Will: Hilary. Come here. Come here. You gotta get yourself together for your sponsor.
Hilary: Oh, Mr. Pimple? Bring him in.
Will: No. It's Mr. Stimple.
Hilary: Bring him in too. The more the merrier. But we're gonna need some more tea.

Will: You know, with a touch of henna and a kiss of ash blond you're gonna need yourself a beeper, girl.
Mr. Stimple: Diante, you're a very unusual man, but I grow tired.

Will: Mr. Stimple. Look, my name is not Diante. My name is Will. I'm Hilary's cousin. Now look, this is all quite simple, Mr. Stimple. I'm sorry. Listen. Look, my uncle told me I should take some initiative, so I got the nighttime-so-you-could-sleep instead of daytime-so-you-could-think medicine, right? And man, how is she supposed to drive a tractor? So I said, "Aah!" And, you know, she said, "Aah!" You know what I'm saying?
Mr. Stimple: You're Hilary's cousin?
Will: Exactly.

Ashley: Fine. I understand your having to work. I even understand you missing Career Day. But what I don't understand is how you could possibly send Carlton. I mean, you could've sent Mom. You could've sent Geoffrey. You could've even sent the pool guy.
Philip: He answered the phone?
Hilary: I understand you taking initiative. I even understand you giving me the tea. But what I don't understand is how this [holds up clump of hair] happened?
Will: Uh, see, well, you bobbed when you should've weaved.
Will & Philip: [in unison] Sorry.

Vivian: Look at you. I can't believe you're acting like this. All I'm trying to do is look out for everybody here. Honey, don't you wanna live longer? Don't you wanna feel better? [takes a bite]
Will: Last one to Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles ain't eating. [all run out]

Carlton: I understand there were other applicants. I even understand I was too young for the job. But what I don't understand is they gave me the wink and the gun. They gave me the wink and the gun.
Janitor: Buck up, pal.