‘The Opposite’
Season 5, Episode 22 - Aired May 19, 1994
George decides to turn his life around by doing the opposite of what his instincts tell him to do. Kramer goes on TV to promote his coffee table book. As Jerry boasts about how everything "evens out" in his life, Elaine's luck takes a downward turn.
Quote from Kramer
Kathie Lee Gifford: I don't know, maybe it's the hair or something!
Regis Philbin: Kramer. So, Kramer, a coffee table book about coffee tables. Where did you come up with this idea?
Kramer: Yeah, well, I'll tell you, Regis. Actually, this is a true story. I was skiing at the time.
Regis Philbin: You know, when I'm skiing, Kramer, I'm trying not to kill myself, and you're writing books!
Kramer: Yeah, well, now you kids don't go out and try that. You stay in school!
Kathie Lee Gifford: Have you always had an interest in coffee tables, because, really, I love coffee tables, and I thought I was the only one.
Kramer: You see the beauty of my book is, if you don't have a coffee table, it turns into a coffee table.
Quote from George
Jerry: The New York Yankees?!
George: The New York Yankees!
Jerry: Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle ... Costanza?
George: I'm the assistant to the travelling secretary. I'm going on the road trips with them! I'll be on the plane... I'm working in Yankee Stadium! This is a dream, I'm busting, Jerry, I'm busting!
Jerry: I can't believe it.
George: And I'm moving out of my parents' house. I'm taking that apartment on 86th street, remember the one we saw?
Jerry: That's a great place!
George: I'm back in business, baby!
Quote from Elaine
Jerry: How are things going?
Elaine: How are things going? You wanna know how things are going? I'll tell you how things are going. I am getting kicked out of my apartment.
Jerry: Why? Why are they doing that?
Elaine: I don't know. They have a list of grievances.
Jerry: The jewel thief?
Elaine: Yeah, the jewel thief.
Jerry: What else?
Elaine: I put Canadian quarters in the washing machine.
Quote from Elaine
Tina: Elaine, we have a problem.
Elaine: Well, what is it?
Tina: You're getting kicked out.
Elaine: Kicked out?! Why?!
Tina: Well, there's been a number of complaints.
Elaine: Yeah? Like what?
Tina: Well, like last Thanksgiving you buzzed up a jewel thief.
Elaine: I didn't know who he was!
Tina: That's why there's a buzzer.
Elaine: What else?
Tina: Well, apparently, the week after that, you buzzed up some Jehovah's Witnesses and they couldn't get them out of the building.
Elaine: What else have you got?
Tina: Well, let's see. [produces a list]
Quote from George
Elaine: Uh, George, you know, that woman just looked at you.
George: So what? What am I supposed to do?
Elaine: Go talk to her.
George: Elaine, bald men with no jobs, and no money, who live with their parents, don't approach strange women.
Jerry: Well, here's your chance to try the opposite. Instead of tuna salad and being intimidated by women, chicken salad and going right up to them.
George: Yeah, I should do the opposite, I should.
Jerry: If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.
George: Yes, I will do the opposite. I used to sit here and do nothing, and regret it for the rest of the day, so now I will do the opposite, and I will do something.
Quote from Kramer
Jerry: You know, life is amazing. I just lost a job and five minutes later, get another, same weekend, same money.
Kramer: You know who you are? Even Steven.
Quote from Elaine
Manager: Excuse me, is your name Elaine?
Elaine: Yes.
Manager: Were you supposed to meet a Jake Jarmal here?
Elaine: Yeah.
Manager: Well, I'm afraid he's been in an accident.
Elaine: An accident? What happened?
Manager: He got side-swiped by a cab, but he's all right. He's in St. Vincent Hospital, room 907.
Elaine: Oh. Okay. Thank you. [starts to walk out, then goes back to the counter] Could I have a box of Jujyfruits?
Quote from Kramer
Kathie Lee Gifford: This coffee table is full of pictures of celebrities' coffee tables.
Kramer: That's true. That's right.
Regis Philbin: Yeah? Well, I'm not in there. Where's mine?
Kramer: Oh, it's on file, right here. [points to his head]
Regis Philbin: I'm telling you, this guy's bonkos! He really is!
Kathie Lee Gifford: But he's adorable.
[Kramer takes a sip of coffee, then spits it out all over the hosts]
Kathie Lee Gifford: All over my Kathie Lee Casuals.
Regis Philbin: We'll be right back in a moment.
Quote from George
George: Hey, I just found twenty dollars! I tell you this, something is happening in my life. I did this opposite thing last night. Up was down, black was white, good was -
Jerry: Bad.
George: Day was-
Elaine: Night.
George: Yes!
Jerry: So you just did the opposite of everything?
George: Yes. And listen to this. Listen to this, her uncle works for the Yankees and he's gonna get me a job interview. A front office kind of thing. Assistant to the travelling secretary. A job with the New York Yankees! This has been the dream of my life ever since I was a child, and it's all happening because I'm completely ignoring every urge towards common sense and good judgment I've ever had. This is no longer just some crazy notion. Jerry, this is my religion.
Jerry: So I guess your Messiah would be the Anti-Christ.
Quote from Kramer
Kramer: What, you got yourself a cold?
[As Mr. Lippman sneezes, Kramer jumps out of his seat]
Kramer: Wow, that's quite a honk!
Mr. Lippman: Oh, thank you.
Kramer: Get yourself some vitamin C with rose hips and bioflavenoids.