Carlton: Ashley, do you believe that violence is wrong?
Will: Ashley, do you believe it's wrong to be this pathetic little wimp?
Ashley: Yes. Well, no. Oh, I don't know. Can I be alone now?
Carlton: Well, Ashley, no matter whatever happens tomorrow, just know that I believe in you.
Will: And, Ashley, whatever happens tomorrow, know that I believe Carlton is adopted.

Philip: You have a lot of explaining to do, young lady.
Ashley: It was Paula Hoover. She was beating me up. Will and Carlton tried to get her to leave me alone but then she started again after Carlton's check bounced.
Carlton: That little extortionist. She promised she wouldn't cash my check until the weekend.

Philip: A bully is no reason to cut school, Ashley.
Will: Uncle Phil, you haven't exactly seen Paula Hoover. Like, picture Mike Tyson in a training bra.

Will: Hey, if it isn't my cousin Ashley. What a nice surprise.
Paula: I should have known you'd call in reinforcements, Banks.
Will: And you must be the spawn of Satan.
Ashley: It's just a coincidence, Paula. Honest.
Carlton: Ashley, isn't this a nice surprise?
Will: What are you doing here, man?
Carlton: l'm her brother.
Will: What do you want? To humiliate the girl?
Paula: Do you guys mind? I'm beating someone else up at 4:00.

Will: Girlfriend, we need to talk. I just got a little bit of a beef with you, you know? You've been messing with my cousin Ashley, right? I gotta be honest with you, it's kind of ticking me off.
Paula: Ooh, I'm quaking in my tube socks.
Will: She's funny. Hey, look, you know what? This goes against everything that I believe but you're giving me no choice. Give you $5, you leave her alone.
Paula: $50.
Will: $50? How are you playing me? $50? Come on, $20.
Paula: $50.
Will: $50? How are you. Come on, baby, I ain't. $30.
Paula: $50.
Will: [grunting] [sighs] All right, deal. It's kind of a rough neighborhood. You want to walk me to my car?

Vivian: Philip, I'm glad you're home.
Will: Ashley, go for the sympathy. Cry like your life depended on it then try to throw up.
Ashley: Fine, but if I go down, I am taking both of you with me.

Vivian: Philip, I do not like the sound of this. I think we should talk to the principal.
Ashley: No. I'll be a total outcast. I'll have to eat lunch with the janitor.
Vivian: Honey, we've got to do something.
Philip: Maybe we should invite Paula's parents over and get to the bottom of this.
Will: Yo, word up. I've got some boxing gloves, Uncle Phil. You gotta get your own headgear, though.

Geoffrey: Doctor and Mrs. Norbert Hoover.
Philip: Welcome. I'm Philip and this is my wife, Vivian.
Dr. Hoover: Dr. Hoover.
Mrs. Hoover: Mrs. Hoover.
Vivian: And you must be Paula. [Paula curtsies] Geoffrey, why don't you take Paula into the kitchen? I bet she would love some of your famous cookies.
Geoffrey: Certainly. Follow me, Miss Paula.
Vivian: So, Doctor, what kind of a doctor are you?
Dr. Hoover: I'm a child psychiatrist.
Vivian: Oh.

Geoffrey: Now, young ladies, I have some wine to serve. Will you two be able to refrain from battering each other in my absence?
Paula: No sweat, Lurch. [as Ashley goes to sit down] Boo! Still got it.

Vivian: Um, Paula is wonderful. [Dr. & Mrs. Hoover wave away the food Vivian offers] She's really, really adorable. But we are very concerned that she and Ashley do not seem to be getting along.
Mrs. Hoover: We know. Dr. Hoover and I had a long talk with Paula after you called. Apparently, Ashley has been quite ruthless with her.
Vivian: Well, you can't seriously think it's Ashley's fault.
Mrs. Hoover: Oh, it's understandable. She's probably just self-conscious about that tick.
Dr. Hoover: I'd be happy to prescribe something.