Geoff: Hey, JTP. We thought we'd swing by and check in on you guys. We know how lonely Valentine's Day can be.
Erica: But cheggit, you're all dressed up. So I guess you found dates?
Naked Rob: And yet we did not.
Andy: In fact, we have no romantic prospects at all.
Matt: So, in lieu of lady companionship, we decided to celebrate our friendship.
Andy: We call it Pal-entine's Day.
Erica: At least you improved the name, because last year's Valen-dudes Day was a real big whiff.
Andy: First, we're gonna go to Dante & Luigi's for a little linguine and laughs.
Naked Rob: Then a carriage ride around Rittenhouse Square to see the city lights.
Matt: Finally, ice-skating at this rink my uncle manages. He's gonna let us use it after hours, so it'll be just us.
Andy: I know it sounds crazy, you guys, but I really think we could raise a baby.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Back in the '80s, our teachers looked like this. They were sad-sacks, angry-sacks, or lonely-sacks. But that all changed in college, when Barry actually had a hot teacher.
Barry: Pour some knowledge on me.
Erica: Stop it, Barry. She is an intelligent woman who shouldn't be reduced to just an object, and, oh, my God, she's got cheekbones for days.
Barry: Why would she be a T.A. when she could be holding a number to indicate what round it is in a boxing match?
Erica: The only thing I get is that you're a super gross horn dog.
Barry: But it's not just that. She actually makes me want to learn. I'm hot for teacher.
Erica: Like the Van Halen song?
Barry: That song perfectly captures both her profession and my feelings towards that profession.

Erica: What the hell? You got an A, too?
Barry: Yeah. I cranked that bad boy out quick. That's Barry's number-one trick for academic success... Speed.
Erica: There is no way we both earned A's.
Barry: Erica, when you say things like that, it makes me think you think I'm not intelligent.
Erica: I don't. You are widely considered stupider than me by family, society, and any jacket with a zipper.
Barry: That was one jacket! And you're just mad that I got the same grade as you.

Adam: Her name's Brea, and I've already said too much. Besides, it's not like there's anything I can do. I waited too long, and Andrew Gallery asked her first.
Beverly: If it's just a timing thing, I can fix that. I'll just break them up.
Dana: You couldn't really do that, could you?
Beverly: Let me tell you about Adam's father's first love, Ilene.
Murray: What about Ilene?
Beverly: She was an awful toad, Murray. Don't interrupt.
Murray: She was nice... You know, with the hair and the face and the other stuff.
Beverly: I knew he and that expired bag of soup were wrong for each other, so I had no choice. I had to go into "preventa" mode.
Dana: Preventa?
Adam: A preventa is the opposite of a yenta. Instead of putting people together, they tear them apart.
Beverly: I'm among the world's best at both.

Murray: I liked her. She smelled like lavender, she made me corn muffins. What did you do to her?
Beverly: She did it to herself, Murray, by writing that letter to her ex-boyfriend. [chuckles] All I did was get it out of her mailbox, break into your car, and leave it for you to read.
Murray: You did that?
Beverly: Yes. And today, you have a loving wife and beautiful children who don't look like butter-filled pinatas.
Murray: It all makes sense.

Barry: Hello, Geoffrey and sister. I thought it might be St. Valentine himself here to smile down upon the lovers, the dreamers, and those that are neither loved nor dreamed about.
Erica: Ohh, don't touch my face with your bathroom hand.
Geoff: Is that Polo Sport by Ralph Lauren I smell?
Barry: Indeed. It's made from the sweet sweat of wealthy ponies.

Naked Rob: Wait, Bar, you have a Valentine's date? That's amazing.
Erica: What's her name, Jennifer Canada?
Barry: First of all, Ms. "Ca-nada" moved back to the part of Manitoba with no phone service.
Matt: That all sounds right. Tell us about this new special lady.
Barry: Well, she's...
Adult Adam: [v.o.] In that moment, Barry remembered the promise he made to Elana.
Barry: She's made up. Erica's right. I'm just a big fat phony who has no one.
Erica: When you just cop to it, it kind of ruins the fun.
Barry: Yeah, no fun for you or me. Anyway, I'm off to the library.
Andy: With a box of chocolates and a blazer?
Barry: Brain food and wearing my brain blazer because I got a date with my brain, and he's about to get very lucky. For what it's worth, you guys would make great fathers.

Geoff: Whatever it is, it's awesome. Dude, you're hot for teacher!
Barry: Thanks, buddy. You're a good friend.
Erica: Stay out of this, Geoff.
Geoff: On it, yeah. I just got to ask... Has she ever given you, like, a pop quiz but then the quiz is just kissing?
Erica: Geoff!
Geoff: Sorry, babe. Follow-up question... Has she ever started class by emerging from behind a curtain, wearing nothing but a bikini and a sash?
Erica: Dude! I didn't know this side of you.
Geoff: It's always been in there!

Barry: You're unbelievable! Did you know this was the first girl I liked since Lainey?
Erica: Please, do not try to convince me that this thing with our teacher is real.
Barry: Why not?
Erica: Maybe because you're shaped like Grimace from McDonald's?
Barry: Oh, thank you. That purple gumdrop is a delight.
Erica: He is not a delight. Grimace is a simpleton with short, useless arms.
Barry: He could still carry a shake! And his clumsy antics are the perfect foil for Ronald. He gets the job done.
Erica: What job? And, oh, my God, it's conversations like this that make me certain our hot teacher couldn't like you.

Elana Reid: Let me hand back your essays. Fantastic job.
Erica: Shama-lama-ding-dong! Erica dids it again.
Elana Reid: And, Barry, yours is in here somewhere.
Erica: Oh, just look for the one with the strawberry-jam fingerprints.