Jackie: Oh, Steven, there you are. I almost didn't recognize you without a disgusting stripper attached to your lips.
Hyde: Huh? Well, I recognized you right away. Since you walked in here alone, with no job and no boyfriend.
Fez: Oh, this sounds like fun. Someone say something mean about me.
Hyde: I don't think so, Fez.
Fez: Oh, come on, you never let me play.
Hyde: Fine. You're stupid and you're fat.
Fez: That was completely uncalled for.

Jackie: What is Donna doing out with Randy? When I called her earlier today to see if she wanted to do something, she said she was staying in all day. I mean, I was gonna blow her off at the last minute, but still.
Fez: Yeah. And yesterday when I went to spy on her from her closet, she was already out with Randy. That guy is really cutting into my peep-time.
Jackie: Do you think something is going on between Donna and Randy? Steven, what do you think?
Hyde: I have a definite opinion on this. I don't care.
Jackie: Ah, you just don't like to gossip. Which is good, because you should hear what people say about you.

Hyde: Well, if you guys are gonna act like a bunch of immature babies, go ahead. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna drive my car through some really big puddles and splash some old people.

Jackie: Fez, I know what we need to do.
Fez: Yeah, me, too. But where are we going to find a dog with antlers?
Jackie: No, Fez. We need to write Eric a letter telling him what is going on between Donna and Randy.
Fez: Yeah, then Eric is gonna come home, kick Randy's ass and then whisk Donna off to someplace sexy. Like the garage.
Jackie: What? How is the garage sexy?
Fez: Well, I'd like to park my car in her garage.

Fez: Hey, Donna, I'm glad you're here. Have you heard from Eric? You know, your supposed boyfriend?
Donna: Um... Actually I haven't heard from Eric in a while.
Fez: Really?
Hyde: Hey, look, Fez, it says right here some moron got punched in the arm for sticking his nose where it didn't belong.
Fez: When?
Hyde: Uh... Now. [punches Fez's arm]

Jackie: So, Donna. I don't know, is there any relationship news you'd like to share with us?
Donna: Look, I really don't want to talk about it.
Jackie: Oh! So that means, there is something to talk about?
Fez: Yeah. Spill it, girl!
Donna: Will you just drop it?
Jackie: No. Not until you tell us when Eric is coming home.
Donna: What? He is not coming home. Eric broke up with me.
Fez: Yes! Is not what you say when you hear that news.

Hyde: Hey, Donna, sorry to interrupt, but Nancy Drew and Nancy-boy here have something they'd like to tell you.
Jackie: That's where Fez comes in. Take it away, Fez.
Fez: You sneaky little midget. Okay. Donna... We are the reason why Eric broke up with you. We wrote him a letter saying that you were cheating with Mr. Fancy Hair.
Donna: What?
Fez: Oh, come on, how does he even do that?

Donna: Why would you even think that I was cheating with Randy?
Hyde: Oh, they have it on the strongest authority. A fluid-filled plastic novelty ball from Parker Brothers.
Donna: Look, the reason that we've been hanging out so much lately is because Randy was the only one I could talk to about how Eric broke up with me. Three weeks ago.
Fez: Three weeks ago? That means...
Jackie: That he broke up with you before we sent the letter. Fez, it's not our fault!
Fez: Oh, Eric just doesn't like Donna anymore. Oh, happy day!

Hyde: Why didn't you tell us?
Donna: Because I knew that if I told you guys, Fez would only hit on me, Jackie would hurt my feelings trying to be nice and you would just shrug and go... Eh.
Hyde: How can you say that?
Donna: Tell me I'm wrong.
Hyde: Eh.

Donna: And it's not like I went looking for Randy. I mean... I was taking the garbage out one day. He was playing hoops and he said, "Hey, how is it going?" So I took the basketball, I threw it through a window and burst into tears. I think that's when he knew that something was wrong.