Philip: You know, Will, it wouldn't hurt if you did something for your school.
Will: Oh, I know, and I am, Uncle Phil. Tonight, I'm stealing the SCU statue.
Philip: Don't even joke about something like that.
Will: I was just kidding, Uncle Phil. But, well, hey, can I borrow the station wagon? You know, got me kind of a big date tonight, you know?
Philip: Yeah. Sure, here you are, son.
Will: Thank you, thank you.
Philip: You know, Will, illegal transportation of a school statue is a felony.
Will: Yes, sir, thank you.

Man: All right, here's the situation, unless you fortify your security system my guess is within six months you'll all be dead.
Philip: That's a little extreme, isn't it?
Man: Extreme? Let me tell you about some of the things I've seen, Mr. Banks. Homes overrun by thugs and gangs. Priceless possessions lost forever to ruthless looters. Mangled bodies of innocent people slaughtered like lambs.
Philip: God, where was this?
Man: "Mortal Kombat" by Sega.

Will: Okay, check it out, check it out. So we had Mikey the Mustang here wrapped up in blankets in the back of the Volvo, right? So we about to jet off campus. All of a sudden... [Jazz imitates a siren] It's like, "Oh, five-0!" Right, yo, we knew we was busted.
Jazz: Man, I saw my whole record flash before my eyes.
Will: Yeah, I had to think fast, right? So I put on this real sincere face, before I knew it I had this cop convinced I was Sidney Poitier's son. Who's the man? Who is the man? It's me. Y'all ain't gotta say nothing, go on. Get on fools.

Will: Carlton, we're just having a little fun, man. I know how much you hate that, baby.
Carlton: Don't you understand? SCU is going to retaliate. I mean, you've practically given them an invitation to abscond with Percival.
Will: Who?
Carlton: Hello? Percival, our beloved peacock. Look, I'm holding you personally responsible for its safety. Don't take your eyes off of him.
Will: Oh, but, Carlton, no. That means I'll miss the big pep rally.
Carlton: Well, I'm sorry, Will, don't do the crime if you can't do the time. Now, if you'll excuse me I have 4,000 fans waiting for me in the quad. Hand me my head.
Will: I'd love to.
Carlton: It's show time.

Philip: Come on, girls, Carlton's rally starts in 45 minutes.
Ashley: I'm sorry I overslept. It took me forever to get to sleep. That guard dog was barking all night.
Hilary: Can't he be like other dogs and quietly lick himself?
Philip: Look, I got this system so that we'd all feel safe. Now, I just press in our code and we're off.
Female voice: Fifty seconds to activation. Please exit the premises. [dog barks]
Hilary: Maybe he wants a bone.
Ashley: Yeah, one of ours.
Philip: No, wait a minute. What is the release command? It's something German. Strudel, schnitzel...
Hilary: Mercedes. [dog barks]

Coach: What happened to Carlton?
Will: I think my Aunt Helen dropped him on his head when he was a baby.

Will: It could be worse. I mean, he could have been dipped in 11 herbs and spices.

Coach: Well, that's it. Game over. We're dead.
Will: He's not exactly Vince Lombardi.
Coach: This is how my career is gonna end, huh? Well, at least I still have my health.
Jazz: What's that lumpy thing on the back of your neck?

Will: Jazz, Jazz, come here, come here. I know where this is. This is the rumpus room of the Kappa Omega Psi sorority.
Jazz: How you know that?
Will: Well, I got me a little rumpus in that room the other night, you know. Hey, come on, come on. Let's go, let's go.
Jazz: I can't go there, man.
Will: Why not?
Jazz: Restraining order. It's a long story.

Amanda: You know, you are way too nice to be locked up in a cage.
Carlton: Does that mean you'll let me out?
Amanda: No. But you're awfully cute when you grasp at false hope. [Will appears in the window with a crowbar]
Carlton: Look, I know you might find this hard to believe but in high school, I was sort of a... a...
Amanda: Dweeb?
Carlton: Well, I was going to say loner, but that too. Now, for the first time, I'm actually part of a team. Don't do this to me.
Amanda: That was so moving. Well, I'm late for the game. Bye.
Carlton: Amanda! [Will climbs in through a window] Never mind.