Elaine: Anyway, tell us what's involved in being a godparent.
Jerry: [as Don Corleone] Elaine, never ask me about my business. [normally] Godfather?

George: I'll tell you something. I wish there were pig-men. You get a few pig-men walking around, suddenly I'm looking a lot better. If someone wanted to fix me up, they could say, "Hey, at least he's no pig-man."
Jerry: Believe me, there'd be plenty of women going for these pig-men. Whatever the deformity, there's always some group of perverts that's really attracted to it. "Ooh, that little tail really turns me on."

George: The administrator's on the third floor. I'll meet you at the car.
Kramer: Wait, George. You got room in the car for the pig-man, huh?
George: The pig-man can take the bus.
Kramer: George, if the pig-man had a car, he would give you a ride.
George: How do you know? What if the pig-man had a two-seater?
Kramer: Be realistic, George.
George: I'll tell you what, if pig-man shows up, we'll squeeze him in.

Mrs. Sweedler: It's been a very trying couple of days around the hospital. Doctors, patients, everyone, just grief-stricken over this unfortunate occurrence.
George: Well, I join them in their grief.
Mrs. Sweedler: Horrible thing. Flew right past the children's wing. All the sick children in the playroom,
looking out the window just traumatized by the incident. Apparently they thought he was flying. You know how children are. "Oh, look, a man is flying. A man is flying!" And then splat.
George: That's where I come in. On "splat." You see, Mrs. Sweedler... Or is it Hospital Administrator Sweedler?
Mrs. Sweedler: Mrs. Sweedler is fine.
George: Mrs. Sweedler. Thank you very much. You see, this tragedy has affected me in a very... A very personal way.
Mrs. Sweedler: How is that?
George: Yes, well, you see... the deceased... landed on my car. The splat, as it were, actually occurred on the roof of my car. Now, of course, I can't help but feel that... had it been a convertible, this whole tragedy might have been averted. But I've never really been the kind of guy to buy a convertible... what with the baldness and everything.
Mrs. Sweedler: Well, I have known bald men who owned convertibles. They wore a hat.
George: Yes, but then everything's all pulled down, and it's...

George: Anyway. The damage, unfortunately... has marred an otherwise fine automobile... rendering it virtually undrivable.
Mrs. Sweedler: Yes, well, that is a shame.
George: Yes. A shame. That is exactly how I would put it. Now, Mrs. Sweedler, with all due discretion and sensitivity... and taking in the whole scope of the situation... I just can't help but think... that the hospital is somehow responsible for compensating the other still-living victim of this horrendous, horrendous tragedy.
Mrs. Sweedler: Mr. Costanza.
George: Yes.
Mrs. Sweedler: A man plummeted tragically to his ultimate demise...
George: Yes.
Mrs. Sweedler: And you greedily, callously... want to profit from it?
George: Well, profit...? I think you'll see from the estimate that I'm not really profiting that much. It might be a little high, but...
Mrs. Sweedler: Get out. Get out now. Get out of my office!
George: Should I just leave..?
Mrs. Sweedler: Get out!

Kramer: Wait, excuse me. What happened to the guy that was in there before?
Doctor: I don't know what you're talking...
Kramer: No, you know. He had this: [pushes the tip of nose back] He was...
Doctor: No.
Kramer: This doesn't look familiar to you?
Doctor: Uh, sir...
Kramer: Look, I know what's going on. The oink, oink.
Doctor: Yes, if you'll excuse me, I have some patients...
Kramer: Now, listen to me, you little quack. There was a half man, half pig in that room over there. Now, where is he? Where is he?!
Doctor: Half what?
Kramer: You know what I mean! Pork. Sausage. "That's all, folks."
Doctor: I think he's been released.
Kramer: Good.

George: [on the phone] It's a '76 Chevy Impala. They stole it right in front of the hospital. I saw the guy drive off in it. Well, he's about 5 feet tall, hairless, pink complexion. Looks like a pig. Yeah, all right, thank you.

Stan: Then the baby's head comes out, and I'm screaming. My brother, who's videotaping,
turns green. His eyes roll up in his head, and he blacks out. He drops the camera, the camera breaks. And then the placenta comes flying out.
Elaine: Ooh.
Stan: And then a doctor says...
Jerry: Hey, thanks. That's enough.
Stan: Will you look at that kid. Sucking away. Sucking like there's no tomorrow. Suck, suck, suck.
Jerry: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Stan: Look at that, Jerry, look at that.
Jerry: Yeah, I looked. I saw it.

Stan: This doesn't make you uncomfortable, does it?
Jerry: No, no. Uncomfortable? Not at all. My friend's wife's breasts are sticking out. Why would I be uncomfortable?
Stan: Look at him.
Jerry: So how long do they do this?
Stan: Year or two.
Jerry: No break?
Stan: After that comes the weaning.
Jerry: So after the sucking comes the weaning?
Elaine: First the sucking, then the weaning.
Jerry: Well, you gotta wean.
Stan: Gotta wean.
Elaine: Must wean.

Stan: So anyway, Jerry, Elaine, we have something we wanna ask you.
George: You gotta look at this. I pulled it in perfectly equidistant from the car in front of me and behind me.
Jerry: Would you shut up, George?
Elaine: I'm taking a cab home. I can't take this anymore.