[Mark is a slim, youthful man with a full head of hair:]
Casting Director: O.K. Let's read this. I'll be reading Jerry's part.
Mark: Anyone call for Vandelay Industries? [George laughs]
Casting Director: No. Why?
Mark: Listen to me. I told the unemployment office I was close to a job with Vandelay Industries and I gave them your phone number. So, when you answer the phone now, you've got to say: "Vandelay Industries".
Casting Director: I'm Vandelay Industries?
Mark: Right.
Casting Director: What is that?
Mark: You're in latex.
Casting Director: What do I do with latex?
Mark: I don't know, you manufacture it.

Casting Director: This is Michael Barth. Another George. [Michael is a slobbish guy with glasses and a receding hairline]
Jerry: Everything all right?
Michael: I just came from the podiatrist. I have a mole on my foot. I've got a little gangrene, they're probably gonna have to amputate. [everyone except George laughs]
Casting Director: Any questions?
Michael: Yeah. What are we looking at here? Is this guy like a real loser?
George: No, not a loser!
Casting Director: Let's start with the second scene. You have it here?
Michael: A man gave me a, you know, massage. [everyone except George laughs]
Casting Director: So?
Michael: Well, he- He had his hands, you know, and, uh, he was, uh...
Casting Director: He was what?
Michael: He was you know... he was touching and rubbing.
Casting Director: That's a massage.
Michael: I think it moved.

Casting Director: This is Melissa Shannon.
Melissa: Hi.
Casting Director: Melissa is reading for Elaine.
Melissa: It's like a bald convention out there! [sees George] Sorry. I, uh, made a faux pas.
Jerry: No, you didn't. He knows he's bald.
Melissa: So how about that guy wearing sweat pants? I mean did he do that for the part or does he walk around like that?

Stu: Now, I thought he was really good, very funny.
Jerry: Yeah, I liked him.
George: What happened to the raisins?
Jay: Yeah, there was a box of raisins there!
George: Did he just steal the raisins?
Stu: You think he stole them?

Kramer: [stilted delivery] I saw Joe DiMaggio in Dinky Doughnuts again, but this time, I went in. [pauses] Oh! Uh, where's the bathroom?
Stu: I think if you go down the hall, it's on the right at the very end.
Kramer: Yeah. Be right back. [exits]

Elaine: So who's playing Elaine?
Jerry: Oh, don't worry about it. Very talented, very talented young actress.
Elaine: Really?
Jerry: Yes.
Elaine: Who is it?
Jerry: She's an Eskimo, actually.
Elaine: Oh, my God.
Jerry: She came down from Juno by sleigh, she was in the Iditarod. Got to the finish line, just kept going. She's got the dogs with her in the hotel room.

Elaine: Listen, was Russell at the casting?
Jerry: No, he didn't show up.
Elaine: You know, I'm a little bit worried about him. I don't understand. We had one date two months ago. Am I that charming and beautiful?
Jerry: No. No you're not.
Elaine: Why do I keep setting you up?
Jerry: I don't know.

Jerry: What physical characteristic would you say is common to all of them?
Elaine: Ah...
Jerry: I mean look at this. Every waitress working here has the same proportions. Wouldn't you say?
Elaine: Yes, I would say.
Jerry: What's going on here. How is that possible?
Elaine: Do you think it's a coincidence?
Jerry: No. I haven't seen four women like this together outside of a Russ Meyer film.

Elaine: You know what? That's discriminatory. That is unfair. Why should these women have all the advantages? It's not enough they get all the attention from men, they have to get all the waitress jobs, too?
Jerry: Hey, that's life. Good-looking men have the same advantages. You don't see any handsome homeless.

George: You got mugged?
Jerry: Mugged?
Kramer: Well, I wouldn't have minded it so much but I was running home to go to the bathroom.
Jerry: Why didn't you use the bathroom in the building?
Kramer: It was full. I tried a few other places, you know, but that didn't work. I mean it was an emergency, Jerrry. I was really percolating... So I decided to run home through the park and then these two guys they stopped me and...
Jerry: [over intercom] Yeah?
Elaine: It's me.
Jerry: Come on up.
Kramer: But now I have a big problem, buddy.
Jerry: What is it?
Kramer: Well, I waited so long I-- I missed my chance.
Jerry: You didn't go?
Kramer: No. And now I can't get it back.