George: [on the phone] This is George Costanza, I'm calling for my test results. Negative? Oh, my God. Why?! Why?! Why?! What? What? Negative is good? [cheers up] Oh, yes of course! How stupid of me. Thank you. Thank you very much. [hangs up]

[stand-up:]
Jerry: To me, the whole concept of fear of success is proof that we are definitely scraping the bottom of the fear barrel. Are we gonna have to have AA-type meetings for these people? They'll go: "Hi, my name is Bill, and the one thing I'm worried about is having a stereo and a cream-colored couch." According to most studies, people's number-one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two! Now, this means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

George: When I asked him if it was cancer, he didn't give me a "get outta here". That's what I wanted to hear: "Cancer? Get outta here!"
Jerry: Well, maybe he doesn't have a "get outta here" kind of personality.
George: How could you be a doctor and not say "get outta here"? It should be part of the training at medical school: "Cancer? Get outta here! Go home! What are you crazy? It's a little test. It's nothing. You're a real nut. You know that?" I told you that God would never let me be successful. I never should've written that pilot. Now the show will be a big hit, we'll make millions of dollars, and I'll be dead. Dead Jerry. Because of this.
Jerry: Can't you at least die with a little dignity?
George: No, I can't. I can't die with dignity. I have no dignity. I want to be the one person who doesn't die with dignity. I live my whole life in shame. Why should I die with dignity?