Elaine: What is that?
David Puddy: That's the letter D.
Elaine: Why is the letter D painted on your chest?
David Puddy: Well, I'm going to the game tonight, and me and these five other guys are gonna take our shirts off and spell out 'Devils'.
Elaine: But you said no more painting.
David Puddy: No, I said no more face painting. And as you can see, this is not my face.
Elaine: Yeah, that's right.

Elaine: Oh, thanks very much, the soup was really good.
Jerry: What are you telling him for?
Elaine: What?
Jerry: He's the busboy. You think he cares about the soup?
Elaine: Yeah, why? Wouldn't he want the soup to be good?
Jerry: Elaine, it's all this guy can do to keep from killing himself. You think he's back there, talking to the chef, going, "Hey, they like the soup! Keep it up!"?

Jerry: Well, what about these nitwits that get on a plane with nothing to read? You know who these people are?
Elaine: Who?
Jerry: These are the people that want to talk to you. They got nothing else to do, why not disturb you?
Elaine: I will never understand people.
Jerry: They're the worst.

George: I might tell her that I love her. I came this close last night, then I just chickened out.
Jerry: Well, that's a big move, Georgie boy. Are you confident in the "I love you" return?
George: Fifty-fifty.
Jerry: Cause if you don't get that return, that's a pretty big matzo ball hanging out there.
George: Well, I've just got to say it once. Everybody else gets to say it, why can't I say it?
Elaine: What, you never said it?
George: Once, to a dog. He licked himself and left the room.
Jerry: Well, so it wasn't a total loss.

George: You have any idea how fast these things deteriorate when there's an "I love you" out of the bag? You can't have a relationship where one person says, "I love you", and the other says, "I'm hungry. Let's get something to eat."
Jerry: Unless you're married.
George: I mean, now she thinks that I'm one of these guys that love her. Nobody wants to be with somebody that loves them.
Jerry: No, people hate that.
George: You want to be with somebody that doesn't like you.
Jerry: Ideally.
George: I am never saying "I love you" again unless they say it first.
Waitress: Matzo ball soup?
George: That would be me.

Jerry: Did you call Alec Berg and thank him for the hockey tickets?
Jerry: No.
Kramer: Oh, Jerry, what are you waiting for?
Jerry: What do I gotta call him for? I thanked him five times when he gave them to me, how many time I gotta thank him?
Kramer: Oh, no no no, you gotta call him the next day, it's common courtesy.
Jerry: No, I don't believe in it. I'm taking a stand against all this over-thanking.
Kramer: Jerry, good manners are the glue of society.
Jerry: Hey, if I knew I had to give him eight million thank-yous, I wouldn't have taken the tickets in the first place.

Kramer: All right, where you going?
Jerry: I gotta get a suit cleaned, I have a funeral on Friday.
Kramer: Who died?
Jerry: Remember the guy who pretended he had cancer so I would buy him the toupee?
Kramer: So he actually had it?
Jerry: No, car accident. He was trying to adjust his toupee while he was driving and he lost control of the car.

George: I'm gonna do it.
Jerry: What? After what you just went through, I thought you said you'd never say it again.
George: I'd like to say it once to someone that can actually hear it!

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Monkeys are really the end of the line in the pet world. I think when you're at the monkey level of pet ownership, have a kid. I mean, come on, you know, I mean, you're so close. If you need a pet that can roller- skate and smoke cigars, it's time to think about a family. Monkeys, of course, were the first astronauts in the sixties, which I'm sure made perfect sense in the monkey brain. "I feel that is the next logical step for me, because I've been working with the Italian guy and the crank organ, and I think I'm ready to handle the maximum re-entry G-forces."

Jerry: I mean, do you think it's possible that he's mad at me because he didn't get the day-after thank you?
George: Wait a minute, you were at a funeral, right?
Jerry: Yeah.
George: Well, people never give a good hello at a funeral. I mean, they go like this. [understated nod] That's the biggest.
Jerry: Yeah, yeah, that's kinda what he gave me.
George: Hey, they can't go, "Hey! You look fabulous!"