Kylie: So, uh, what's wrong with this guy?
J.D.: Well, let's see. Fatigue, fever, malaise. Have you been to Hong Kong, sir?
Man: Yeah.
J.D.: [v.o.] And then I said something stupid.
J.D.: Could be SARS.
J.D.: [v.o.] I forgot that if any doctor suspects SARS, it's cause for immediate quarantine lockdown.
[fantasy: Indiana Jones theme plays as sirens blare and doors shutter across the I.C.U. Jordan, now wearing a fedora, dives under the shutter as it closes]
Dr. Cox: What have you done, Newbie?
Danni: [holding a flask] Quarantinis, anyone?

J.D.: [v.o.] As for me, I couldn't help but imagine what my own funeral would be like.
[fantasy:]
Choir: [singing] My girl wants to party all the time Party all the time
Minister: Yeah! And as you know, J.D. only had two requests. And that is that the choir sing the song that would remind us of how much he loved to party and that he could get one last hug from each of you.
[J.D.'s casket is stood vertically and his arms are spread out]
Elliot: You are the only one I've never faked it with.
Keith: It's true.
Dr. Cox: Hell, I love you, Newbie. I should have done this a long time ago. [hugs J.D.]
J.D.: I knew you loved me. I just had to fake my own death to prove it. He loves me everyone. Can I get an Amen?
All: Amen!
J.D.: Whoo, got him good! [Dr. Cox breaks J.D.'s neck] Worth it.
[reality:]
J.D.: And then we'd have my real funeral.
Dr. Kelso: Are you an idiot?
J.D.: No, sir, I'm a dreamer.

Elliot: Every time I turn around, Kelso's there. Ted, he's trying to break my spirit. I mean, do you have any idea what that feels like? [Ted points to his face] I'm sorry. Of course you do.
Ted: Dr. Reid, I'm afraid that nothing you've described constitutes harassment.
Dr. Kelso: Swing and a miss, eh, Dr. Reid? Well, the next time you decide to make a stink over nothing, maybe you should see a lawyer who didn't need five tries to pass the bar exam.
Ted: I have stress-induced dyslexia and you know that, Dr. Oslek.

Dr. Cox: Hey, Betty, Wilma. What the hell? You're only 40 minutes late. Do I smell beer?
J.D.: Oh, we had a few.
Dr. Cox: Newsflash: you can't drink and then come to work. You're not airline pilots.
J.D.: Look, Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: No, you look. If someone had asked me just this morning, is there any way that I could have any less respect for you two geniuses, I would have said, "No, no, that's not possible". But lo and behold, you pulled it off. Congratulations. The only problem is I'm fresh out of blue ribbons, so instead you're going to have to settle for a lifetime supply of my foot up your ass. Now, go home. You're not fit to work tonight.

Janitor: I make more than you do.
J.D.: What?
Janitor: I saw your paycheck and I've been dying to tell you, I make more than you do. Quite a bit more.
J.D.: You couldn't have seen my paycheck.
Janitor: Right. Because there's no way I could access the personnel files. [holds up keys] Just impossible. By the way, 987654320.
J.D.: That's my Social Security number.
Janitor: No. That's your PIN number.
J.D.: No, my PIN number is 3674.
Janitor: Bingo.