[circle:]
Fez: Jackie didn't give me the time of the day. I hate this stupid magazine. Oh, no. I didn't mean it. I love you.
Hyde: [chuckles] Hey, Fez. Check this out. "Tight pants turn a man's derriere into a lady's dream and an open shirt shows a sexy chest and an irresistible joie de vivre."
Fez: Really? I always thought my joie de vivre was in my pants.
Donna: Okay. I can't believe I'm asking you guys this, but if any of you losers had a girlfriend would you still look at those magazines?
Kelso: Hey, I had two girlfriends and a little action on the side, and I still looked at those magazines.
Hyde: You had action on the side? Who?
Kelso: No, you don't know her. She went to Sacred Heart.
Donna: Okay. Anybody here have an opinion who's not a skeevy pig?
Fez: I'm glad you asked, Donna. If I had Jackie, I would never look at those magazines. Unless she's on the phone or went shopping or took a short nap.
Hyde: [sighs] Look, Donna this is just the way guys are. Okay? I mean if Forman was actually dating the- the "Naughty Campus Coeds", he'd be locked in a bathroom looking at naked pictures of you.
Kelso: He's right, so... Are there naked pictures of you? [groans] My leg!
Hyde: Hey, knee him in the groin! [Kelso groans] Oh, my, God! She did it! [Hyde chuckles] [Kelso wails]

Fez: Well, hello, Jackie.
Jackie: Hey, Fez.
Kelso: [laughs] Hey, Fez. Nice ass!
Fez: Why, thank you, Kelso.
Jackie: Oh, my God. What the hell's that smell?
Fez: Well, Jackie, it's a combination of musk and a little thing I like to call "Fez."
Jackie: Whoa, Fez! What are you doing?
Fez: Showing off my joie de vivre. You like?
Jackie: No!
Fez: So, what? This was all a waste? The pants, the chest, the manly smell, the... "Jackie, hello. Jackie. Jackie. Jackie. Jackie. Jackie. Jackie..." Worthless?
Kelso: Not worthless. Hilarious.
Jackie: Okay, look, Fez, you're not bad-looking. I mean, some girls like that exotic, grimy look. But only the cheapest, most sluttiest girls will like that.
Fez: I see.
Laurie: [enters] Damn, Fez! Looking good.

Eric: Ta-da.
Donna: Wow, Eric. It's a room.
Eric: Not just any room. See? No more dirty magazines. I threw 'em all out. And you know what, Donna? I don't miss 'em.
Donna: Eric, you didn't have to do that. I mean, I understand why you need them.
Eric: You do?
Donna: Yes, you're disgusting!
Eric: What?
Donna: It's okay. All guys are. You're a revolting gender.
Eric: You know, we really are.
Donna: But you're disgusting in a cute, harmless way and I guess I love you for that.
Eric: I love you too. [they kiss]
Donna: Let me make it up to you. I can have a naked girl in here in 10 seconds.
Eric: Oh, great. Send her in. I'll see you later.
Donna: Shut up!

Bud Hyde: Relax, guys. It's "Serve a Minor Night" at the old "Don't Have a Liquor License" Saloon. You look familiar. Do I know you?
Hyde: I should hope so... Dad.

Fez: Hello, Mr. Hyde's Dad. I am Pez. I've heard much about you.
Bud Hyde: Good things, I hope.
Fez: Well, if running out on your family and becoming a drunk is good, then, yes.

Donna: You keep a stack of dirty magazines under your bed?
Eric: What? No! God, not a stack. You know, what is a "stack" really?
Donna: Why do you have these down here?
Eric: Now, wait, Donna. Downstairs you were laughing and cracking jokes about this stuff.
Donna: Eric, that was in the basement with our idiotic friends. Why do you need them? Aren't I enough?
Eric: No- Yeah, you're enough. God, you're- you're plenty. It's just, uh, that, uh... You see, Donna, you see, what I do with dirty magazines is really only interesting to me. With the reading of the articles and, you know, the solving of the puzzles and whatnot.
Donna: You know what? I don't wanna know about the whatnot. I'm outta here. [exits]
Eric: Oh, no, girls. She's onto us.

Eric: Well, hi, there, beautiful. And how are you?
Model: [imaginary] Not good, you dirtbag.
Eric: That's what I thought you'd- Excuse me?
Model: I am not going to help you cheat on your girlfriend.
Eric: But I don't have a girlfriend, you silly librarian.
Model: Don't you lie to me. I heard everything. I was right under that mattress. And that Donna sounded really upset.
Eric: No! No, no. Sh- She's okay, really.
Model: Excuse me. My turnoffs include unfaithful men. Didn't you read my biography?
Eric: Um, l... You know, I was just getting to it.
Model: Sorry, but Donna is a nice girl and you are a filthy, filthy boy! You filthy, filthy, filthy, filthy filthy, filthy, filthy, filthy, filthy, filthy boy!
[Eric shuts the magazine and tosses it away]

Eric: Well, sis-boom-bah.
Model: [imaginary] Sure this is okay?
Eric: Oh, yeah, yeah. Before you got here I got the thumbs-up from the old ball and chain. She's great. You'd like her.
Model: Oh. Well, if she's so great, are you sure you need me?
Eric: Look, I've been over this again and again and again... And, yes, I do.
Model: Okay.
Eric: Well, yay, team.