Carlton: Where am I? Last thing I remember, I was doing the running man to I Will Always Love You.
Will: Carlton, you're at a hospital.
Carlton: Wow, I feel terrible. I never thought losing my virginity would be this painful.
Will: Carlton, I got some bad news.
Carlton: Oh, God, I malfunctioned.
Will: No. See, you never made it past the dance floor. Those pills that you took weren't vitamins.
Carlton: What were they?
Will: Look, you gotta promise you're not gonna overreact.
Carlton: What could be worse than finding out I'm still a virgin?
Will: It was speed.
Carlton: Oh, my God. I'm a drug addict and a virgin!

John: You know, we're counting on you for the big game this weekend.
Will: Hey, man, don't you even worry about me. I'm gonna be there. "Smith dribbles. He stops. He pops. He scores. The crowd goes wild!" [yawns] Man, I'm beat.
John: You could do what I do.
Will: No, that's all right. I don't think listening to Bruce Springsteen got the same effect on Black people.

Carlton: Will, pardon my tough love but this burning the candle at both ends is dumb, dumb, dumb.
Will: I know, Carlton. I just wish there was something else I could do. It's like there ain't enough hours in the day. Carlton, did you ever think about taking, you know, drugs?
Carlton: Will, you don't have to beat around the bush. I know exactly what you're getting at.
Will: You do?
Carlton: You see the volcano-sized pimple about to erupt on my forehead and you don't think vitamin E is strong enough.
Will: No, man. I mean, well, yeah, but... I mean, the kind of drugs that help you stay up.
Carlton: Up? You don't mean... [Will nods] Oh, this sex thing is even more complicated than I thought.
Will: You know what? Never mind, man.

Carlton: Well, can't we at least move me to another part of the hospital? I've got a reputation to worry about.
What if I want to run for a political office?
Nurse: Well, now, I'll tell you the same thing I told the last person that asked me that question: Just say you didn't inhale.
Will: Listen, listen, somehow we're missing each other. I mean, does he look like a drug addict?
Nurse: Do I?
Will: Can we stick to the subject, please?
Nurse: Listen, sweetie, the first time I came into this hospital it was on a stretcher. Hell, I've been from Yale to jail, and from Park Avenue to park bench but now I'm clean and sober.
Carlton: That's really touching... but do you think you can get me a nurse without a record?
Nurse: [chuckles] I like him. Try and help him to stick around.

Will: Those pills that Carlton took, um, they were from my locker.
Philip: What?
Will: Look, Uncle Phil, I was just keeping them in case I needed them.
Philip: How could you be so stupid? You know you shouldn't be messing with drugs.
Will: I know, Uncle Phil. Somebody gave them to me at school. I mean, I didn't mean for Carlton to take them. I didn't even know if I was going to take them. I'm sorry, Uncle Phil.
Philip: Sorry? My son could have died because of you.
Will: Look, I know, Uncle Phil, that's all I've been thinking about. I mean, you gotta believe me. I didn't mean to hurt him.
Philip: Yeah, well, you did. You hurt him, and you could have hurt yourself.
Will: I know, Uncle Phil, I mean... But, look, I had basketball practice, and school, and I had work and everything.
Philip: Well, welcome to the real world, Will. That's not an excuse. There's never an excuse. You owe this family an apology. Vivian! Kids!

Philip: Will has something to tell you.
Will: Come on, Uncle Phil, don't make me-
Philip: Go ahead, Will.
Will: Um... The pills that Carlton took, they were from my locker.
Vivian: What?
Will: I'm sorry, Aunt Viv. I mean, I had basketball practice, and I had finals, and everything... And one of the guys at school just offered me some stuff to help me stay awake. And then Carlton... Look, all I know is that somebody real close to me that I love a whole lot could be dead right now and it would be all my fault. I'm sorry, man. I'm sorry.
Philip: Come here. Come here.
Will: I'm sorry I did it.
Philip: It's okay.

Ashley: Here, Hilary, you take it out.
Hilary: Out where?
Ashley: To the trash cans. You know, those things you hit every time you back out the car.
Hilary: Thank God. I thought it was the neighbor's kids.

Will: God, if you let Carlton be okay I swear I'll never make fun of him again. I'll go to Church every Sunday. I'll even give up women.
Carlton: Will, was that you?
Will: You know I was just kidding about that woman part, right?

Geoffrey: Here you are, Master William, maybe this'll help. It's an old remedy passed down in my family from generation to generation.
Will: G, it's coffee.
Geoffrey: No, it's Folgers Crystals.

Nurse: Well, Mr. Banks, you gave us quite a scare. How you feeling now?
Carlton: Terrible. I wanna go home.
Nurse: Your parents are on the way but we will have to keep you here in the Chemical Dependency Unit overnight.
Carlton: Excuse me?
Nurse: Oh, I'm sorry, but that's standard procedure with all our substance-abuse patients.
Will: Excuse me, Miss Irene, that's such a pretty name. Listen, um, I don't think you understand. See, Carlton is not addicted to drugs. I mean, Carlton hates drugs. We still have to mix his aspirin in with applesauce.
Nurse: Well, that may be but that certainly wasn't applesauce we pumped out of his stomach.