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My Unicorn

‘My Unicorn’

Season 4, Episode 11 - Aired November 23, 2004

J.D. gets overly involved when his patient, Mr. Marks (guest star John Bennett Perry), needs a kidney from his estranged son, Murray (guest star Matthew Perry). After Carla and Jordan encourage Elliot to use her feminine wiles to get things done in the hospital, they have to clean up the mess when Elliot inadvertently angers the man she's interviewing with.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: All right, fine, what do you think Gregory's doing right now?
Murray: Probably playing his stupid guitar.
[meanwhile, Mr. Marks is talking to Dr. Cox as he strums his guitar:]
Mr. Marks: Ah, so maybe I wasn't the perfect dad. I mean, there were the occasional missed baseball games. And the taking of his college sweetheart to the Bahamas for two weeks without telling him. But I still don't see why he resents me this much.
Dr. Cox: Boy, tell me about it. You know, I got this kid who constantly ignores my advice, and then flashes me the sad doe eyes every time I call him a girl's name or scream in his face.
Mr. Marks: Do you wanna sing about him?
Dr. Cox: No. Not ever.

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Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: Sometimes Dr. Cox is all over me, like every second of my life.
Murray: Why do you keep talking about your boss like he's your father?
J.D.: Remember? Recently deceased dad?
Murray: Massive heart attack.
J.D.: Yes! I mean, yes.
[meanwhile:]
Dr. Cox: You do know he's not yours, don't you?
Mr. Marks: I figured it out. Mostly because his mother was eight months pregnant when I met her. But there were other signs.
Dr. Cox: 'course.
Mr. Marks: But his real dad was such a jerk we just decided not to tell him. A boy needs a father who loves him, you know?
Dr. Cox: Yeah.

Quote from Turk

Carla: Elliot, what are you doing here?
Elliot: My interviewer called my cell phone. He has been waiting to talk to me.
Jordan: What the hell?
Turk: Woman, I was covered in bees!

Quote from Turk

Turk: Ladies, I think we've learned our lesson.
Jordan: That is not helpful, Turkleton!
Turk: I was covered in bees!

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] As for me, maybe I got too involved with Murray and his fake real dad. But as I watched Gregory serenade a clearly uncomfortable Murray, I realized something. If Murray could look past his dad's imperfections and appreciate all the time he'd given him, maybe I owe Dr. Cox a thank-you for the same thing.
J.D.: Hey. I just wanted to take a second to thank you for constantly berating me, doubting my abilities, and the overall devastation of my self-esteem.
Dr. Cox: My pleasure.
J.D.: Now wrap it all up with a slow motion hand wave.
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, I'm slow, baby.

Quote from J.D.

Murray: I'm not quite sure I'm getting this.
J.D.: Ah. What's not to get? Look, Dr. Cox told me not to get involved, I defied him, and now, with your help, I'm gonna rub it in his face, okay? Now for the last time, the song goes like this: [sings] "You were wrong! I found his son, I found his son, I found his son!" And then you jump out and go, "That's me!"
Murray: Yeah, but- Okay, but wouldn't it be funnier if I came on the second "I found his son," just to get to it?
J.D.: Yeah, that would be a whole lot funnier. But I have a question: Who's gonna be singing the "I found his son" song? Because it certainly won't be me! Okay? Here he comes. Dr. Cox? You were wrong! I found his son, I found his son, I f-
Murray: That's meeee! Too early?
J.D.: We rehearsed this!
Murray: We were on your scooter.

Quote from Turk

Turk: No. You will not turn Elliot into some flirtatious manipulator. I mean, don't get me wrong, outside the hospital, Elliot with her hair up is a slammin' hottie. But in here she's an asexual mess. And that's the natural order of things. And you don't mess with the natural order!

Quote from Elliot

Carla: You won't have to compromise yourself. It's all about subtlety. It'sa lingering smile, a chuckle at a bad joke, a look in your eye that says, "If you do what I want maybe something will happen between us, even though you know it never will."
[later:]
Elliot: Franklyn, if you analyze this urine sample right now, then maybe I'll have sex with you, but probably not.
Carla: So close.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Alright, what's the problem with your dad?
Murray: Well, for starters, he named me "Murray." That's an old man's name.
J.D.: Oh, come on, no it isn't.
Murray: Murray!
[Nine elderly-men appear from their hospital rooms]
All: What?
Murray: Everything my father's ever done was designed to humiliate me.
J.D.: Murray!
All: What?
Murray: What?
J.D.: No, the youngest Murray.
Man: I'm sixty-eight.
Murray: Thirty-four!

Quote from J.D.

Murray: You don't know what it was like having him as a father. He had me in his shadows my whole life. He actually sang at my senior prom. My date threw her panties on the stage first and last time I saw them, by the way. Whenever I'm around the guy I'm invisible. Oh, come on, you're exaggerating.
[Mr. Marks is singing "Hey Good Lookin'" and playing the guitar]
Murray: See what I mean?
J.D.: Ssh, I love this song.

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