Dina: Didn't you get my text? The implantation worked. I'm pregnant. [Glenn gasps] Or preggers, as my horrid niece would say, trying to make herself sound like she has a personality.
Glenn: That's the most beautiful, magical thing anyone has ever said to me.
Sandra: [sobs] I'm just so happy for you.
Glenn: Thank you.
Dina: No, I am sure I texted you. It was like a week ago. I see what happened. Texted the wrong Glen. "Sorry, pregnant with Glenn with two Ns. LOL." My mechanic.

Glenn: I just don't get how murdering people is considered fun. I mean, what happened to all those innocent games? You know, like Frogger, and Qbert, and Donkey Kong.
Garrett: Innocent? Qbert is about a big-nosed, creepily little freak that commits suicide when things get hard.
Jonah: Frogger is basically a frog Holocaust.
Myrtle: I remember a glitch in the original Donkey Kong where it looks like the ape has a penis.

Sandra: Sometimes when I'm playing The Sims, I give myself a family.
Mateo: Jesus Christ.

Glenn: Do you know why we're always the victims?
Sandra: Because... I'm sorry, Glenn, I don't know.
Glenn: It's because we make ourselves the victim. But I am done being a doormat.
Sandra: It would be nice not to get pushed around.
Glenn: Yeah.
Sandra: My mailman uses the bathroom in my apartment every day. He used to knock, but then he made me make him a key. So...

Dina: Once again, mouth breathers, this is not personal. It's not about who you are. It's about how you smell. And your stench is overwhelming. This is not attacking any one individual. Although if I had to single out the stink king, it would for sure be fatty in the purple hoodie. Ugh.

Glenn: Hey, Sandra.
Sandra: Mm-hmm?
Glenn: You think all these other sweaters are just going to magically get up and fold themselves?
Sandra: No, Glenn, because magic doesn't [bleep] exist! [throws sweater at customer]

Jonah: This is an adventure. It's like The Goonies.
Amy: I never saw that.
Jonah: The Goonies? How have you never seen The Goonies?
Amy: Well, it's a funny story actually. When the movie came out, I just didn't see it.

Glenn: Again, maybe we could have a woman's perspective?
Myrtle: In my day, we called a gal who took her top off a whore.
Glenn: There you are, the woman's perspective.

Dina: The nerd smell is overwhelming. It's like a potent blend of BO, pizza rolls, and misogyny.
Amy: Hey, Dina, so I know that employees aren't supposed to set aside merch, but I was just wondering if maybe you'd want to make an exception for your best friend?
Dina: My old best friend is currently in prison for cheating on her taxes. Ask her if I'm willing to "make an exception." Ugh, hair gel and urine. I can't, I can't.

Glenn: Okay, guys, I really need you to make a line that way. Okay?
Dina: Attention, all soft boys. Get off your butts, and move to the side, now! The first person to step out of line is going to get my foot in their throat. [to Sandra and Glenn] Use...less. Useless.