‘The Beard’
Season 6, Episode 16 - Aired February 9, 1995
After Elaine acts as a gay man's "beard", she tries to "convert" the man. Kramer sets the newly-coiffed George up with a woman. Meanwhile, Jerry's police officer girlfriend asks him to take a polygraph to prove whether or not he watches Melrose Place.
Quote from George
George: You only think that because you know me.
Jerry: Have you noticed people staring at your head?
George: I noticed people staring at my head because they like what they see.
Jerry: Well, I think you should either take it off or tell her about it.
Kramer: No, he's not going to take it off. If he was going to go over there bald, I never would have introduced him.
George: Look, I guarantee she won't know.
Quote from Kramer
Kramer: Hey, I'm really sorry about the other day. Really sorry. [drops something in the homeless man's cup]
Homeless man: Hey, that's my coffee!
Quote from Jerry
Elaine: Oh God, this tastes terrible.
Jerry: Did you shake it up?
Elaine: No.
Jerry: You gotta shake it up.
Elaine: No. I'm sick of shaking. You've got to shake everything.
[Jerry picks up the bottle and shakes it gently]
Jerry: Yeah, that's a real nuisance. This is killing me.
Quote from Elaine
Elaine: Oh, uh, wait a second. Would you like to come, upstairs?
Robert: Upstairs?
Elaine: Yeah. Upstairs?
Robert: Elaine.
Elaine: I was hoping, you know, you might be interested in changing teams?
Robert: Changing teams?
Elaine: Have you ever thought about it?
Robert: But I'm a starting shortstop.
Elaine: Robert, we need a shortstop.
Quote from Elaine
Elaine: Hey, I did it.
Jerry: What?
Elaine: I turned him. He defected.
Jerry: Get out! [pushes Elaine] How? How did you do that?
Elaine: Because I'm a woman. [swings her hips] Ba-ba-ba-boom-chicka-boom-chicka-boom-boom- boom.
Jerry: Elaine, do you know what you've done? You've give hope to every woman who's ever said "Too bad he's gay".
Elaine: Well, it's a lesson for the kids out there. Anything's possible. Jeromy, I have hit the jackpot. The perfect man. Nothing but sex and shopping.
Quote from Elaine
Kramer: Well, I'll tell you what I think. I think she saw you with that piece off and was devastated. You blew it boy. You really blew it. And you had to ruin it for him. Didn't you?
Elaine: I didn't ruin anything. He looked like an idiot. He did, and it made him act like a jerk.
Quote from Kramer
Kramer: Hey, how you doing, Stu? Eddie, my man. You again? Boy, you're a slippery one. You'd better straighten up and fly right, buddy boy.
[on the other side of the glass:]
Detective: What have you got?
Police Officer: I've got an eyewitness to that jewelry store break-in.
Detective: Come here. Do you recognize anybody in the lineup?
Homeless man: That's the guy officer. The guy there in the middle. The tall guy with the, with the high hair. I'd recognize him anywhere.
Detective: Hey, you. You with the high hair, step forward.
Kramer: Me?