David Puddy: All right, be careful with the car, babe.
Elaine: Yeah, yeah.
David Puddy: And don't move the seat, I got it right where I like it.
Elaine: Goodbye?
David Puddy: Two and ten, babe.
Elaine: Okay.
David Puddy: Don't peel out.
Elaine: I won't.
[Elaine peels the car out. When a religious song plays on the radio, Elaine switches the station but finds all the presets are set to religious radio stations.]
Elaine: Jesus?

Dr. Wexler: In your packet you will find the disease you have been assigned and the symptoms you will need to exhibit.
Mickey: Bacterial Meningitis. Jackpot!
Kramer: Gonorrhea? You wanna trade?
Mickey: Sorry, buddy. This is the "Hamlet" of diseases. Severe pain, nausea, delusions. It's got everything.
Kramer: How about you, do you wanna trade?
Artie: Sure.
Kramer: Okay, what do you got?
Artie: The surgeon left a sponge inside me.
Kramer: Good luck with that.

George: Hey, so, did you give that radio the old switcheroo?
Elaine: I did.
George: And the Christian rock?
Elaine: Resurrected! And look what I pried off of his bumper, a Jesus fish!
George: Jerry, do you have any fish sticks?
Jerry: No. So you're disappointed he's a spiritual person?
Elaine: Well yeah, I got him because he seemed so one-dimensional, I feel misled.
George: I think it's neat. You don't hear that much about God anymore.
Jerry: I hear things.

Jerry: Hey, so Sophie gave me the "It's me" on the phone today.
Elaine: "It's me?" Isn't it a little premature?
Jerry: I thought so.
Elaine: Hah. She's not a "me". I'm a "me".
George: I'm against all "it's me"s. So self-absorbed and egotistical, it's like those hip musicians with their complicated shoes!

Kramer: [enters] Well, I got gonorrhea.
Elaine: That seems about right.
Kramer: That's what they gave me.
George: They? The Government?
Jerry: No, no. He's pretending he's got gonorrhea so med students can diagnose it.
Kramer: And it's a waste of my talent. It's just a little burning.

Kramer: See, showmanship. Maybe that's what my gonorrhea is missing.
Jerry: Yes. Step into that spotlight and belt that gonorrhea out to the back row.
Kramer: Yes, yes I will! I'm gonna make people feel my gonorrhea, and feel the gonorrhea themselves.

George: All right, I'll tell you what you do. You call her back and give her the "it's me", heh? Pull the old switcheroo.
Jerry: I think that's a "what's good for the goose is good for the gander".
George: What the hell is a gander, anyway?
Jerry: It's a goose that's had the old switcheroo pulled on her.

George: You know what I think? I bet she stole a tractor.
Jerry: No one's stealing a tractor. It's a five-mile-an-hour getaway. We're dancing around the obvious. It's gotta be disfigurement.
George: Does she walk around holding a pen she never seems to need?
Jerry: No, she looks completely normal.
George: Oh. Okay, here it is, I got it. She lost her thumbs in a tractor accident and they grafted her big toes on. They do it every day.
Jerry: You think she's got toes for thumbs?
George: How's her handshake? A little firm, isn't it? Maybe a little too firm?
Jerry: I don't know.
George: Hands a little smelly?
Jerry: Why do I seek your counsel?

David Puddy: Elaine, they forgot to deliver your paper today. Why don't you just grab that one?
Elaine: But that belongs to Mr. Potato Guy, that's his.
David Puddy: Come on, get it.
Elaine: Well, if you want it, you get it.
David Puddy: Sorry, thou shalt not steal.
Elaine: Oh, but it's okay for me?
David Puddy: Oh, what do you care? You know where you're going.

Mickey: Oh, my liver! Why did I drink all those years? Why did I look for love in a bottle?
Dr. Wexler: Mr. Kramer? You're up.
[Kramer walks in with a face as yellow as Mickey's]
Mickey: Wait a minute. You are doing gonorrhea, aren't you?
Kramer: Yeah, well, we'll see.
Student #2: So, what seems to be bothering you today, Mr. Kramer?
Kramer: [pulls a liquor bottle out] Well, I guess it started about twenty years ago when I got back from Viet Nam, and this was the only friend I had left.
Mickey: Hey, that's my cirrhosis! He's stealing my cirrhosis! [charges at Kramer] You wanna be sick? I'll make you sick.
Student #2: Cirrhosis of the liver and PCP addiction?