Judge Robertson: Believe me, son. The only time a woman should sit on the bench is when she's waiting for a bus.
Carlton: That's ridiculous. What if she's serving coleslaw at a picnic?
Judge Robertson: Point taken. You have the makings of a fine judge.

Philip: So Judge Robertson you were telling us about your most recent decision.
Judge Robertson: Yes, I had this boy before me recently no preponderance of evidence in either way. It was a tough call, but in the end, I had to convict.
Philip: Well, how did you decide?
Judge Robertson: Well, you see, the prosecutor was a babe so after I decided in her favor, she decided in mine. [laughs]
Vivian: Ooh, lordy, look at the time.
Philip: Well, judge, let me walk you to your car.
Judge Robertson: Good, maybe you can remember where I parked.

Will: Lindsey, how you doing?
Lindsey: Will, I was wondering, if you'd like to go with me to the autumn dance.
Will: Wow. Look, Lindsey, now I mean, you've been very generous, you know, but I just can't... Motorcycle helmet. But, Lindsey, I mean, I can't take... Wow, a motorcycle jacket with Malcolm on it. I can ride and be righteous at the same time. Look, but, Lindsey, I'm sorry...
Lindsey: These go to your new Harley-Davidson. Now what were you gonna say?
Will: Thank you. [to camera] Oh, yeah, right, like you wouldn't take it.

Vivian: How did this get on the patio?
Will: Oh, no, don't worry, Aunt Viv. I was careful when I drove it through the house.
Vivian: I mean where did it come from?
Will: The Harley factory.

Vivian: Will, it came from Lindsey, didn't it? Now, what I want to know is what does she get in return?
Will: All the rides she wants, Aunt Viv.
Vivian: Will, you are acting like a pimp.
Will: Come on, hold up now. That is totally unfair, Aunt Viv. If a man was buying a woman all these gifts nobody would have anything to say about it, right?
Vivian: No, honey, it doesn't matter if you're a man or a woman. If you don't care for someone, you shouldn't accept gifts. And it diminishes you every time you accept something from Lindsey. Now you were not raised that way, boy, and you know it. Now you know what you need to do, don't you?
Will: Yeah, put out. I know, I know. I got to give all this stuff back.
Vivian: And?
Will: And got to be honest with her.
Vivian: And you know that's right.
Will: [to himself] If I keep the bike, I'm a pimp. If I give it back, I'm a damn fool. Well, pimp it is.

Will: Hey, Uncle Phil, hold up. Who's that skinny, weird dude standing next to you?
Vivian: Uh, that's me.
Will: That's a relief, 'cause I was about to wonder why Uncle Phil was holding that dude's hand.

Philip: Look, he'll be here any minute. How am I going to tell him that I'm running against him? I mean, how do you tell somebody that used to be your hero that he's become completely incompetent?
Carlton: Well, big guy, may I suggest using flash cards with really big pictures?
Vivian: Don't worry, sweetheart, if he's the man that you think he is, he'll understand.
Will: If he's the man I think he is, he'll probably get lost on his way to the bathroom.

Geoffrey: Judge Robertson.
Judge Robertson: Thanks, Benson.
Geoffrey: For the last time, sir, I am not Benson.
Judge Robertson: Oh, sure, right, right.

Vivian: Well, we'll leave you two alone. Come on, kids.
Judge Robertson: Good night, nice seeing you again. Not only has she aged, she has a beer belly.
Philip: That's my wife and she's pregnant.
Judge Robertson: Oh, then she should lay off the beer.

Philip: Would you take a seat, please? Judge Robertson, I hear that you're running for reelection and...
Judge Robertson: And you want to make a big fat contribution. Good, good. Hey, make the check out to cash. In fact, why don't you just give me the cash? Or maybe that ring. [laughs]
Philip: That's good. No, Carl. Look, there's something I want to tell you, but I can't seem to find the words.
Judge Robertson: Well, where did you have them last?
Philip: No. I'm talking about what's happened to you. I'll be frank.
Judge Robertson: Okay, and who am I?