Ashley: [laughs] I knew she wouldn't show. I don't blame her. I'd whip her bootie. I'd wax her tail. I'd kick her heinie. [Paula walks up behind Ashley and taps her on the shoulder] Oh, hi, Paula. Nice shoes.
Paula: Are you ready?
Ashley: Okay, but it's only fair I warn you. I'm gonna hit you so hard your grandpa's gonna be great in another area code... or something. Back up! Back up! [turns around] Mind your business, that's all. Just mind your business.

Dr. Hoover: Your daughter suffers from displaced aggression syndrome.
Vivian: Well, Dr. Hoover, I'm afraid I would have to get a second opinion before I could believe that.
Mrs. Hoover: Oh, it's definitely displaced aggression syndrome.
Dr. Hoover: Let me put it in simpler terms. This is where a child acts out the repressed hostility of an unhappy home.
Vivian: And what is that supposed to mean?
Mrs. Hoover: Oh, too many big words?
Vivian: No, Miss Thing, but I got a couple of small words for you.
Philip: Vivian.

Carlton: Listen, Paula, the great Martin Luther King taught us that violence is never the way. We must rise above hate and mend our differences to perseverance and love. [Paula punches Carlton in the stomach] Thank you for helping me prove my point. Look, I will turn the other cheek. [Paula slaps Carlton's face]
Will: Running a little low on cheeks there, bro?
Carlton: You cannot make me angry, Paula. [Paula shoves Carlton] Because if I surrender to anger, I have surrendered my very independence. [Paula tries to knee Carlton] You know, Paula, even the great Martin Luther King probably drew the line somewhere.
Will: And it was probably somewhere around that region you were just aiming.

Ashley: Hi, Mommy.
Vivian: Hi, sweetheart. How was school today?
Ashley: Oh, it was great. [Will & Carlton start gesturing to Ashley to stop talking] We had to write an essay in English. I think I aced it.
Vivian: Well, what did you write about?
Ashley: My neck?
Vivian: You wrote an entire essay on your neck. Well, that is quite impressive, sweetheart since your principal called and said that you have not been at school today yesterday, or the day before.

Will: "Let's get ready to rumble!" Paula's parents get here yet?
Vivian: No, not yet.
Will: Good. We got a little while for a few last-minute tips. All right. Check it out. Act like you got this tick, right? Like the army did this experiment on you that just went terribly wrong, right? You be like: Back up! Back up! [turns around] Mind your business, that's all. Mind your business.
Philip: Will, we're going to settle things in a civilized manner. That's how adults handle things.
Will: Yeah, well, not in my neighborhood. Hey, yo, I got your back, Uncle Phil, man.
Philip: You'd better get out of here before I get your butt.

Will: Damn. I can't believe it. The school's like three miles away. It took us 45 minutes to get home.
Vivian: I know, sweetheart. Those traffic jams can be so frustrating.
Will: Wasn't no traffic. It was Carlton's driving. It was old people in walkers passing us.
Carlton: Look, the fact that I'm safety conscious does not mean I drive like a little old man.
Will: Carlton, please, George Burns flipped you the bird.
Carlton: He was waving. The man has arthritis.

Will: Aunt Viv, don't feel bad. At least you have one normal daughter.
[Ashley walks in, kicks a chair, throws her school bag down, and starts drinking milk straight from the carton]
Will: Aunt Viv, I'd say it's about time you started feeling bad.

Ashley: [wails]
Will: Yo, is Linda Blair down there?
Philip: Ashley, baby, are you all right?
Ashley: I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I guess the pain was just too much to bear.
Philip: I'm not surprised, 180 degrees.
Will: Yo, take 1,000 aspirin, drink 50 gallons of water and stay in bed until Carlton's voice changes.

Vivian: Ashley, baby, now you've been acting strange all day. What's going on?
Ashley: There's this science test tomorrow on the plant kingdom. It's really hard.
Vivian: Honey, all we've ever asked is that you try to do your best.
Ashley: I know.
Philip: And how are you gonna know what your best is unless you try? Now you go upstairs and study until bedtime.
Ashley: Okay. [exits]
[Will sits down between Aunt Vivian and Uncle Phil on the couch]
Will: [chuckles] Whoa, kids, man, kids. I mean, it's like you love them and you love them and you love them but sometimes, you know, they make you just wanna pull out your... tongue.

Ashley: Thanks, Will. But what I really need to know is how to kick someone's butt.
Will: Oh, word up. Carlton getting on your nerves, too?
Ashley: It's not Carlton. It's this girl Paula Hoover. If I don't give her my lunch, she hits me. And tomorrow at 3:00, she's gonna beat me up whether I feed her or not.
Will: Well, I happen to know she ain't gonna be beating you up.
Ashley: Why? Did she die?
Will: No. I'm gonna teach you how to defend yourself.