Elana Reid: Mr. Goldberg. Please see me after class.
Barry: Oh, no.
Erica: She must've realized that English isn't your second language.

Barry: Knock, knock. Wow. Check out all these books. It's like that weird store in the mall that sells books.
Elana Reid: Well, you've got to read a lot of them if you want a PhD.
Barry: I get it. I'm gonna be a doctor, too, but, like, a real one who plays God and parks wherever he wants and tells loved ones he tried but it's their nana's time.
Elana Reid: [chuckles] I knew you were funny. That paper you wrote comparing Weber's theory of rationalization to LL Cool J's song "Big Ole Butt" made me laugh out loud.
Barry: I am so glad! You're so cool and pretty and know all of LL Cool J's masterwork on butts. [chuckles] Go out with me tonight.
Elana Reid: That's intense, considering it's Valentine's Day.
Barry: Oh, no, Barry. You asked your dream woman out on the most romantically charged day of the year?
Elana Reid: It's okay.
Barry: No, forget I said anything. I'll just drop the class and quit school and become a lowly sixth man on a struggling NBA franchise.
Elana Reid: Don't become a Charlotte Hornet.
Barry: You know the NBA? I can't take it. Reveal your shortcomings.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] It was Valentine's Day, 1980-something, and for the first time in a long time, I had my eye on someone special. No, it wasn't Dana. We were now just friends. In fact, we were both interested in other people.
Adam: Okay, I'm gonna ask Brea to the Valentine's Couples Skate. Glasses on or off?
Dana: I thought your eye wanders when you take them off.
Adam: Not if I close it. What do you think?
Dana: I'd keep them on.
Adam: Good note. Let's do this.

Adam: Here's to being totally cool with not having a Valentine.
Beverly: There's my scrumptious Valentine! Come on, give Mama a... Oh, Dana! Hell no! Not again.
Dana: Nice to see you, too, Mrs. Goldberg.
Adam: Mom, I know you're not Dana's biggest fan, but we're just friends.
Beverly: Oh, thank God. I thought you were back together.
Adam: In fact, we just found out the two people we like are going with each other to the Couples Skate.
Beverly: Wait, another harlot dares toy with my baby's heart?
Dana: I'm a person.
Beverly: Dana, this is not about you. I need to know her name, where she lives, and what time she goes to sleep.

Adam: So, the point of this incredibly upsetting story is that you can break up two teenagers so we'll find love?
Beverly: It's what a good mama does.
Adam: Thank you for the offer, but...
Dana: We'd love your help.
Adam: You seriously want to involve my mom in this?
Dana: I like Andrew, you like Brea. What other choice do we really have?
Adam: We can wait them out. And after their marriage goes stale and the kids move out, they'll agree to amicably go their separate ways. Then we pounce like cats.
Dana: Or we let your mom preventa it up.
Beverly: You are wise beyond your appearance, Dana. It's on. I'll see you in the den in five.
Adam: This will end bad.

Erica: He's wearing a blazer, he smells like Macy's, and he's happy? Something's up. We need to follow him.
[later:]
Erica: Holy crap! He's on a date with our teacher! Do you know what this means?
Geoff: Barry's hot for teacher, and teacher's hot for him!
Erica: No, he didn't write a good paper. He smooched his way to that A.
Geoff: Oh, right, this is about you. I'll do better.

Beverly: Who's ready to break up some teens?
Adam: I still don't think this is a good idea.
Dana: It is. I already bought a cute skating outfit.
Beverly: I like this color on you, Dana.
Adam: It's just, breaking up two people for no reason seems kind of mean.
Beverly: What's mean is allowing two people to stay together when there are other people out there who would make them happier.
Dana: Way happier, Adam.
Adam: Okey-dokey. Since this seems to be happening anyway, I'm in.

Beverly: Now, the first thing we need to do is start a bogus rumor.
Dana: He's a pyromaniac, and she sells organs on the black market.
Beverly: Too dark. [chuckles] But I wish I knew this Dana before. Oh, I've got one. Now all we need is a gossipy hen to run with it.
Adam: I know just the hen.
[cut to Adam talking to Johnny Atkins by his locker:]
Adam: Get this. Andrew Gallery, who's already going to the Valentine's Skate with Brea Bee, sent flowers to the field hockey team.
Johnny: What happened to the sanctity of monogamy?
Adam: I don't know, but keep this to yourself. Definitely don't tell anyone.
Johnny: How can I? How can I?

Beverly: By lunchtime, the rumor should be the talk of the cafeteria.
Dana: Won't Andrew just deny it?
Beverly: Of course he will. But that brings us to step two... Plant evidence.
[cut to:]
Andrew: But it's not true. Why would I send flowers to the field hockey team? They're 4-9.
Girl: Thanks for the flowers, Andrew.
Andrew: I don't understand this!
Brea: I do. You got busted. Have fun with all those plaid skirts at the Valentine's Skate.

Beverly: And, finally, step three, be there to pick up the pieces.
[cut to:]
Adam: Hey, Brea. I heard what that coward did to you. Just know there are some good guys out there.
Brea: What was I thinking?
Adam: There's no way to know. But... I'm here now.
Brea: Thanks, Adam. Your mom really raised you well.