Kitty: Oh, Red is gonna be furious.
Fez: Mrs. Forman, may I tell you a little story about oppression?
Kitty: Okay.
Fez: Once I had an ant farm. And they would not build their tunnels. I was furious, so I became very strict and stern with my ants. First they feared me, and everything was fine but eventually the ants broke out and attacked me. So I had to kill them.
Kitty: So, um, you think we're being too hard on the kids?
Fez: Well, I don't know about that. I just wanted to let you know that I'm really sad because my ants are dead.
Kitty: Okay. Well, Fez, thanks. [kisses Fez on the forehead] You're a good boy.
Fez: All the ladies want a piece of Fez.

Hyde: [inner monologue] Stop looking at me. Stop looking at me. Stop looking at me.
Jackie: [inner monologue] Please look at me. Hey! Psst. I love you, Steven. I have secret love powers. Look at me!
Donna: [inner monologue] Hmm. I have 29 teeth. No, that can't be right. One, two, three-
Fez: [inner monologue] Jackie's in love with Hyde, and I have nothing. Oh, look. I found an M&M. [eats] Oh, no.
Eric: [inner monologue] My life sucks. Okay, I really hope no one smelled that.
Kelso: [inner monologue] All right! I'm the best-looking person in this room. No. In this whole town. No! No, in this whole state. No.
Red: [inner monologue] Dumbasses.

Kitty: So, how's it going?
Red: Real good. The foreign kid just ate something off the floor.
Kitty: Okay, well, um- Your father's gonna drive me to work.
Red: That's right. And if you do anything wrong, I'll know because one of you is a snitch. You just think about that while I'm gone.
Kitty: Well, they're not gonna do anything wrong because I brought a box of activities to occupy their time. [laughs] So, um, be good and have fun. Do crafts, not drugs! [both exit]
Fez: Ooh, a model airplane and glue.
[Red returns and takes the glue away from Fez]

Red: Oh, shut up. That's it. I have had it. You know what this means? More discipline.
Kitty: No. No.
Red: Oh, yes. Playtime is over.
Kitty: Oh, stop saying that. Your cracking down is not working.
Eric: Hell, I could've told him that a week ago.
Kitty: Now is not the time to be a porky mouth.

Eric: I had a great time on our date tonight.
Donna: Yeah. When do you think Red's gonna give you back the keys to the Cruiser? You know, so we could actually leave the property?
Eric: I don't know. Maybe never. In fact, you're my only contact with the outside world now, Donna. Do... people still laugh out there? I miss the laughter.
Donna: Well, Eric, it's your own stupid fault. I mean, before you opened your big mouth, Red actually believed that smell was incense.
Eric: Yeah, I know. It's just- He was gonna kick Hyde out, and I wanted to help, and- Oh, helping never helps.

Donna: Eric, let's not waste time talkin' about this. How long to the curfew?
Eric: Uh, about one minute. Now, Donna, I'm not bragging, but if you're properly motivated, I can actually do it in that amount of time.
Donna: You don't have to tell me.
Eric: Okay, so... [chuckles] Buckle up, Donna, 'cause the next... 12 seconds are all about you, babe.
Red: Five, four...
Eric: No, wait.
Red: ...three, two, one.
Eric: But I- Damn.
Red: Curfew, hophead.

Red: Geez, I wish I had a quarter for every time I caught you making out with the neighbor girl.
Eric: I wish I had a quarter for every time you embarrassed me.
Red: I wish you did too, 'cause then you'd be a millionaire and you could find someplace else to live.
Eric: What? And leave all this?
Kitty: Okay, fellas. Who wants brownies and a nice glass of milk?
Red: Oh, geez.

Laurie: Daddy, I think it's great you gave Eric and Hyde a curfew. These boys, they need structure. Well, I'll see you.
Kitty: Where do you think you're going?
Laurie: To... night church?
Red: Sorry, honey. Curfew's for everyone.
Laurie: But, Daddy, it's me!
Red: Look, what they did is bad but you sneaking around with Kelso, that's just... unpleasant.
Laurie: But, Daddy, I'm not seeing Kelso.
Hyde: Untrue!
Eric: A damnable lie!
Laurie: A curfew? I'm stuck in this house with you people all night? This sucks!
Kitty: Well, we're just thrilled about it.

Kitty: Well, isn't this a happy house?
Red: Yeah.
Kitty: This is not a happy house.
Red: Well, you just said this was a happy house.
Kitty: Well, that's not what I meant. It was sarcasm.
Red: Well, who the hell knows what you mean, when you won't say what you mean?
Kitty: I don't like how you're treating the children.
Red: [sighs] Look, Kitty. I'm not gonna let our kids go down the wrong path. But if you have a better idea, I'm all ears.
Kitty: Okay. Maybe you could be a little less strict and a little more loving.
Red: Okay, Kitty. Enough with the sarcasm.

Kitty: And let's watch some TV, because that makes us all happy. Okay, here we go. The Brady Bunch Variety Hour is on.
Red: Oh, who the hell gave those people an entire hour?
Kitty: Well, I think this program is fun for the whole family. They've got- They've got Charo and- and the rock band KISS. Okay, see? Now, this is nice. A nice family who gets along and sings and dances.
Eric: Yeah, I love the Bradys. Oh, remember that episode where Mr. Brady went completely insane and put bells on all the doors?
Red: Hey, did you see the one where Greg was a real wiseass and Mr. Brady took him outside and cleaned his clock?