‘My Five Stages’
Season 5, Episode 13 - Aired July 1, 2006
With their favorite patient, Mrs. Wilk, close to death, Dr. Cox and J.D. are annoyed by the hospital grief counselor (guest star Dave Foley) as they go through the five stages of grief. Meanwhile, Elliot realizes her relationship with Keith has become more than a booty call, and the Janitor helps Ted when he finally has some leverage over Dr. Kelso.
Quote from Turk
Turk: [talking for Keith] Hey, how you doing, Claire?
Elliot: Did you just call me Claire?
Keith: No, I would never call you-
Carla: Oh, snap! Elliot!
Keith: That didn't even sound like me.
Turk: I know. They hear what they want to hear. They hear what they want to hear.
Quote from Dr. Cox
Dr. Cox: I'll tell you what, I'd do anything if it meant she'd pull through this.
J.D.: Me too.
Dr. Hendrick: Hey, that sounds like bargaining. That's the third stage. Oh, and by the way, I wasn't hiding there so I could pop up and say that. I was plugging in my iPod. Oh, hang on.
Dr. Cox: [grumbles]
Quote from Dr. Kelso
J.D.: [v.o.] We weren't the only ones at the bargaining stage.
[Dr. Kelso puts a granite bust of Ted on his desk.]
Ted: Oh!
[Dr. Kelso adds a hairpiece to the bust]
Ted: Oh!
Dr. Kelso: Now, let's talk, Ted. Just you and me. No lawyers.
Quote from J.D.
Dr. Cox: Should be any minute now.
J.D.: [v.o.] We'd been there before when someone died, but this felt different. [flatlines]
J.D.: She's gone.
J.D.: [v.o.] We were definitely in the depression stage. And bless Hedrick, he didn't say it. All he said was...
Dr. Hendrick: She was lucky to have you two as doctors.
Quote from Janitor
J.D.: [v.o.] Letting go is never easy. Whether it's letting go of the leverage you had over your boss.
Janitor: Sir, I would like the word "maintenance" on my uni written out in tiny light bulbs. That way, when I'm on a break, I can turn it off like a taxi.
Dr. Kelso: Your friend settled. It's over.
Ted: I got seven Sunday afternoons off a year. Yay!
Quote from Dr. Cox
J.D.: [v.o.] But there's nothing more difficult than letting go of someone you cared about.
Dr. Cox: She was a great old gal.
J.D.: She was.
Dr. Hendrick: Hey! Acceptance!
[As Dr. Kelso drives by, he hits Dr. Hendrick's bike and drags it away]
Dr. Kelso: Damn bikes!
Dr. Cox: Boy, sometimes you've just got to love Kelso.