‘Toxic Workplace’
Season 4, Episode 3 - Aired October 18, 2018
After Amy and Jonah are caught driving to work together, they start bickering on the shop floor so their colleagues won't suspect they're in a relationship. Meanwhile, Cheyenne tries to figure out the optimal carpooling routine for the staff, and Kelly asks to be transferred to another store.
Quote from Jonah
Dina: Listen. Sorry for accidentally texting you that nude.
Amy: No worries.
Dina: What's Jonah doing in there?
Jonah: Oh, hey, Dina. Uh, I was just looking for this Del Taco receipt for 12 tacos.
Amy: You must have been very hungry. No judgment.
Dina: So did you two drive together?
Amy: Um, yes? We did. We are carpooling to save some money.
Jonah: And the environment.
Amy: Well, saving money is reason enough. No need to keep explaining.
Quote from Amy
Cheyenne: It doesn't make any sense. Why are you guys carpooling when you live so far apart? You literally have to drive past the store to pick each other up.
Garrett: I'm surprised this hasn't occurred to either one of you during your long morning drives to each other's houses.
Amy: You know what, Cheyenne? You are really good at this logistics stuff. You should be planning everybody's carpools.
Cheyenne: Really? You think so?
Amy: Yeah, you're really great at it.
Jonah: You have a gift for logistics.
Cheyenne: Oh, because I could. I mean, I could do it right now.
Amy: Now would be great.
Cheyenne: Okay. I'm gonna.
Amy: Get it, girl!
Quote from Sandra
Jerry: Should we get a scented candle for our nightstand?
Sandra: Yeah.
Jerry: This one smells like peanut butter.
Sandra: Oh! [laughs] I already got a jelly one.
Jerry: PB&J. [laughs]
Quote from Mateo
Glenn: Hey, Mateo, how many times in a row have you been employee of the month again?
Mateo: Oh, I don't even keep track.
Glenn: I think it's at least three.
Mateo: Five, it's five.
Glenn: Five. Wow. That's a good run.
Quote from Amy
Amy: Do you think Garret's right? Are we acting like we like each other?
Jonah: I don't know, I mean, maybe I'm annoying you less than I used to.
Amy: Ah, no, that's not it.
Jonah: Oh, yeah? Name three things I do that are actually annoying to you.
Amy: Just three?
Jonah: And you can't say- Can't say asking this question. That doesn't count. It's too easy. [Justine walks up] Okay, come on. Let's hear 'em.
Amy: You know what? Enough chit-chat. Get back to work.
Jonah: What are you doing? I'm just joking. I was working until you interrupted me.
Amy: Just do your job, Jonah.
Jonah: You do your job, Amy.
Amy: I am doing my job... telling you to do your job. [Justine walks away]
Jonah: Not bad.
Amy: That was good.
Quote from Glenn
Glenn: Today, we honor one of our most valued and cherished employees. On behalf of store 1217, it is my privilege to award the Golden Vest to Kelly Watson!
Kelly: What?
Mateo: Wait. The Golden Vest?
Glenn: Yes. It's one of Cloud 9's highest honors.
Kelly: Oh, Glenn, you really don't have to do all of this.
Glenn: Shh. The Golden Vest! [whispers] Cheyenne.
Cheyenne: [throws confetti at Kelly] Congratulations.
Sandra: Yay.
Quote from Amy
Amy: Really, Jonah? You're spraying all-purpose cleaner on the fruit?
Jonah: You know what? Chill out. I'll fix it, all right? Stop shrieking.
Amy: Oh, so anytime a woman tells you what to do, it's shrieking?
Jonah: Oh, don't make this about sexism.
Amy: Have you ever looked in the mirror, listened to your own voice-
Jonah: It's about being a lunatic!
Amy: Listen to yourself. You're shrieking! [Jonah walks off] God, I hate that guy.
Quote from Amy
Amy: Nobody cares about your obnoxious opinions, Jonah!
Jonah: Oh, obnoxious! That's a pretty big word for you, Amy!
Amy: Oh, sure, keep on calling me dumb, you slick-haired, insecure, sad little fancy boy.
Jonah: [mouths] Fancy boy? [talks] What an insulting and antiquated thing for you to say to me. You know what? If I'm a fancy boy, you know what you are?
Amy: No, what am I?
Jonah: You are a loud-mouthed, domineering, crazy little... [whispering] Is bitch too...?
Amy: No, it's good.
Jonah: [loudly] Bitch! [Amy gasps] Yeah, I said it.
Amy: Don't you use that word with me! Take this!
Jonah: Ow! You shoved me, Amy! What is wrong with you?
Amy: Yeah, I did. What are you gonna do about it, you wuss? Ow! Um, why would you slam my clipboard on the floor like that?
Jonah: [whispers] Nice pivot.
Quote from Sandra
[Sandra crashes her cart into Carol's cart]
Carol: Hey.
Sandra: Keep your saggy boobs to yourself.
Carol: Oops. Did Jerry say something? I didn't hear him complain at the time.
Sandra: That's because he's very soft-spoken. [rams cart again]
Carol: Ow. Stop.
Sandra: You stop. [rams cart again]
Quote from Glenn
Glenn: There she is. Mrs. Golden Vest. She's the best.
Kelly: Did you sign my transfer papers yet?
Glenn: But you won the Golden Vest.
Kelly: Glenn.
Glenn: Come on, don't leave us. I mean, I know it's not a perfect workplace, but we love each other here.
Sandra: Keep your hands off him! He's mine! [crashing]
Glenn: Excuse me, I've got to go stop the love.