J.D. Quote #1574
Quote from J.D. in My Manhood
J.D.: Well, where is it? Did you at least keep it?
Turk: Why would I keep my testicle?
[fantasy: J.D. and Turk have a dug a whole in the ground:]
J.D.: These conditions are perfect. [they drop the testicle and cover it with dirt]
[months later, a naked version of Turk, with a leaf covering his privates, has sprouted from the ground]
J.D.: He's beautiful.
Turk: Oh, my God. This is totally awesome. Can you go pick up Carla's dry cleaning so I can play basketball?
Plant Turk: [mumbles]
Turk: It can't talk. What the hell am I gonna do with that?
J.D.: Stop, Turk. You're making him cry. It's okay, Plant Turk. Friends.
Plant Turk: [mumbles "friend"]
J.D.: See? He's learning.
[Plant Turk grabs J.D.]
J.D.: Get the clippers! Get the clippers!
Turk: Let him go! Let him go!
[reality:]
J.D.: We have to find your ball, Turk. We have to find it and destroy it.
Turk: You don't realize that Carla and Elliot left, do you?
Features in the collection: J.D.'s Best Fantasies.
Scrubs Quotes
‘J.D.'s Best Fantasies’
Quote from J.D. in My Quarantine
Kylie: So, uh, what's wrong with this guy?
J.D.: Well, let's see. Fatigue, fever, malaise. Have you been to Hong Kong, sir?
Man: Yeah.
J.D.: [v.o.] And then I said something stupid.
J.D.: Could be SARS.
J.D.: [v.o.] I forgot that if any doctor suspects SARS, it's cause for immediate quarantine lockdown.
[fantasy: Indiana Jones theme plays as sirens blare and doors shutter across the I.C.U. Jordan, now wearing a fedora, dives under the shutter as it closes]
Dr. Cox: What have you done, Newbie?
Danni: [holding a flask] Quarantinis, anyone?
Quote from J.D. in My Words of Wisdom
J.D.: [v.o.] As for me, I couldn't help but imagine what my own funeral would be like.
[fantasy:]
Choir: [singing] My girl wants to party all the time Party all the time
Minister: Yeah! And as you know, J.D. only had two requests. And that is that the choir sing the song that would remind us of how much he loved to party and that he could get one last hug from each of you.
[J.D.'s casket is stood vertically and his arms are spread out]
Elliot: You are the only one I've never faked it with.
Keith: It's true.
Dr. Cox: Hell, I love you, Newbie. I should have done this a long time ago. [hugs J.D.]
J.D.: I knew you loved me. I just had to fake my own death to prove it. He loves me everyone. Can I get an Amen?
All: Amen!
J.D.: Whoo, got him good! [Dr. Cox breaks J.D.'s neck] Worth it.
[reality:]
J.D.: And then we'd have my real funeral.
Dr. Kelso: Are you an idiot?
J.D.: No, sir, I'm a dreamer.
‘My Manhood’ Quotes
Quote from Elliot
Elliot: I'm so sorry that they're forcing you out. I feel horrible.
Dr. Kelso: Aw, sweetheart, you should. It's your fault.
Elliot: Look, I'll talk to the Board. I am so great at changing people's minds. My best friend in college thought he was gay, but I totally convinced him that he was into women. After that, he had a ton of girlfriends. Until senior year when he hung himself.
Dr. Kelso: Why is it that so many of your stories end with, "And then he hung himself"?
Elliot: Bad luck, I guess.
Quote from Doug
J.D.: [v.o.] After putting a beat down on Turk, the last thing I wanted to do was be lame and hide in a supply closet.
[Turk laughs as he opens the supply closet, only to find it's empty]
J.D.: [v.o.] That's why I chose down here.
J.D.: Why are you here?
Doug: After all these years of putting on toe tags, I sort of developed a foot fetish. And you get tired of looking at dead ones, you know?
J.D.: No, Doug, I don't.
Quote from Elliot
Carla: It's too bad we can't just call John's brothers and tell them that he needs them.
Elliot: I know. Stupid doctor-patient confidentiality. It's like wearing a muzzle. Like last month, one of my patients asks out Nurse Rollins, and I couldn't even warn her that I'm treating the guy for a horrible case of mono. Now she has it and her grandfather has it. I don't know, she wouldn't say.