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52Quotes from ‘Lame Gretzy’

The Goldbergs: Lame Gretzy

117. Lame Gretzy

Aired March 11, 2014

When Murray tries to get involved with Adam's hobbies, it doesn't work out well, so Adam sets out to improve his hockey skills. Meanwhile, Beverly drives Erica crazy when she fires her S.A.T. tutor and takes the job herself.

Quote from Beverly

Erica: You know, I thought a lot about what you said, and I decided that Penn is a great choice for me.
Beverly: Oh, it's happening. We're going to Penn!
Erica: I know! I'm so excited that I decided to get a head start on my essay for their application. Here it is.
Beverly: "I believe that the University of Pennsylvania "is the right school for me because of its torkulent history and diligord reputation." Oh, boy.

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Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Murray, I don't understand why you insist he plays. Adam, be careful on that ice. It's very slippery.
Murray: Why don't you just skate around with him all game and make sure he stays safe?
Beverly: I know you're joking, but I would do that if the situation presented itself.

Quote from Murray

Adam: Do you want to act in it?
Murray: Do I?
Adam: Awesome! Lie down on the bed, and whatever happens, don't move.
Murray: Lie down and don't move? What do you know, I've been an actor my whole life.

Quote from Pops

Erica: Don't stop. Keep going.
Beverly: Ah, I'd rather not.
Erica: Okay, Pops, would you mind?
Pops: "I feel that I could really benefit from being part of its cromtormulous student body and weepeggle faculty." Weepeggle? What the [beep]?

Quote from Pops

Erica: Keep reading.
Pops: "I would be bumgubbled to quarp a university that is so vernaciously proggle that even the most zeticent student could gobulate." Gobulate? Honest question when you wrote this, were you smoking a jazz cigarette?

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Oh, about that, I made up some new vocab cards for you to memorize. This should get you the extra points you need to get into Stanford.
Erica: Oh, thanks, Mom. "Scubulence, noun the process of removing scuba equipment from a boat." Weird word.
Beverly: Yeah, weird and real.

Quote from Erica

Erica: Oh, well, I've got news for you. California ain't far enough away. I'm going to Japan university. That's right. Good luck popping in on me there.
Beverly: Do you really think that'll stop me? I'll fly halfway around the planet just to see you every weekend if I have to.
Erica: Fine! Then I'll just colonize the moon and go to college there!
Beverly: Then I'll get on a rocket every weekend just so I can give you a hug.
Erica: You can't do that!
Beverly: Oh, I can. And I will bring you Tang and I'll iron your space suit and I'll take your alien roommates to Bennigans!
Erica: I hate that you love me so much!

Quote from Murray

Adam: Okay, here's the backstory. You're a space miner about to explore an alien vessel all by yourself.
Murray: By myself? An alien vessel? No, no, no, no. Let's just send in a dog or something.
Adam: A dog?
Murray: We'll give it a flashlight. Strap a camera on its back.
Adam: You're on a solo mission. There is no dog.
Murray: Only a moron would go on a ship by himself.
Adam: Well, you're going in there, so I guess you're a moron.
Pops: How are things going in here?
Adam: He's refusing to go on the alien ship.
Pops: Murray, just go in the damn ship.
Murray: Fine! I will go in the damn ship.
Adam: Good, 'cause now an alien attacks your face and implants an egg inside your belly.
Murray: Well, that's exactly the reason I didn't want to go in.

Quote from Murray

Pops: But maybe you should do something that Adam likes for a change.
Murray: But he likes space ships and dragons and video games. Did you know that the Mario brothers aren't even real? For three years, I thought they were the boys who lived across the street.

Quote from Erica

Beverly: But don't worry. I hired someone else. She'll be here momentarily.
Erica: What? What's happening?
Beverly: Surprise!
Erica: No!
Beverly: It's me! I'm your new tutor!
Erica: Stop doing what you're doing.

Quote from Adam

Adam: My costume is so uncomfortable.
Murray: It's a jersey, not a costume. Geez.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: There he is, my little ice angel. Remember our rule, the real winner is safety.

Quote from Barry

Adam: I'm Freddy Krueger! I'm gonna haunt your dreams, fool!
Murray: What's he doing?
Barry: Just ignore him. He'll wear himself out.

Quote from Adam

Adam: I call a do-over! That's a thing in sports, right?

Quote from Erica

Beverly: Okay, I don't want to make a big deal about this, but your entire life is literally riding on this one test.
Erica: You've made that very clear. Now stop hovering.

Quote from Beverly

(Beverly bangs pots together)
Erica: Aah! What the hell?
Beverly: This test is all about how you handle distraction. Focus your mind. Shut out the world.
Erica: Mom! I don't think there are going to be any explosions at the test center.
Beverly: You don't know that. It could be underneath a discotheque, or next to a fireworks factory, or in a bad part of South Philly, like where your gym teacher got arrested.

Quote from Beverly

Erica: You fired Wendy Woo?
Beverly: I fired Wendy Woo. She was happy, and kind, and patient. Ugh. Three terrible qualities in a tutor.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Erica, the fate of your college career rides on this one single test, and trust me, I know how important college is. The biggest regret of my life is dropping out to have you. Oh, that sounded awful. I am just gonna keep on talking until it fixes itself. Has it fixed itself?
Erica: No.
Beverly: I think it has.

Quote from Murray

Murray: I got news for you, Albert. I'm done with hockey. That's right. Adam spoiled the whole sport for me.
Pops: It happens. Sometimes the puck deflects off you and ricochets into your own goal.
Murray: No. He aimed. He shot. He scored. He danced!
Pops: I'm so sorry.

Quote from Murray

Pops: Why don't you just let the boy quit? He hates hockey.
Murray: For now. But when I force him to play against his will, he'll eventually become great. And then his bitterness towards me will turn into love. That, my friend, is what it means to be a dad.

Quote from Murray

Murray: So, this is what you do, huh?
Adam: Making a Sci-Fi movie.
Murray: Yeah, space stuff. You ever do any westerns or gritty cop dramas?
Adam: No, not my genres. Although, technically, Star Wars was a Western, and Robocop was incredibly dark.
Murray: So just space stuff.

Quote from Murray

Adam: In a nutshell, you're Caine, a space miner who has an alien egg gestating in your belly.
Murray: I'm who with the what?

Quote from Murray

Adam: Get ready to freak out.
Murray: Why would I freak out? What are you doing? Why would you do that? Stop! What is that?! Get it out! Stop!
Adam: Stop talking. You're dead.
Murray: You ruined my one good shirt! You're dead!

Quote from Beverly

Erica: How did I do already? Okay, just know that this is a practice test and we still have a lot of work to do.
Beverly: Son of a bitch.
Erica: That bad?
Beverly: 1,280.
Erica: (Excited) What?
Beverly: You better come over here and hug your mama before I punch you in the face.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Stanford is in California.
Erica: I know. It's so far away.
Beverly: You are not going to school 20,000 miles away from me. Us. The family.

Quote from Erica

Beverly: I'm sorry, I can't help it. Stanford's just so far away. I wouldn't be able to just pop in on the weekends, and and hang out with you and your girlfriends and try on clothes and then have you take me to the local college pubs, where you introduce me as your older sister Barbie to the cute TAs.
Erica: That's your plan?
Beverly: One of them, yeah.
Erica: Well, thank God I learned how to kick ass on this test. Thank God.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Well look who it is. Try not to score on your own goal, lame Gretzky.

Quote from Adam

Adam: Maybe you could teach me something, so then, when I look in the stands, dad's not hiding his face in shame.

Quote from Barry

Barry: What I got can't be taught. It's called natural talent. See, I'm the type of player who controls the flow of the game. You, on the other hand, are a turd on ice.

Quote from Adam

Barry: I guess you could always be a goon.
Adam: A goon? Like in "Goonies"?
Barry: A goon, an enforcer. They protect the awesome players like me using violence and dirty play. As long as they can kick butt, a goon doesn't need to shoot or score.
Adam: Teach me. I am yours to mold.
Please. Teach me how to be a goonie.
Barry: Goon!
Adam: Can we just say goonie if it helps me get there?

Quote from Beverly

Erica: What's all this? I just wanted some coffee so I could stay up and study.
Beverly: Well, you're in luck, because nothing keeps your energy up like warm milk and a big pile of turkey.
Erica: Don't those things put you to sleep?
Beverly: No, no. The opposite is true. I read that in a magazine I threw away.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Just like "flimjam, verb to run backwards in a zig-zag pattern."
Erica: Got it. Well, that makes me feel very "torkulent, adjective delighted and a little scared."
Beverly: Well, let me just flimjam out of here and, uh, good luck with your studying.

Quote from Barry

Barry: We'll start with the basics. Lesson one, this is your stick. People like me use it to score. People like you use it as a weapon.

Quote from Barry

Adam: Cool, like a sword. I can use the moves I learned in my stage-combat class. Ow!
Barry: Lesson two, every time you say something like that, you get a nerd punch in the meaty part of your arm.
Adam: Smart. The pain will motivate me.
Barry: Nerd punch!
Adam: Ow!

Quote from Pops

Erica: Oh, it's much worse than that. I have a mother that taught me fake vocab words to screw me out of the college I want to go to.
Pops: What? That's crazy. That is crazy, right?
Beverly: I can explain.
Pops: Oh no.

Quote from Beverly

Erica: What kind of mother sabotages her daughter? Who does that?
Beverly: Just go to Penn. It's only 20 minutes away. I can cook for you and do your laundry and clean your room because it's only 20 minutes away, so you should live here and commute.

Quote from Murray

Barry: You won't let him quit, so what else is he supposed to do?
Murray: Do you know why I won't let him quit? You and I have a ton in common. We talk about sports, food, cars. But with Adam, this is all we've got. And if you take hockey away, there's a good chance that Adam and I might never speak again.

Quote from Barry

Barry: I see what you're saying. I'm your favorite son.
Murray: Didn't say that.
Barry: I get it.
Murray: No, you don't.
Barry: You love me more.
Murray: You're an idiot.
Barry: You can say it all you want.
Murray: You're an idiot.
Barry: But we all know how you really feel.
Murray: You're an idiot.
Barry: I get it.
Murray: Just stop.
Barry: Okay.

Quote from Murray

Barry: Listen, I know Adam's hobbies are weird to us.
Murray: No, weird to everyone.
Barry: But the kid tried for five years to do your thing. Maybe now it's time to try his thing for more than five minutes.
Murray: That's pretty smart, Barry.
Barry: Of course! I'm your favorite.
Murray: And back to stupid.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: But I know this isn't about me, so if Stanford is what you want, then, damn it, we are gonna get you into Stanford.
Erica: Do you mean that?
Beverly: I don't.
Erica: Understood.
Beverly: But I'll work on it. And maybe in a year or so I will.

Quote from Adam

Murray: Hey. How you doing?
Adam: Well, I discovered the only thing worse than scoring on your own goal is getting scored into your own goal.

Quote from Murray

Murray: Look, I know you're not enjoying hockey, and I'm not enjoying you not enjoying hockey, so I thought, there has to be something else we can do together.
Adam: Please don't make me play football.
Murray: No, no, no. No sports. Done with sports.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Mail just came.
Erica: Oh, my God!
Beverly: I knew you could do it.
Erica: I may actually go to California.
Beverly: I'll follow you to the moon, baby.

Quote from Erica

Erica: "Fidangle, verb to finish dangling." What the hell? She wouldn't. She would.


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