartz: Easy now. Set the tape down, slow.
Adam: I think I'm gonna hold onto it for a sec.
Lou Schwartz: Don't do anything stupid, son. [grabs tape] There! We're all safe now.
Adam: Argh! Dr. Schwartz, please! As a doctor, a pillar of the community, and as a father, don't do this. Be the bigger man.
Lou Schwartz: Maybe you're right. Maybe I have taken this too far.
Adam: It's okay. You're not the only one. You should see what my mom was doing to the seating chart.
Lou Schwartz: Oh?
Adam: Well, let's just say your family was pushed behind the carving station.
Lou Schwartz: I understand.

Lou Schwartz: I don't understand! Cousin Marlene is in the overflow room? She has a palsied foot!
Beverly: You like that? Well, wait till you see where I put your parents.
Lou Schwartz: The freight elevator, next to Great Uncle Yankel?
Beverly: You [bleep] with Bev, you get [bleep].
Adam: Okay, there's the low point.
Lou Schwartz: The wedding is off!
Adam: And yet lower we go.
Beverly: You can't call the wedding off because I'm calling it off.
Adam: Neither of you can call it off.
Beverly: Fine! The wedding is back on, but I will make sure it is terrible for you.
Lou Schwartz: Oh, you don't know terrible!
Adam: Trust me, no one knows terrible more than she does, man.

Geoff: The trophy goes to...
Barry: Me! Or it will, after our last competition, a rap battle between me and Dr. Steve for 100 points.
Lainey: You're behind by 200.
Barry: One million points.
Erica: Yeah, let me just check the rules. No.

Joanne: Barry, can I talk to you privately?
Barry: Not now. I'm about to drop some funky cold medina.
Geoff: Okay, Big Tasty, you can begin or whatever.
Barry: [raps] # Dr. Steve Older than the hills # You gotta help him walk or he'll take big spills # Hollywood Steve ain't nothing like me # Just a poor man's Aames a wee Willie Wee # Stephan can't understand a word # Body by Jake but the face of a turd # And then there's me the greatest ex-boyfriend # The man who rocked the world of Lainey that one and Ren!
Dr. Steve: Wow. I mean, I think we have our winner, but what the heck, I will give it a try. Do I have to spit as much as he did?
Erica: Please don't.
Dr. Steve: [raps] #Geoff and Erica, a love born so true # For him and for her there's nothing they won't do # When Geoff first saw you his loving heart was slain # A woman so strong who still had hands like the rain # Delicate and soft a touch he needed # So to his deepest passion this great man heeded # So together, they embark on their journey of love # A God-given miracle from heaven above! # [all cheering and applauding]

Andy: That was amazing!
Erica: That made my entire weekend.
Geoff: Dr. Steve, how did you do that?
Dr. Steve: Well, I kind of channeled all the love I'm feeling in this house, I guess.
Barry: I have two words for you...
Joanne: Nice job?
Barry: You suck and you're old!
Dr. Steve: Well, that was five words, and I'm 36.
Joanne: My God, enough! This whole weekend, you've been trying to impress your exes, barely paying attention to me. You're not over any of them. But at least now it's clear who you are over. Me.