Beverly: Relax. The only healer you need is Dr. Bev.
Erica: Mom, go back to making an impossibly heavy lunch.
Beverly: My 12-bean chili can wait.
Geoff: 12? Isn't that just all the beans?
Erica: [sighs] Don't engage her. Mom, we got this.
Beverly: Do you? What if she has diaper rash, or cradle cap, or cooties, or Pac-Man fever?
Geoff: I'm pretty sure some of those are made up and one is a song?

Beverly: What is going on in here?
Barry: I need to move out. Ideally, to a modern penthouse with a 360-degree view and a live-in butler. But I'll take a slightly lower level and a sassy maid.
Beverly: You could stay here and I'll be your sassy maid.
Barry: Fun stuff. Now get on the horn with the Realtor and see what's available near the mayor's mansion.
Beverly: So, I'm paying for you to leave me?
Barry: I'm a medical student.
Beverly: Well, you're also an adult. So figure it out on your own.
Barry: Yesterday you brushed out my hair as I was watching Scooby-Doo!
Beverly: You're my little Shaggy, and you're not going anywhere. Mwah!

Erica: Man, this girl is cranky.
Geoff: What's your deal, baby? I know you don't have words, but tell me!
Erica: Oh, that's my rock. Always cool under pressure. [Muriel crying]
Geoff: Sorry, it's just really frustrating not being able to calm her. Let's just call the pediatrician, or that Army doctor that watches the president.

Beverly: Just let me use my sure-fire method of soothing any baby.
Erica: Don't say a chicken bone.
Beverly: A chicken bone - nature's pacifier.
Erica: I'm not letting my baby gnaw on a day-old drumstick.
Geoff: Why is that in your pocket?
Beverly: You don't ask Shakespeare why he carries a quill.

Erica: Face it, Mom. Your baby tricks are weird and outdated.
Beverly: Excuse me, but I have raised three children who are all now thriving adults.
Adam: [enters] Hey, anyone know what day it is? I have a dental appointment on Friday.
Geoff: It's Saturday.
Adam: Well, my intense jaw pain will probably go away on its own, right?

Barry: [enters] Terrible news! I was playing playground basketball and lost! The other guys were cheating by being taller and fitter!
Beverly: Oh, Poopie! [gasps] Your heart is racing.
Barry: I punted their ball into the woods, but it only settled me down a little.

Beverly: Well, I have the solution for both my Schmoos right here. Barry, this ol' bone should ease your restless mind.
Barry: All my worries are melted away with the power of chicken.
Adam: Wh... If Barry gets a bone, I want one.
Beverly: Of course you do.
Adam: Mm.
Beverly: You can't argue with results, Erica.
Erica: You've certainly done a number on these two.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] It was February 15th, 1980-something. Barry and I had been sharing a bedroom as adult brothers. And this is pretty much how it was going.
Adam: Gah! The hell, Barry?!
Barry: Cross at your own risk. This sliver of space is now my training dojo. Kee-ya!
Adam: There's the entire outside for you to pretend what you do matters.
Barry: 'Chuck in nature where the elements also attack? Think before you speak.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Out of funds and options, Barry went to the JTP, his best buds, who would never refuse him.
Andy: No way.
Naked Rob: Pass.
Matt: Sorry, bud.
Barry: But it's me... Barry! The original guy... Barry!
Naked Rob: We love you, Big Tasty, but we've got no room.
Barry: What about my old room?
Matt: The one with all the holes in the wall from your homemade hunting bow?
Barry: You mean the adorable peek-a-boo holes I made to the kitchen?
Andy: It's my room now.
Barry: No way! Andy can sleep in a drawer, or a shoe box, or whatever box you use to ship one Skittle.
Andy: First, I would be average height if we lived in Ecuador. And I think what you just said highlights the main problem here. You were a crappy roommate.

Naked Rob: You regularly ate our food even though it was labeled.
Barry: I'm a hungry and hilarious wild card that you root for!
Matt: You wore my only suit to go waterskiing.
Barry: I brought your pants back.
Naked Rob: But do you bring the rent money?
Barry: My rent will be paid in sordid tales of what it was like to live with me before I was famous. [Matt mouths "What?!"] Think how rich in stories the poor losers are who lived with pre Miami Vice Don Johnson.
Andy: So, we're the poor losers in this scenario and you're Don Johnson?
Barry: I didn't hear a no.
Andy: No.
Naked Rob: Big no from me.
Matt: [bleep] no.