J.D.: [v.o.] Now that Dr. Cox was the Chief of Medicine, I had become the guy everyone counted on to fight for the things the hospital needed. Yep, I was the one person who would get him to say...
Dr. Cox: No.
J.D.: You need to hire a few more nurses.
Dr. Cox: Look, Tammy. We don't have the money. If you want to go out and raise the cash yourself, feel free. Maybe you could sell your eggs to a fertility clinic, or sell that beard of yours to the Ridiculous Museum. Better yet, you could make a list of all the people you drive insane and tell them that for a nominal fee, you'll never speak to them again. You, of course, offer them a monthly subscription at a reduced rate, just to reel them in. And then after a while of you not talking to them, people will forget just how annoying you are and they'll let their subscription run out. And, bang! That's when you show up at their house, and you drive them insane all over again by speaking to them. And here's the kicker. When everyone's trying to re-subscribe, you lay it on them that the price is now quadruple. And I'm predicting, and this is a low-end guesstimate, you're looking at about $100,000,000 a quarter, easy. You give the hospital a hundred thou, we hire a few nurses. But, until then, you go tell Carla it ain't happening.
J.D.: Wow. That was super fun.
Dr. Cox: Get out!

J.D.: [v.o.] Plus, with my new role, people were treating me with a new found respect.
Janitor: I don't like how you're trying to make people treat you with a new found sense of respect.
J.D.: I'm not making people do anything.
Janitor: How else do you explain it? Did you hypnotize them? Are you trying to hypnotize me? 'cause that's not gonna work. I'm already hypnotized. Fifteen years ago, I'm in Vegas, I volunteer to be part of this guy's act. Half way through the show, fire alarm goes off and I never get snapped out. There's some word out there floating around like an on/off switch for me that if I ever hear it, I'll just go completely unconscious.
J.D.: Is it "sassafras"?
Janitor: It is "sassafras", you're right. It's amazing, of all the words in the English language-
J.D.: Boondoggle. [the Janitor drops his head] Yes! That was it?
Janitor: You're such an ass. Here's your warning. If you start walking around here like you're the big cheese, I'm gonna have to punish you, okay?

Denise: [v.o.] Still, Dr. Reid has been super-supportive. Toss her a compliment as a thank you.
Denise: Even though that dress is totally inappropriate for a doctor, you are so rocking it.
Elliot: That's awesome because I actually have a policy that if I don't get three compliments the first time I wear it, I have to return it. Now, I've got you, J.D. He said this morning that I looked "scrumpdelicious". Yeah, he actually does talk like that. The meth addict from this morning said he want to eat my eyeballs, which I'm counting because the dress really make them pop.

Janitor: Relax people. Remote control. A patient once complained that his room wasn't clean, so I stole the motor from his wheelchair. What are you guys doing?
Howie: I'm using a mint.
Janitor: Those aren't mints. Those are highly concentrated mini urinal cakes. Patent pending.
Howie: They're good.
Janitor: Not a huge selling point for urinal cakes, but thank you. Say, glasses. Who told you you could touch my cart?

[Sunny throws a tomato from Denise's tray at the Janitor]
Katie: The hell are you doing?
Sunny: He won't do anything to me. He thinks I'm too weak.
Janitor: You know, you shouldn't throw produce, it's very dangerous. I had a cousin that was killed by a head of lettuce. It's a true story. Well, actually not the head of lettuce so much as the pack of sewer rabbits that he stole it from.

Turk: Alright, guys. I'm gonna introduce you to a new intern now. This is Derek Hill.
Todd: "Welcome to the team" five.
Turk: [to Derek] Always use your non-cutting hand.
Derek: [groans]
Turk: Told you. Guys, if I could have a second to-
Todd: Hey, hey! "Quiet down" five.
Turk: Thank you, Todd.

Turk: I am so mad at you.
J.D.: [v.o.] He must have found out I tracked down the testicle he had removed and turned it to a tiny disco ball. Wait a second. You dreamed that, you're fine.

Turk: Listen to me.You are the man around here now. You gotta get your strut on. You know what I'm saying?
[fantasy: J.D. and Turk enter the hospital dressed like pimps:]
Turk: Haven't you had this fantasy before?
J.D.: Yeah. Except I've been working out. So this time, I get to be shirtless.
Turk: What's that?
J.D.: What's what?
Turk: Did you make a disco ball out of my testicle?
J.D.: [slapping his face] Get out of the fantasy! Get out of the fantasy!
Turk: Hell no! [strangles J.D.]
[reality:]
J.D.: [v.o.] That was close.
Turk: Get your strut on!

Janitor: Behold, King Cheese. I warned you about this. And now, my liege, I'm afraid it's time for your punishment.
J.D.: Let me just put down my popsicle. [the Janitor drops his head] Fifteen years and no one said "popsicle"?
Janitor: [lifts his head] Okay. Let's do this.
J.D.: Popsicle. [the Janitor drops his head] Popsicle.
Janitor: [lifts his head] I had the craziest dream.
J.D.: Popsicle. [the Janitor drops his head]
Janitor: I can believe he's buying this. It's gonna be a fun day.

J.D.: [v.o.] It's been so long since I was an intern. I wonder what they're thinking.
Katie: [v.o.] Notice me. Notice me. Notice me. Notice me. Notice me. Notice me. Notice me!
Howie: [v.o.] 'Cause I'm gonna hit that. Oh, yeah.
Denise: [v.o.] Time to start yet another day in the suckhole of all suckholes.
Sunny: [v.o.] I'm in such a good mood. I think I'll do a little dance.
J.D.: Oh, Derek, what did you think of your first John Dorian presentation as it were?
Derek: I imagine it's what people felt like the first time they heard Dr. King speak.
Derek: [v.o.] What are you doing? That wise ass crap always get you in trouble. Just keep your mouth shut.