‘The Lasagna You Deserve’
Season 8, Episode 12 - Aired February 24, 2021
Beverly, Erica and Barry team up to help Adam become more assertive. Meanwhile, Murray tries to be a better friend to Vic.
Quote from Beverly
Beverly: Now to crank up the difficulty, Erica has cut in front of you.
Adam: I thought the place was closed.
Erica: Come any closer, and I'll mace you, perv!
Adam: I was just standing here!
Barry: Hey! Local deviant. Are you bothering this nice lady? Spokes' Pool Tables and Bikes might be closed, but I'm open to kicking your butt.
Adam: You sell pool tables now, too?
Beverly: Excuse me. Are you the owner of that AMC Pacer out front?
Adam: Oh, please say I'm not.
Beverly: You are. I'm attractive local meter maid Isabella Bianco, and I'm gonna haul that pile of junk to the impound lot if you don't pay my bribe, a thousand kissies. [makes kissing noises]
Adam: The Italian meter maid wants to nuzzle me? Am I the only one losing the thread?
Quote from Barry
Adam: Maybe I should come back tomorrow?
Barry: No. Tomorrow, we're closed forever. I'm going back to the circuit! The BMX tribunal retested my blood. I'm clean, baby.
Pops: Good for you, Barry. I feel like Spokes really needed a win.
Quote from Adam
Beverly: And, scene! Oh! Chills. Adam, how do you think you did?
Adam: Uh, pretty decent, given the situation.
Beverly: [imitates buzzer] You did crap.
Erica: You really did.
Barry: You suck, bro.
Adam: Well, you know what? [Bleep] all of you! That's right! [Bleep] all of you and your dumb [bleep] faces!
Beverly: And that, my Schmoo, is a great first step in finding your voice!
Adam: Oh, my gosh! [Barry applauds]
Beverly: Yeah. Let's have ice cream.
Quote from Adam
Adam: Hello, Helen. I'd like some lasagna. From the middle, please.
Helen: Sorry. Middle's for the pretty people.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] In that moment, I decided I wasn't going to be a doormat forever. So I dug deep and deployed one of my mom's favorite phrases.
Adam: I'd like to speak to your manager.
Principal Ball: Is there a problem, Mr. Goldberg?
Adam: There is, Principal Ball. I eat here every day, and, consistently, Helen serves me the lasagna dregs.
Principal Ball: I appreciate you pointing that out. Rest assured I will do nothing about it.
Adam: Then I will. Dave Kim, are you still on the school paper?
Dave Kim: Yes. I have a weekly humor column. It's a sardonic look at high school called "Kim's Whims." Everyone hates it.
Adam: So you could write a scathing expose about how this institution discriminates against students of the nerd variety?
Principal Ball: Negative press? I've seen the movies. Nerds are vengeful.
Quote from Adam
Adam: And, Brea! You're popular, yes?
Brea: I'm not lacking in social capital.
Adam: So you could tell the cool kids to eat somewhere else?
Principal Ball: Where the cool kids go, everyone goes! Oh, sir, please, no. We value your business.
Adam: Then earn it, or I'll make a scene so insane, it'll make Beverly Goldberg seem reasonable!
Principal Ball: Get this fine gentleman two center-cut pieces.
Beverly: Yes!
Principal Ball: Sorry for the inconvenience, sir. Next time, ask for me by name. Earl.
Beverly: Oh...
Adam: Did I get a good piece? I blacked out there for a while.
Beverly: Schmoo, you got the best piece. And even better than that, you got my powers!
Quote from Geoff
Adult Adam: [v.o.] My dad realized he needed to be a better friend to Vic, so he turned to an expert on the subject.
Geoff: Hey, Mr. G. Don't mind me. I'm just waiting for the ol' ball and chain, a.k.a. your daughter. I struggle with small talk.
Murray: But you're good with big talk, right?
Geoff: Well, if you mean compassion and understanding, then, yeah, I'm your fella.
Murray: Cop a squat. Come on.
Geoff: Wow. Is this an overture of friendship? You know, I always pictured us on a horseback trail ride or building a log cabin together, but I'll take it.
Murray: Yes, horses and logs.
Quote from Geoff
Barry: [enters] Ugh! The worst day ever!
Geoff: I'm listening, Bar. Tell your amigo Geoff what's wrong.
Barry: Nobody signed my petition to make nunchucking an Olympic sport! Now I'll have to win gold at something dumb, like swimming.
Geoff: So nobody signed your petition, and now your only Olympic hope is dumb swimming.
Barry: You get it. [exhales] My dismay is subsiding 'cause I feel super heard right now.
Geoff: Maybe this will also help.
Barry: "Hang in There!"?
Geoff: I saw it and thought of you.
Barry: 'Cause I'm like the jacked kitten whose perseverance will inevitably be rewarded! Thanks, Geoff! You're a great friend. [chuckles]
Geoff: And that's how it's done.
Quote from Adam
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Yep, for better or worse, I had all my mom's powers, and it was awesome!
Adam: 'Sup, fools?
Dave Kim: A phone without wires? More like a future without limits!
Brea: And why do you have it, exactly?
Adam: The Radio Shack manager gave it to me to stop threatening legal action when they kept me waiting in line to buy batteries. Nice, huh?
Brea: Actually, that's kinda gross, Adam.
Dave Kim: I miss the old version of you, the spineless guy who was weak and unintimidating and barely landed Brea.
Brea: He has a good point.
Adam: [phone rings] Just a sec. [answers phone] Go for Goldie.
Barry: [enters on phone] Forget 'em. They can't grasp our powers. You'll lose many important relationships along the way.
Adam: Like my girlfriend and best pal? [phone beeps] Just a sec. [changes line] You got Gold.
Erica: [enters on phone] It's a small price to pay for always getting what you're entitled to.
Brea: Didn't you guys graduate like three years ago?
Erica: Come on, Adam. Leave these phoneless drips, okay? We're gonna go enjoy spoils of your newfound powers.
Adam: Wow! I have a feeling these cellphones are gonna change people for the better.
Quote from Beverly
Beverly: Poopy, what's wrong? You're all flustered and worked up. [gasps] Wait. Is this a prom-posal? Are we going? Is this happening?
Adam: What? Never!
Beverly: Your loss. You'll never see the dress I picked out that matches your eyes.
Adam: Enough!
Quote from Adam
Adam: They fired Helen.
Beverly: Oh, that's a shame.
Adam: That's it? A full-grown lady lost her livelihood because of me.
Beverly: Not because of you. She wasn't doing her job well. It's terrible, but it happens.
Adam: You know, I used to think you were like Ralph Hinkley.
Beverly: The guy that shot Reagan?
Adam: No! The Greatest American Hero!
Beverly: Well, I've never seen it. You know what is a good show? Unsolved Mysteries with Robert Stack.
Adam: You know what else is a mystery? Why I thought behaving like you was okay.