J.D.: Hey, Perry, don't you want to see where you're ranked?
Dr. Cox: I'm quite sure I'm last and I could not care less.
J.D.: Don't feel bad, Perry. Maybe you can go find some solace In one of your gym workouts.
Dr. Cox: Maybe. [flicks J.D.'s ear]
J.D.: Ow! I don't know how, but that knocked the wind out of me.

J.D.: You know, Perry, you might want to watch a video called "Boundaries", especially the section on roughhousing.
Dr. Cox: Suck it up, Mary Lou.
J.D.: You cannot get under my skin today, not with reviews like these.
Dr. Cox: Wow. Oh, wrong. Really wrong. And what is this?
J.D.: What is what?
Dr. Cox: "Needy", "desperate", "light on medical knowledge, heavy on Broadway trivia".
J.D.: He wrote that I don't care about teaching and I just want people to like me. I'm a fool.
Dr. Cox: I know. It's beautiful. God, I wish these things weren't anonymous. I'd like to take this student out and buy him a steak. He nailed it. All the best.

J.D.: Turk, am I needy?
Turk: No.
J.D.: Tell me a hundred times.

Lucy: Thanks for letting me practice on you, Dr. D. I don't know why I'm having such a hard time with this procedure.
J.D.: How could anybody hate me? I'm literally bleeding for you guys. Ow! That's a muscle. Aim for the blue lines.
Lucy: Sorry. I don't know why I can't get this.
J.D.: I used to have a problem with the same thing, but then I realized you just gotta pretend the needle's your friend. Be careful, though. I told that to a med student once, and he became a heroin addict. But just pretend the needle's your buddy and you two are doing something you love to do.
Lucy: Like roller-skating?
J.D.: I would have said ice dancing, but to each their own.

Lucy: Dr.D., thanks for always helping me through the tough stuff.
J.D.: That's okay. Maybe you should practice on, like, a student partner or something. Preferably someone who can't feel pain.
Turk: Ooh, like the Incredible Hulk.
J.D.: The hulk can feel pain, Turk. Also, lasers hurt him.

Turk: Dude, I hope you paged me 'cause you came to your senses and realized that we need to do one last eagle.
J.D.: Eagles are played-out, Turk.
Turk: How dare you.
J.D.: You and I are gonna find the kid that torched me. You said you wanted to do something this last week. This is gonna be fun. We'll be like the interracial hardy boys.
[fantasy: J.D. and Turk are like the Hardy Boys:]
Turk: Look. A clue. A piece of old man Peterson's overalls.
J.D.: That means he's the phantom of cat scan island. Dad's gonna be so proud of us, black adopted brother.
[reality:]
Turk: All right, I'm in. But you're buying me a magnifying glass.

Sunny: Denise, is this Drew? You said he was handsome, but wow!
Drew: What's happening?
Sunny: I can't believe Denise found that special someone. When I first met her, I thought, "This woman is probably going to die alone", but here she is and here you are and here I am to ask you guys if you'd like to go on a double date with me and Keyshawn.
Denise: I guess.
Sunny: Yes!
Drew: We're not doing that.
Denise: Of course not. I was gonna say yes, then call her at the last minute, tell her I'm sick, then change my cell phone number. Yeah, I owe her that. She is my closest female friend.

J.D.: [v.o.] Turk and I were hard at work trying to solve the mystery of the feelings hurter.
J.D.: Now do you see how the R's in this evaluation form are the same as in this test from three months ago?
Turk: Dude, I totally see it.
J.D.: Hello, Barry Friedman.
Turk: Hacking into the med school files right now.
J.D.: You can hack?
Turk: No, I have a password. It just sounded cooler. We're in.
J.D.: Tell me a story, Turk.
Turk: Barry Friedman lives in the east dorms.
J.D.: Okay, buckle up, Barr. We're coming for you. Which way is east?

Dr. Cox: How beautifully ironic that the queen of sensible slacks Is not even wearing the pants in her very own relationship.
Denise: What are you talking about?
Dr. Cox: Now I saw how fast Drew put the kibosh on that double-dating idea. Missy, you realize you're shoulder-deep in that inevitable turf war that defines modern coupledom. And, psst, he Is winning. And make no mistake about it, early victories are ha--huge. In our first month dating, Jordan made me give up tomatoes, speaking to my mother and my ponytail. Honest to god, I can still feel it some mornings.
Denise: That's not the way it is with Drew and me.
Dr. Cox: I see your point. Because you are so very different from every other couple In the history of doomed relationships. Note to self, they're different.

Denise: We're going to dinner with Sunny and Keyshawn.
Drew: I thought you didn't want to go.
Denise: Well, now I do. Wear your black shirt and dial the hair gel back. You're not doing the weather on Channel 7.