Wendy: I had a great time, Will. Where'd you learn to dance like that?
Will: Oh, the Arthur Murray Dance Studios. Tango?

Will: Hey, Mrs. Robertson, how you doing?
Janice: Will.
Will: I just dropped Wendy off. Listen, she was begging me to come in. I told her no. I didn't think it was proper.
Janice: I am sure you're the perfect gentleman.
Will: Yes, ma'am. Hey, good night.
Janice: Uh, Will. Would you mind sharing your earthquake recollections with me?
Will: What, now?
Janice: Yes, I thought I might as well get started tonight.

Janice: What's wrong?
Will: There's a picture right there of you with no bathing suit top on!
Janice: It's Saint-Tropez. Lots of women go topless.
Will: Well, you know what? I'm gonna run down to the lobby, get some of them free brochures, you know. Before... A free brochure.
Janice: Will. You're not going anywhere.
Will: Okay.

Will: Well, um, I think I'm gonna go get me some ribs, you know because, you know, my Uncle Phil likes to eat while he cooks and might not be nothing left for nobody else, you know what I'm saying?

Carlton: Boy, Wendy deserves a lot better than Will. When I think how we conned her into going out with him, it makes me sick. At least I had some respect for her.
Ashley: Carlton, you bet 200 dollars on her.
Carlton: Hey, that's a very respectable bet.

Will: Uncle Phil, you cannot go to the hotel with that woman.
Philip: It's just for a little dinner.
Will: Yeah, then dessert, the likes of which even you ain't never seen. Can't you see? Uncle Phil. Janice is the one that got away, right?
Philip: Yeah.
Will: Well, she ain't get away from me.
Philip: What?
Will: Uncle Phil, I was dropping Wendy off back at the hotel, right? And then, you know, I'm walking down the hall, and Mrs. Robertson comes up and she asking me about the quake, so I'm going and telling her and then she slips into something more comfortable. And then she grab these pictures, she's showing pictures of San San-something, and then, you know, before I knew it, you know... Ta-dow.
Philip: Ta-dow?
Will: Ta dow!
Philip: Ta..? Oh! Oh! You slept with Janice!

Vivian: Janice, I think you'd better leave.
Janice: Vivian, this is not as big as you're making it out to be.
Vivian: Maybe not in your little world.
Janice: Too bad, Philip. We could have had something special.
Philip: I have something special.

Philip: I have been such a fool. Can you forgive me?
Vivian: I always do, don't I? You don't have to sleep on the chaise lounge tonight.
Philip: I don't?
Vivian: You can sleep on your couch. And have a talk with this young man, please. [Vivian knocks Will as she walks by]

Will: Hey, Uncle Phil, man, look. I'm 19 years old, and I'm gonna make some mistakes.
Philip: Yeah, I'm 45 and I make them too. The secret is to learn from them.
Will: Yeah, you right, I learned my lesson. From now on, I'm only dating girls with ugly moms.
Philip: I'm gonna go lay on my couch.

Hilary: Thank you. Thank you. Today on our show: Women who hate men, and the men who hate them back.
David: Cut it! Great news, Hil. Al has completely recovered from his coma. So I guess you're not gonna be needed.
Hilary: [scoffs] Al, Al, Al! Doesn't anybody care about my needs? Do you have any idea how much this outfit cost? And, you know, the statute's not up yet on that sexual harassment case.
David: You wouldn't dare.
Hilary: Oh, don't think I won't, mister. I'll drag you through the mud.
David: You wouldn't dare.
Hilary: You know, I went through so much to do this!
David: You think because you got a pretty face-
Hilary: I caught up on everything!
David: -you can talk to me like this!
Hilary: I am perfect!
David: I'm the producer of this show! I suppose you're gonna bring Al up on a sexual harassment suit too. Well, you won't get away with it!