Will: [v.o.] That night we were enjoying a special dinner. Our neighbor Sue Ellen was cooking something she had run over.
Hilary: Sorry I'm late, but it was so beautiful I just couldn't leave the marina. Chateaubriand? Mmm!
Philip: Uh... So how was your day, sweetheart?
Vivian: It was wonderful. Oh, look what one of the girls taught me. [crushes can with forehead]
Will: Now, a lot of families would just crumble under these circumstances. But, once again, we are showing our true colors. To family.
All: To family.

Big Bertha: There he is, Daddy. There's the dirty varmint made me pregnant.
Will: Hey, hey, wait a minute. I ain't make nobody pregnant.
Hatfield McCoy: You calling my daughter a liar?
Will: No, man, it just wasn't me.
Philip: Of course it wasn't. The boy just got to Deliverance.
Hatfield McCoy: Oh, is that so? Fella over at the college says he's been going there for two years.
Will: [whispers] Oh, damn witness protection program.
Hatfield McCoy: Wedding's set for tomorrow at noon.
Hilary: If you register at Tiffany's ask for Richard.
Philip: Oh, wait, hold on. Nobody is registering for anything. Mister...
Hatfield McCoy: McCoy, Hatfield McCoy.
Philip: Now, now, Mr. McCoy, now your daughter is a very, uh... lovely woman and any man would be proud to be the father of her child but you cannot go around falsely accusing people.
Hatfield McCoy: Twelve o'clock. You bring the groom, I'll bring the shotgun. Bring it, Bertha.

Will: Wait, wait, wait, hold on. Oh, say, hey, hey, Mr. McCoy, listen. Now, I would love to marry your daughter, you know, but I mean, who wouldn't?
Carlton: Me.
Will: Well, you see, it's my moms. You know, see, she's in Africa and I'm her only child. And it would just crush her to not be here to share in my happiness.
Hatfield McCoy: Well, we're real big on family so the wedding will take place just as soon as she gets back.
Will: But the engagement party is tonight. [gunfire & hillbilly whooping]
Big Bertha: And at least I have this picture of you to keep in my drawers.
Will: Whoa. Where did you get this?
Hatfield McCoy: The general store. Vern said some big fella's been asking about you. He left it. Come on, boys.
Carlton: Oh, my God. That means you-know-who is coming you-know-where.

John 'Fingers' O'Neill: If I were you, I would run.
Will: If you were me, you'd be good-looking.
John 'Fingers' O'Neill: You know, usually, I try to detach myself from my work but I'm going to enjoy squeezing the life out of you.
Will: [imitating Fingers] "I'm really going to enjoy squeezing the life out of you." [normal voice] You know why I'm not scared of you? Because I got something that you don't have. Family.
John 'Fingers' O'Neill: What are you talking about? I got a sister in New Jersey.
Will: I'm talking about family. Family! I mean, family. [clattering]
Will: [v.o.] It was obvious the McCoys didn't know when to say when.
Will: Say, my man, you mind if I run inside and put on a big pot of coffee?

Carlton: Wow, hook, line and sinker.
Will: Oh, yes, sir, I am the true fisherman, you know?
Carlton: When it comes to deception, you are the prince. [Will laughs] Oh, 9:00, I gotta get to bed.
Will: Hey, good night, Little Zeke.
Carlton: [Southern accent] Good night, Will Floyd.
[later that night, Will wakes to a banging at the door:]
Will: All right, all right, all right.
[When Will gets up and opens the door, John 'Fingers' O'Neill steps in]
Will: [screams]
Jazz: [removes the mask] That will teach him to play with me.