Kramer: Yeah, I'm here to pick up my new plates. My name is Kramer. Cosmo Kramer.
Clerk: Kramer. [checks computer] All right.
Kramer: All righty.
Clerk: Sign right here, please.
Kramer: Okay. [The clerk hands him a manila envelope]. Thanks. [opens the envelope] Assman? Oh, no, these don't belong to me. I'm not the Assman. I think there's been a mistake.
Clerk: What's your name again?
Kramer: Cosmo Kramer.
Clerk: [checks computer again] Cosmo Kramer. You are the Assman.
Kramer: No! I'm not the Assman.
Clerk: Well, as far as the state of New York is concerned, you are.

George: So, did you get your new plates?
Kramer: Oh, yeah. I got my new plates. But they mixed them up. Somebody got mine and I got their vanity plates.
George: What do they say?
Kramer: Assman.
Jerry: Assman?
Kramer: Yeah. Assman, Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman!

George: An eye job? Ma, you don't need an eye job.
Estelle Costanza: Georgie, I'm a divorcee.
George: No, you're not a divorcee. You're just separated. You're- You're a separatee.
Estelle Costanza: Well, I'm out there, George.
George: No, you're not out there.
Estelle Costanza: I am, too!
George: You're not out there! You can't be, because I am out there. And if I see you out there, there's not enough voltage in this world to electroshock me back into coherence!

George: Hey, look at that. They got lobster on the menu. Who would order a lobster here? I mean, do they bring a lobster in everyday hoping today's the day.
Estelle Costanza: So what if they have a lobster? Suddenly you're a shell-fish connoisseur.
George: You know, I think we really need to be in front of a television set. You take T.V. out of this relationship, it is just torture.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: The worst part about a car breaking down is when you're out on the road and you're a guy. Because now you have to get out and pretend like you know what you're doing. You gotta go, "All right, honey, I'm gonna go check it out." Walk around the front, open up the hood. That's good, 'cause it obscures her view. That's the main reason you want to do that. You're looking in there, you know. You're hoping you're going to see something in there so simple, so obvious, so incredibly easy to fix, even you can handle it. Like a giant on/off switch turned off.

Jerry: Who would order a license plate that says "Assman"?
George: Maybe they're Wilt Chamberlain's.
Jerry: It doesn't have to be someone who gets a lot of women. It could be just some guy with a big ass.
Kramer: Yeah, or it could be a proctologist.
Jerry: Yeah. Proctologist.
George: Come on! No doctor would put that on his car.
Kramer: Have you ever met a proctologist? Well, they usually have a very good sense of humor. You meet a proctologist at a party, don't walk away. Plant yourself there, because you will hear the funniest stories you've ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they stuck something up there. Never! It's always an accident. Every proctologist story ends in the same way: "It was a million-to-one shot, Doc. Million-to-one."

George: What's to think about? If Puddy says it's what it is, it's what it is. He's not gonna cheat you.
Jerry: Except that it's not Puddy.
George: What happened to Puddy?
Jerry: Eh, we had a little fight about the move. I took her to this other place. I think they might be trying to screw me.
George: Well, of course they're trying to screw you. What do you think? That's what they do. They can make up anything. Nobody knows. "By the way, you need a new Johnson rod in here." "Oh, a Johnson rod. Yeah, well, you better put one of those on."

Jerry: Is it something I said?
Elaine: Yes! As a matter of fact! David Puddy won't do the move anymore.
Jerry: Really?
Elaine: Oh, he's come up with some other move. You should see this thing.
Jerry: What is it?
Elaine: Oh, it's a lot of just fancy-shmancy stuff. You know what it's like? It's like a big budget movie with a story that goes nowhere.
Jerry: Huh.
Elaine: I mean, this move is no good, Jerry. It's just taking up a lot of my time. And I will not stand by and allow him to perform this move on me, while a perfectly good move is just sitting in the barn doing nothing!

[After Kramer pulls into a parking space marked "Doctors Only", a security guard approaches him as he gets out of the car]
Security Guard: Can I help you?
Kramer: Ah, yeah. Doctor Cosmo Kramer. [points to "Assman" plate] Proctology.
Security Guard: Oh, oh, okay. Sure...
Kramer: Thanks. Have a good day.

Estelle Costanza: You can't face the fact that I'm improving myself.
Frank Costanza: You're not the only one improving yourself. I worked out with a dumbbell yesterday. I feel vigorous!