George: This is great! He fired her! This is incredible, he fired her. I'm out, baby! I'm out!
Jerry: Why did he fire her?
George: Because I kissed her in the meeting. Russell found out, he fired her over the phone. Finally, my stupidity pays off!
Kramer: What is here comes the judge, here comes the judge!
Jerry: You can't break up with her now. Her life is shattered. You got her fired. You gotta be there for her.
George: What?
Jerry: You got to at least wait until she gets another job.
George: Another job?
Jerry: Couple of interviews.
George: Oh, this is unbelievable. I'm stuck. Every time I think I'm out, they pull me back in.

George: What do I do? Well actually, I'm a writer. In fact, I'm writing a comedy pilot for NBC right now.
Woman: A sitcom? How can you write that crap? Carol, this guy's writing a sitcom.
Carol: A sitcom? Come on, let's go. [walks away]
Woman: A sitcom. Can you imagine? And he actually tried to use it to hit on me!

[stand-up:]
Jerry: In ancient tribal cultures, they would actually sacrifice a virgin. They thought that would do something. They would find some girl who had never been out with anybody, and they would throw her into a volcano. I mean, there's a first date you'll never forget. She winds up in heaven talking to Chuck Woolery. "So tell me, Lisa, how did the date end? "Not well, Chuck. Not well." "Well, if you'd like to be thrown into a volcano again, we'll pay for it."

Jerry: We're dead.
George: We're not dead.
Jerry: We are dead.
George: Come on. We got all day tomorrow to come up with a story.
Jerry: All day tomorrow? We had a month and a half to come up with something and we didn't do anything.
George: So we'll do it tomorrow.

Jerry: Hi, Marla.
Marla: Jerry.
Jerry: George, Marla.
George: Marla.
Marla: George. Jerry, Stacy.
Jerry: Stacy.
Stacy: Jerry.
Jerry: George, Stacy.
George: Stacy.
Stacy: George.
Jerry: George.
George: [off Jerry's cue] Jerry, Marla. [walks over] Stacy.

Marla: Let me tell you what I think.
Jerry: Please, and be brutal. I have no closet sensitivity.
Marla: Are you very fussy about your pants?
Jerry: I don't think I am.
Marla: Because I have a very radical idea. Can you handle it?
Jerry: Try me.
Marla: Here's what I'm proposing. We'll eliminate all this. The hangers, the bar, the shelves. And in its place install a series of hooks. We'll put everything on hooks.
Jerry: Everything?
Marla: Everything. The shirts, pants, sport jackets, pajamas. We could get eighty hooks on here.
Jerry: You're quite mad, you know.

Jerry: What are you doing?
Kramer: I'm watching The Bold and the Beautiful.
Jerry: No.
Kramer: What?
Jerry: This is not a good time.
Kramer: Five minutes. What?
Jerry: What did you have to give your TV away to George for?
Kramer: Because I've been watching too much. It was an addiction. I couldn't stop. It was, it was destroying my brain cells.
Jerry: Yeah, but now you're in here all the time.

Jerry: So your boyfriend never came back from Berlin.
Marla: Never came back.
Jerry: Oh, you must have been devastated being left for a wall.
Marla: It was about to end anyway. There was this... problem.

Jerry: So you were saying there was this problem.
Marla: Well, he wanted me to move in with him.
Jerry: [opens fridge] Snapple?
Marla: No thanks.
Jerry: [closes fridge] Go on.
Marla: Well, I wouldn't move in because...
Jerry: Yes.
Marla: Well, because...
Jerry: Yeah.
Marla: Well, because... I'm a virgin.

Elaine: Hello.
Jerry: Hi, um. Marla, Elaine.
Elaine: I'm sorry, I didn't know you had company. I just wanted to return your tape.
Jerry: Oh, thanks a lot, two weeks late. Now that costs me $35 to see Havana.
Elaine: I'm sorry, I really am. I just kept forgetting.