Pop-Pop: After your mother left, I was stuck with two dumb boys and didn't know how to be a parent, bonehead.
Murray: How is that my fault, you jerk?
Pop-Pop: It isn't. I was just scared and lonely and overwhelmed... And I got angry and took it out on the wrong people, dumbass.
Murray: Well, I didn't know that, moron.
Beverly: I know you're yelling and it all sounds hateful, but this is really good.
Murray: I had to raise myself and my brother because you wouldn't, you piece of crap.
Pop-Pop: And that is my greatest regret, you fathead idiot.
Murray: That is the nicest thing that you have ever said to me, you old sack of bones!
Beverly: It's working. It sounds so terrible, but it's beautiful.
Pop-Pop: That's why I crap on everything you have, because I'm jealous. I mean, look at your life. Look at this big, dumb house and your beautiful moron family.
Murray: It is nice! And I'm proud of myself.
Pop-Pop: You should be, you ass.
Murray: I'm glad I could share it with you, you son of a bitch.
Pop-Pop: Me, too! I'd like to make up for lost time, putz.
Murray: I'd very much like that, you broken old bastard!

Beverly: This is what I'm talking about! It's finally Thanks-[bleep]-giving!

Beverly: I'm gonna give your dad the best day ever so that when he finally does see Pop-Pop, he won't even mind.
Adam: Sure, 'cause people rarely hold onto the memory of the person who hurt them most as a child.
Beverly: First, I'll let Steve Martin and John Candy work their thin guy/fat guy chemistry, then I'll invite his dingbat friends over.
Adam: Don't Bill and Vic have to be with their own miserable families on Thanksgiving?
Beverly: Lucky for us, Bill is totally alone. He has no one.
Adam: That is lucky.
Beverly: And Vic is Canadian. And those moose kissers celebrate Thanksgiving in October for hockey or maple syrup reasons.
Adam: Yeah, I guess Vic and Bill do calm Dad down, like that blanket you throw on Lucky when it thunders.
Beverly: And then comes my masterstroke... Your dad is gonna watch his beloved Eagles beat the Cowboys.
Adam: How are you gonna guarantee the Eagles win?
Beverly: Easy. I told him the game starts at 2:00. They already played, and those bumbling green doofuses somehow won.
Adam: So, you recorded it and you're gonna play it back for him. I admit, it's brilliant.