George: Hey, by the way, if anybody wants an inside tour of the zoo, Siena works there as a trainer.
Kramer: So she works at the zoo?
George: Yeah, yeah.
Kramer: Yeah, like Dian Fossey. You know, she's the only person that's ever been accepted into gorilla society. And you know, once those gorillas accept you, you got it made in the shade.

Kramer: You know I'm supposed to go on this special tour today with George's girlfriend?
Jerry: At the zoo?
Kramer: Yeah, but before I met up with her, I stopped to look at the monkeys, when all of a sudden I am hit in the face with a banana peel. I turn and look and there is this monkey really laughing it up. Then someone tells me that he did it. Well, I pick up the banana peel and I wait for that monkey to turn around. And then I... let him have it.
Jerry: Kramer, you threw a banana peel at a monkey?
Kramer: Well, he started it!
Jerry: It's a monkey, Kramer!
Kramer: Well, he pushed my buttons, I couldn't help it, Jerry.
Jerry: Well, I still think it's wrong.
Kramer: All right, all right, fine. You take the monkey's side, all right, go ahead.
Jerry: I'm not taking anyone's side.
Kramer: Cause I know what happened, Jerry.

Mr. Pless: Well, Mr. Kramer, to get right to it, we're having a bit of a problem with Barry.
Kramer: Barry?
Mr. Pless: The chimpanzee.
Kramer: Oh. Well, uh, what's the problem?
Mr. Pless: Well, he's not functioning the way he normally does. He seems depressed. He's lost his appetite. He's even curtailed his autoerotic activities. And we think this is directly related to the altercation he had with you the other day.
Kramer: So, so what do you want me to do?
Mr. Pless: Well, frankly we'd like you to apologize.
Kramer: Yeah, well he started it.
Mr. Pless: Mr. Kramer, he is an innocent primate.
Kramer: So am I! I mean, what about my feelings? Don't my feelings count for anything? Oh, only the poor monkey's important. Everything has to be done for the monkey!

Jerry: Look, what do you want me to do?
Kramer: I want you to get on this phone and give him his thank you!
Jerry: No. No, I can't!
Kramer: Jerry, this is the way society functions. Aren't you a part of society? Because if you don't want to be a part of society, Jerry, why don't you just get in your car and move to the East Side!
Jerry: Look, we got five hours before the game. I am betting it was a funeral hello. He knows we're here, he knows the number, he knows we want to go. There's plenty of time for him to call and give us the tickets.
Kramer: You stubborn, stupid, silly man!

David Puddy: [laughs] We took it to you. You couldn't get it out of your zone all night. We were aggressive. We didn't let you penetrate!
Kramer: All right, that's enough out of you, there's still three more games left in this series, my friend, and it's far from being over. Very far from being over. [an energized Puddy walks out into the street] Watch out!
[The car, carrying an elderly priest, stops short of hitting Puddy]
David Puddy: Hey, what are you doing?! Watch where you're driving, man! Don't mess with the Devils, buddy. We're number one. We beat anybody. We're the Devils! The Devils! Ha!
Father Hernandez: El Diablo! Dios mio! El Diablo!

David Puddy: Hey, great dip. You made this?
Elaine: No, it's from the store.
David Puddy: Oh. Hey, how come people don't have dip for dinner? Why is it only a snack? Why can't it be a meal, you know? I don't understand stuff like that.

Elaine: That poor priest. He was just visiting from El Salvador. Now he's gone completely loco.
Jerry: The one Puddy screamed at in the car?
Elaine: Yeah. He thinks he saw the devil. He won't leave his room in the church basement.
Jerry: Well, that's what you get for getting mixed up with a face painter.
Elaine: I mean, what compels a seemingly normal human being to do something like that?
Jerry: [as Puddy] Gotta support the team.

George: Take toilet paper for example. Do you realize that toilet paper has not changed in my lifetime? It's just paper on a cardboard roll, that's it. And in ten thousand years, it will still be exactly the same because really,
what else can they do?
Siena: That's true. There really has been no development in toilet paper.
George: And everything else has changed. But toilet paper is exactly the same, and will be so until we're dead.
Siena: Yeah, you're right George. What else can they do?
George: It's just paper on a roll, that's it. And that's all it will ever be.
Siena: Wow.
George: You find this interesting, don't you?
Siena: Yes. yes, I do. [they kiss]

David Puddy: So what do you think?
Elaine: What is that?
David Puddy: I painted my face.
Elaine: You painted your face?
David Puddy: Yeah.
Elaine: Why?
David Puddy: You know, support the team.
Elaine: Well, you can't walk around like that.
David Puddy: Why not?
Elaine: Because it's insane?
David Puddy: Hey, you gotta let them know you're out there. This is the playoffs.

[As several women weep at the funeral]
Elaine: You know I really hate my clothes.
Jerry: Hmm.
Elaine: I open up my closet, there's just nothing.
Jerry: Hmm.
Elaine: Nothing. I hate everything I have, I really hate it. [the weeping intensifies] I mean, at this point, it's like I can wear something three or four times and that's it.
Jerry: Hmm.
Elaine: It's getting to be a terrible problem for me.