‘The Opposite’
Season 5, Episode 22 - Aired May 19, 1994
George decides to turn his life around by doing the opposite of what his instincts tell him to do. Kramer goes on TV to promote his coffee table book. As Jerry boasts about how everything "evens out" in his life, Elaine's luck takes a downward turn.
Quote from Jerry
Rachel: Well, I don't think we should see each other any more.
Jerry: Oh, that's okay.
Rachel: What?
Jerry: Nah, that's fine. No problem. I'll meet somebody else.
Rachel: You will?
Jerry: Sure. See, things always even out for me.
Rachel: Huh?
Jerry: It's fine. Anyway, it's been really nice dating you for a while. And good luck!
Rachel: Yeah, you too.
Jerry: [sings] She'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes...
Quote from Estelle Costanza
Estelle Costanza: I can't believe you're moving out. [grabs Kramer] Kramer, is this true? Is it really happening? It's... It's like a dream.
Kramer: Oh, it's true.
George: All right, let's go.
Quote from George
Frank Costanza: Don't get in trouble with the Yankees. You be nice. [slaps George's forehead]
George: I'm not gonna be nice. That's how I got the job.
Estelle Costanza: Jerry, did you hear this?
Jerry: He knows what he's doing.
George: [to his parents] I just want the both of you to know how much you mean to me, and I love you both very, very much.
Jerry: [to Kramer] Opposite.
Quote from George
George: Greetings, people. Greetings. Greetings and salutations. What a beautiful day for a ball game. Let's play two! [to the waitress] Oh, I'll have the chicken salad on rye, my usual. You know what I get, darlin'. [to the gang] So, let's see, I had a little conversation today with Mr. Don Mattingly. He's the first base man. We talked about his new batting stance. You know, I'm not crazy about it, but I said , "Danny, go with it 'till it stops workin'." Donny Baseball. He's a helluva guy.
Quote from Jerry
[stand-up:]
Jerry: Coffee's a drink that seems to encourage a lot of accessories around it. Coffee cake, coffee table, coffee table book, klatches of people. Say what you want about alcohol, but not only are there not a lot of optional accessories, alcohol actually helps you get rid of things. Family, home, job, driver's license. In fact, at a certain point, the only thing you have to remember to get, is more alcohol. And maybe a rag for your squeegee.
Quote from Elaine
Jerry: You got a raise?
Elaine: I don't fool around, baby!
Jerry: I thought you said Pendant was in financial trouble.
Elaine: They were, but they're being absorbed by Matsushimi, that big Japanese conglomerate.
Jerry: Oh, when did that happen?
Elaine: They're signing the papers next week.
Jerry: Does this mean they're gonna be publishing Kramer's coffee table book?
Elaine: Yeah, they'll definitely do it now.
Jerry: Boy, you're on quite a streak. Job promotion, plus you're back with Jake Jarmal.
Elaine: Yeah, it's getting serious. We're talking about moving in together.
Jerry: Boy, you really got it all. I'm sure Helen Gurley Brown would be very proud of you.
Quote from Jerry
Jerry: You know, chicken salad is not the opposite of tuna. Salmon is the opposite of tuna. 'cause salmon swim against the current, and the tuna swim with it.
George: Good for the tuna.
Quote from Kramer
Kramer: Hey. Buddy, it's all happening!
Jerry: What's happening?
Kramer: The coffee table book. It's a go!
Jerry: Oh yeah, I heard all about it.
Kramer: You know what this means? I'm starting the book tour. First stop, Regis and Kathie Lee.
Jerry: You're going on Regis and Kathie Lee?
Kramer: Oh, you better believe it!
Jerry: I'll loan you my puffy shirt.
Kramer: No, no, no.
Jerry: What are you gonna talk about?
Kramer: Well, coffee tables.
Quote from Kramer
Regis Philbin: Can I bring out our next guest now?
Kathie Lee Gifford: Please, please.
Regis Philbin: Young guy, he's got a new book coming out, and it's about- And this is the best part-
Kathie Lee Gifford: I love this.
Regis Philbin: It's a coffee table book about coffee tables!
Kathie Lee Gifford: Yeah. Is that clever? I think that is so clever!
Regis Philbin: I think so too. Did you get to meet him back stage?
Kathie Lee Gifford: I did.
Regis: I mean, he looks like a fun guy, doesn't he?
Kathie Lee Gifford: I love his hair.
Regis Philbin: Yeah, oh, I do too. This guy could be a little bonkos. Really. Anyway, if you will, would you please welcome: Kramer!
[w
Quote from Elaine
Jerry: So it's all over?
Elaine: Yeah, it got pretty nasty.
Jerry: And what did you go back for? Jujyfruit?
Elaine: It's not like I went across the street. I bought the Jujyfruit and I got in a cab.
Jerry: Why didn't you eat it in the cab?
Elaine: Because I got popcorn too, and I ate that first.