Glenn: Congratulations on being sexually active.
Woman: I'm sorry?
Glenn: Okay, I know I probably can't talk you out of buying contraception, right? I mean, that's just not gonna happen.
Woman: I didn't ask for any assistance.
Glenn: So if it's gonna happen no matter what, these are $50 each. Okay, now, I'm not looking to make a profit. That's the price I paid plus a small donation to the pro-life coalition.

Glenn: We're all gonna die in here!
Dina: Whoa, whoa! Okay, everybody calm down. It's just an open carry protest. Gun owners are just exercising their second amendment rights. It's all perfectly legal.
Garrett: Okay, but let's not let this little gun thing overshadow the real problem, which is the crows. They are equally as dangerous.

Sandra: Why are they here?
Glenn: Well, apparently Jonah was denying service to everybody who wanted to buy a gun, so...
Myrtle: Oh, what a D bag.
Jonah: I shouldn't have been there in the first place, okay? Technically, this is Amy's fault.
Amy: What?
Glenn: Amy, can you just move Jonah?
Amy: No, he doesn't get to win.
Jonah: Ugh. Why are you being like this?
Amy: "Like this." What is "like this"? I'm doing my job.
Mateo: Oh, my god, just bang already.
Garrett: That's what I been saying.
Jonah: Gross.
Amy: Eww.

Glenn: Okay, okay. We're all feeling emotional, but we're gonna get through this safely together. And then we can go home to our loved ones. Oh, and if you're planning on having sex with them tonight, come see me. All right, meeting dismissed.

Dina: [over PA] Attention, shoppers.
Mateo: Attention.
Dina: I need everyone in the store to be completely silent as I will be making some noises that replicate the calls of the crows' natural enemies. This will drive them out of the store. Thank you. [clears throat] [mimics flapping] [mimics birds caw] Koo-wik ka! Whip-poor-will, will, will, will, will, will, will. Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! [mimics bird trilling] [mimics cawing] [mimics hooting]

Man: Today is a great day for the second amendment.
All: Yeah!
Man: I'm proud to see so many of us came out here to protest the despicable actions of that short-haired lady over there who infringed on our rights today. She can't take us away from our guns.
All: Yeah!
Jonah: Okay, all right, all right. First of all, I'm a man, but thank you. Second of all, what about my first amendment right, huh? The right to an opinion. I can say whatever I want to say.
Man: Well, I don't gotta listen to it. Blah-bitty blah, blah.
Jonah: Blah, blah, blah.

Amy: We can't all just do whatever we want whenever we want to. You don't want to sell guns, it's your job. Be a grown-up. And you! Someone pisses you off so you have to flash a rifle to prove a point? Come on, man. Just be a grown-up. Look. I wanted to spend the weekend eating pizza and watching Freddie Prinze Jr.
Man: Isn't he dead?
Amy: What? I don't think so. No, I'm, like, 70% sure he's alive. Okay, that's beside the point. The point is that I don't get to do that because my husband got tickets to a conference. But I'm an adult. So you don't see me throwing a fit about it.
Man #2: Isn't that kind of what you're doing now?

Glenn: Okay, while we're talking about stuff, sexuality and morality: Two alaties with...

Jonah: I'm sorry your weekend got ruined.
Amy: It's fine. These things happen.
Jonah: You know, I'm gonna just go ahead and work the gun counter. You were right. I was... I was being a jerk.
Amy: Really? Wow. Thank you, Jonah.
Jonah: No problem.
Amy: Wait a second. Are you agreeing with me because I'm right or because you feel sorry for me?
Jonah: Because you're right. Why would I feel sorry for such a strong, fierce woman, you know? Get it, girl.
Amy: You feel sorry for me.
Jonah: I... no. I don't.
Amy: Oh, no, no, no. I don't need anybody's pity. Don't work the gun counter.
Jonah: No, it's fine. I'm working the gun counter.
Amy: I just said you're not work the gun counter.
Jonah: But I'm putting me on guns. Here I go.
Amy: No, I'm stopping you.
Jonah: Well, you can't stop me, so...
Amy: Yes, I can stop you. I just gave you an order, and I'm your supervisor.
Jonah: You're not... I refuse your order.
Amy: Yes, I am your supervisor.
Jonah: What are you...

Dina: See, I told you we could get the bird out of the store safely.
Garrett: Well, I gotta say, I was wrong. No reason to hurt that little thing.
[Mateo starts whacking the bag against the ground]
Dina: They're smart animals. They deserve kindness.
Garrett: And you treated it humanely. And I gotta respect that.
Dina: Well, I just treat them how I would want to be treated. You know? [to Mateo] All right, let's go release this little sweetheart.
Mateo: But... Dina, I have something to tell you!