Hilary: This place is so tiny. I can't even imagine how small the facial room must be.

George: Okay, you're next. Hey. Whoa, hey. Now, you know I'm gonna have to charge you extra for working around these ears.
Will: Well, no, hold up, my man. Actually, I'm not here to get a haircut.
George: Well, you in the wrong place, fool.
Will: Well, no, a friend of mine sent me. Uh, you know Jazz?
George: The idiot that put the candle in his mouth?
Will: That's him.

Hilary: Will, let me handle this. Hi. As you probably already know, I'm Hilary Banks.
George: Who?
Hilary: Ha, ha! That's very funny. I would be really honored if you would be a guest on my show.
George: What is it with you people? First, you got Geraldo coming in here. Now, you know his head is as empty as Al Capone's vault. Then you had Montel. I told Montel, "Yeah, I'll do your show when you grow some hair." Now, listen, I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told them. I'm not interested in doing tabloid television. I have my dignity and I have my self-respect.
Will: We got cash.
George: You got George.

Ashley: No, these are for me from Thad. Now what am I supposed to do?
Hilary: Please, for carnations and a little baby's breath? Nothing.

Will: Hey, Uncle Phil, about that juror you just-
Philip: I'm sorry, Will, but I can't talk about it.
Hilary: But Daddy, the juror-
Philip: How many times do I have to tell you kids that I just can't talk about it? Ugh!
Will: Hey, Nicky, you will never guess who we got-
Nicky: How many times do I have to tell you kids? I just can't talk about it. Ugh!

Hilary: All right, everybody, have a great show. Okay. Now, just relax, be yourself, and remember to keep your answers short. The audience didn't come to hear the guest babble on and on.

Hilary: Hello and welcome to Hilary. Today's show is a very special tribute to fathers. But before we get to our guests I'd like to say something special about a very important man in my life. My father, Judge Philip Banks. Yesterday, a dismissed juror in the Show-Biz Madam Trial came on the show and said some really icky things about him. My cousin Will and I were, well, to say the least, shocked. And now Daddy won't even talk to us.
Will: He won't say nothing.
Hilary: And we feel like strangers in our own house. Please, Daddy, forgive us. Please.

Michelle Williams: I'm sorry, no one answered the front door. I have a package for a Carlton Banks.
Carlton: That's me. Oh, no, not another rejection.
Michelle Williams: Bad news?
Carlton: I sent this to Last Chance Video Dating. You know, "We guarantee you a date," except if your name is Carlton Banks.
Michelle Williams: Trust me. It doesn't work if your name is Michelle Williams either.
Carlton: You tried this?
Michelle Williams: I tried them all.
Carlton: Wow. I wouldn't expect someone like you to have trouble meeting people.
Michelle Williams: The only people I meet are dogs and shut-ins.
Carlton: Why can't it be easier? I mean, why can't you just open the door and meet someone nice? [Michelle smiles] Well, bye. Oh, wait a minute. Would you? Uh... Uh... Like to go out Saturday night?
Carlton: Yeah.
Michelle Williams: Hey, I'm not-
Carlton: Coming on too strong? Not at all.
Michelle Williams: Bye. [shakes hands]
Carlton: Sweet mother of God, that's a firm handshake.

Vivian: All right, I've heard enough. Now, I did see something good on TV today. I saw two people begging for forgiveness and feeling very badly for hurting someone that they love.
Philip: Oh, please, Vivian. Don't buy into the propaganda.
Vivian: That's enough. Now, what I wanna hear now is an apology and the acceptance of the apology. Go ahead.
Will: We sorry.
Hilary: We're sorry.
Will: We sorry, man. We sorry. Man, we sorry.
Hilary: We're really, really, really sorry, Daddy.
Vivian: Okay, now you.
Philip: [mumbles] I accept your apology.
Vivian: Philip.
Philip: I accept your apology.
Vivian: Okay. Now hug.

Will: So, hey, Hil, what you think? You did a pretty good show today, huh?
Hilary: Three words: Stink. Stank. Stunk. It was the worst show we have ever done. We need better guests.
Will: Wait, wait. Don't be getting all mad at me. I'm just the assistant talent coordinator. If I had some more responsibility, maybe we'd have some better guests.
Hilary: Okay, then get me someone great for tomorrow's show.
Will: And if it were my responsibility, then I'd do it.
Hilary: Okay, I'm telling you to do it.
Will: All right, and if I thought you meant it, then I'd get it done.
Keesha: That's right, my baby can definitely get it done.
Will: Don't make me turn the hose on you, a'ight?