Adult Adam: [v.o.] While my mom was pursuing her rose celebration, Erica's wedding run-up was feeling less than celebratory.
Erica: Hi. Erica Goldberg. I'm here to try on dresses.
Lydia: Perfect. Just let me know when the rest of your party gets here.
Erica: Actually, it's just gonna be me today.
Lydia: No maid of honor?
Erica: Again, just me.
Lydia: Sisters?
Erica: Just me.
Lydia: Cousins?
Erica: Nope.
Lydia: Work friends?
Erica: Flying solo.
Lydia: College friends?
Erica: Going it alone.
Lydia: New friends?
Erica: Party of one.
Lydia: Well, what about your mother?
Erica: [chuckles] Oh, God, no. She's the best, but also the worst. So I'm doing this round, and then she promised to come and be awful when I settle on something.

Matt Schernecke: "Congrats Matt Schernecke on his sly turn as Rooster Hannigan in Annie"?
Dave Kim: That performance was wildly uneven.
Adam: Agreed. The choreography on "Easy Street" swallowed him whole. But the bigger question is, what gives?
Principal Ball: [over P.A.] Good day, students. First off, I'd like to give a verbal high-five to the kid in the back brace.
Dave Kim: He has a name. I think it's Adnan, but I'm not positive.
Principal Ball: Also, to Adam Goldberg, for locking up the AV club's Oscar Award for his cheeky parody, The Second-to-Last Starfighter.
Adam: It definitely put the original in its place.
Beverly: [in Principal Ball's office] And the rose-kissy thing?
Principal Ball: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm... I'm getting to that. And you're too close to the mic.
Beverly: They can't hear me. Just say it.
Principal Ball: Yeah, okay. And also remember that our less-coordinated students will be honored Friday at our first annual Non-Athlete Senior Night. Invite your mamas.

Adam: Non-Athlete Senior Night? This is a stretch, even for you.
Beverly: Wha...?
Adam: This attention isn't real! Just my mom wants her own rose ceremony!
Matt Schernecke: A win's a win.
Dave Kim: Sydney, I've made a mess. [Sydney clears frosting off Dave Kim's nose]

Carla: 'Sup, fools?
Erica: Carla? I thought you said you were too busy to help.
Carla: That's 'cause I don't like being in charge, but I'm happy to be the getaway driver.
Erica: Metaphorically?
Carla: Sure.

Carla: So, what do we got?
Joanne: I put together a list of typical bridal activities, a spa day, brunch, getting our hair and makeup done.
Erica: Ooh, those sound so normal.
Joanne: That's why we're doing none of them. We're going to a monster truck rally.
Carla: Oh. I went yesterday, but I'll go again.
Erica: I don't know. That seems really loud. What if we did extreme versions of the stuff you already crossed off? Or maybe not extreme at all.
Joanne: Well, it's your rodeo.
Carla: Yes! A prison rodeo! My cousin's the head clown.

Adam: We want you to reverse the cultural changes you've made at our school.
Brian Walls: Yesterday, I went to lovingly wedgie a band kid, but I couldn't because he was on the shoulders of five cheerleaders.
Principal Ball: Believe me if it were up to me, that dweeb's underwear would be gently but hilariously tattered and torn.
Brian Corbett: And I've gone two days without someone decorating my locker. Have I become a nobody?
Principal Ball: You're always somebody to me.
Brian Corbett: That means nothing!
Principal Ball: None of this makes any sense. This morning, that nerd Matt Schernecke said hi to me in front of everyone. So embarrassing!
Brian Walls: If Dave Kim's getting a cupcake from Sydney the cheerleader, then my cupcake doesn't feel special. I mean, even though I'm dating Sydney.
Adam: Okay, that last argument's kind of convoluted, but you get it.
Principal Ball: I'm persuaded. Going back to the old system.
Adam: So, you'll be canceling Non-Athlete Senior Night?
Principal Ball: Oh, that I can't do. Your mother was very menacing. And she invoked laws I'm too lazy to verify.
Adam: But nobody wants it! Guys, help me out here.
Brian Corbett: We don't care about that. We just want cheerleaders to bake us stuff.
Principal Ball: I'm sorry, Mr. Goldberg, fair is fair. The athletes got their big night, the non-athletes get theirs.

Joanne: Okay, would Geoff rather make out in public, or...
Erica: Whatever the second thing is.
Joanne: Correct! [laughter] He'd rather die in a house fire.

Carla: [singsong voice] Cake time!
Erica: Oh, wow, that's big.
Joanne: Well, it kind of had to be. You'll see.
Johnny Atkins: [emerges from cake] Surprise! [Carla gasps] Is it time? It's so dark and scary in there.
Erica: Oh, God.
Carla: Erica, you get the first piece.
Johnny Atkins: Technically the second. I got pretty hungry on the van ride over.
Erica: That's okay, I'm good.
Carla: Why not? Is my boyfriend not hot enough for you?
Erica: That's the thing, he's too hot. He's sweating all over the frosting.
Carla: You should be so lucky as to eat frosting that touched my man.

Geoff: Knock, knock! Groom in the room!
Erica: It's okay, Geoff. There's nothing to see here.
Geoff: Full disclosure, it was gonna be me in the cake, but with my crippling claustrophobia, nobody thought it was a good idea.
Erica: The problem isn't who was in my cake. The problem is that someone was in my cake.
Joanne: Geez, someone is hard to please.
Erica: Look, it's not your fault that you planned something I intensely hate. You just don't know me at all.

Beverly: Schmoop-a-poop, I have our outfits for our big night.
Adam: Wow. So much class and pizzazz. It's a shame neither of us will be wearing those. As a newly certified high school athlete, I will not be attending.
Beverly: That doesn't make any sense. You're a think-y, not a do-y.
Adam: I think-y no more. I'm a badass jock now, with all the accoutrements that come with. Like these incredibly thin and revealing shorts.
Beverly: So you joined a sport?
Adam: Not just any sport, track... A series of athletic contests, running, jumping... the other. So, no-can-do on your big public smooch.
Beverly: Hmm. Well, if you put as much energy into that as you did into depriving me of a moment of thanks, then you're gonna be the next Carl Lewis.