Elaine: How come he's getting so smart? I stopped having sex with Ben three days ago and I don't know no Portuguese.
Jerry: Are you all right?
Elaine: I don't know. It's just the last couple of days my mind has been kind of, you know... not good.
Jerry: Wait a second, I know what's happening. The no sex thing is having a reverse effect on you.
Elaine: What? What are you talking about?
Jerry: To a woman, sex is like the garbage man. You just take for granted the fact that any time you put some trash out on the street, a guy in a jumpsuit's gonna come along and pick it up. But now, no sex, it's like a garbage strike. The bags are piling up in your head. The sidewalk is blocked. Nothing's getting through. You're stupid!
Elaine: I don't understand.
Jerry: Exactly.

Jackie Chiles: [on the phone] Oh, my vacation was restful, splendid, magnificent. In fact, next time I'm planning on going to Corfu.

Jackie Chiles: Did that cigarette warning label mention anything about damage to your appearance?
Kramer: No, it didn't say anything.
Jackie Chiles: So you're a victim. Now your face is sallow, unattractive, disgusting.
Kramer: So Jackie, do you think we gotta case?
Jackie Chiles: Your face is my case.

Kramer: Hey, buddy. How was Career Day?
Jerry: Ah, I didn't get on. The lizard guy went long.
George: You got bumped from Career Day?
Jerry: It was a mix-up, I'm sure.
Kramer: They're trying to screw with your head.
Jerry: Now, why would a junior high school want to screw with my head?
Kramer: Why does Radio Shack ask for your phone number when you buy batteries? I don't know.

Kramer: Hey, you should come over. Tonight's pipe night.
Jerry: What? What happened to your face? It looks like an old catcher's mitt.
Kramer: What? [looks at reflection on toaster] My face is all craggly. It's crinkly.
Jerry: It's from all that smoke. You've experienced a lifetime of smoking in 72 hours. What did you expect?
Kramer: Emphysema, birth defects, cancer. But not this. Jerry, my face is my livelihood! Everything I have I owe to this face. It's my allure. My twinkle!
Jerry: And your teeth, your teeth are all brown.
Kramer: Look away, I'm hideous.

Jerry: Six weeks?
George: Yeah, six weeks.
Jerry: Well, so what? You've gone six weeks before.
George: I can do six weeks standing on my head. I'm a sexual camel. That's not the point. At least there was the possibility.
Jerry: Well, so, are you gonna break up with her?
George: I don't know. I don't wanna be one of those guys.
Jerry: What guys?
George: Like us.

George: So it's just mono.
Elaine: Mono? Huh, well, if anyone needs any medical advise, Laney met a doctor. And he's unattached.
Jerry: I thought the whole dream of dating a doctor was debunked.
Elaine: No, it's not debunked. It's totally bunk.
Jerry: Isn't bunk bad? Like, "That's a lot of bunk".
George: No, something is bunk and then you debunk it.
Jerry: What?
Elaine: Huh?
George: I think.
Elaine: Look it, I'm dating a doctor and I like it. Let's just move on.

George: What is Tungsten? Or Wolfram.
Alex Trebek: [on TV] We were looking for 'What is Tungsten? Or Wolfram.'.
Jerry: Is this a repeat?
George: No, no, no. Just lately, I've been thinking a lot clearer. Like this afternoon... "What is chicken Kiev?" ... I really enjoyed watching a documentary with Louise.
Jerry: Louise! That's what's doing it. You're no longer preoccupied with sex, so your mind is able to focus.
George: You think?
Jerry: Yeah. I mean, let's say this is your brain. [holds lettuce head] Okay, from what I know about you, your brain consists of two parts: the intellect, represented here [plucks tiny piece], and the part obsessed with sex. Now granted, you have extracted an astonishing amount from this little scrap. But with no-sex-Louise, this previously useless lump, is now functioning for the first time in its existence. [eats the tiny piece]
George: Oh my God. I just remembered where I left my retainer in second grade. I'll see you later.

Kramer: Need some more matches.
Jerry: What is going on in there?
Kramer: I met some people smoking on the street, so I invited them up to my apartment to smoke.
Jerry: Why?
Kramer: Well, somebody had to. You know, just because a person's a smoker, that doesn't mean he's not a human being.
Jerry: It doesn't?
Kramer: Jerry, these people aren't just going to let themselves be flicked into the ashbin of society.
Jerry: Why not?
Kramer: Well, you can confine them, you can punish them, you can cram them into the corner, but they're not going away, Jerry.

Jerry: So what did you do?
George: I told her I would have to think about it.
Jerry: But ultimately, you're gonna choose in favor of sex, right?
George: I don't know. Perhaps I can better serve the world this way.
Jerry: You mean, not subjecting women to your sexual advances.
George: Simple joke from a simple man.
Jerry: So you're never gonna have sex again?
George: Well, Jerry. There was a pretty good chance I was never gonna have sex again anyway.