Nicky: Will, I'm ready. You said you'd teach me one of your basketball tricks.
Will: Oh, well, you know, my moves are kind of like top secret, Nick. I mean, I could show you, but then I'd have to kill you.
Nicky: Okay.
Will: Well, maybe I'll make an exception this one time, all right? All right. Come on. D me up, D me up. All right, check it out. Now, this is called the Will Smith Hoop Dream, Dunk on Hakeem Down the Lane, House of Pain pass. I see you wasn't ready for that one. You know, back in Philly, they used to call me Will "The 747" Smith. Wanna know why?
Nicky: Why?
[As Will throws the basketball back, Uncle Phil drops a radio to catch the ball]
Will: Because I'm about to jet.

Keesha: You see what I'm saying? It sounds like it's raining men.
Ashley: I hope y'all are taking notes.
Will: Hey, hey, hey, stop being all freaky.
Keesha: Hi, Will. What you doing?
Will: Five to ten if you don't take your hands off me.

Ashley: Carlton, can I use your car on Saturday?
Carlton: No can do, Ashley. I have a date. [Ashley and Nicky laugh]
Ashley: You're kidding. With who?
Carlton: Well, I haven't worked that part out yet. But once this dating-service thing kicks in this hombre's dance card is gonna be pretty full. [they laugh] Oh, yeah, just yuk it up. He who laughs last...
[Geoffrey walks in with a bouquet of flowers]
Will: See, it's started already.
Geoffrey: Master Carlton-
Carlton: Not now, Geoffrey. "You're in my thoughts. Love, Thad." Thad? That's a pretty sexy-sounding name.
I'm thinking long legs.

Philip: Excuse me, I'm here to return this radio.
Salesman: Back of the line. Hey, aren't you Judge Banks?
Philip: Well, yes, I am.
Salesman: Hey, everybody, it's Judge Banks from the television. Hey. You think that show-biz madam did it or what, huh?
Philip: Well, I'm sorry, but I can't discuss the case.
Salesman: Then I can't discuss your radio. Back of the line.

Will: All right, George, why don't you just relax, cool out a little bit? Hilary will be out soon. How you feeling? You a little nervous?
George: Why should I be nervous? I'm all liquored up. [laughs]
Will: [belatedly laughs] You are hilarious, man. Hey, have a seat. Have a seat. Listen, I just wanna let you that, you know any point during the show you feel like you might wanna, I don't know, toss my name in, "Will Smith," you know, it's cool.
George: Okay.
Werner: Ready, George?
George: Of course, I'm ready. I've been waiting around for an hour. Where's my money?
Will: Hey, look. All right. I'm gonna be right over here. Remember, Will Smith. Will Smith.

Hilary: Is he in there?
Will: No, the coast is- [screams] Clear!
Hilary: Hi, Daddy. You look so handsome.
Philip: Oh, not bad for a lard butt, huh?
Will: I guess there's no reason to ask whether or not you saw the show today.
Philip: Oh, I saw the show.
All: We all saw the show.
Will: Wait, wait, hold up, Uncle Phil. Now, before you get started I wanna let you know that finger pointing isn't gonna get us nowhere. And also that it's not called The Will Show. [points tat Hilary]
Hilary: Oh, please. You're the one that introduced me to that nut. Daddy, punish him. He needs tough love.

Hilary: We tried to tell you yesterday.
Philip: That's your excuse? You didn't have the sense to know that that man would be angry with me for dismissing him? You didn't have the common sense to know that?
Hilary: I don't have any common sense.
Philip: You two have profoundly hurt and disappointed me.
Will: Unc- Uncle- Uncle Ph- Unc-
Vivian: You should be ashamed of yourselves.
Will: Aunt- Aunt- Aunt- A- Ashley.
Hilary: You understand, don't you? [Ashley shakes her head]
Will: Nicky. Come on- [Nicky kicks Will in the shins] Ow! Man.