Dr. Cox: What do you want?
J.D.: As co-chief resident, I've noticed that some of my residents are a little overwhelmed. And I think it would be nice if you gave 'em one of your patented pep-talks, you know?
Dr. Cox: I'll be more than glad to give your residents a little pep-talk.
[later:]
Dr. Cox: Each and every one of you is going to kill a patient. At some point during your residency, you will screw up, they will die, and it will be burned into your conscience forever. Hell, take pee-pants, here.
Doug: "Pee-pants."
Dr. Cox: He just might go ahead and get himself a good clean kill this morning, seeing as his patient, Miss Samson, is in DKA and he hasn't been tracking her phosphate level. Her phosphate level. Her phosphate level.
J.D.: Doug, stop writing and go!
Dr. Cox: That young man has killed so many patients, I'm starting to think he just might be a government operative. The point is, the harder you study, the longer you just might be able to hold off that first kill. Other than that, I guess cross your fingers and hope that the guy you murder is a jackass with no family. Great to see you kids. All the best!

J.D.: Mr. Daniels, some fluid has gathered near your heart, so I'm gonna schedule a periocardiocentesis and drain it with a needle.
Mr. Daniels: Someone's gonna stick a needle in my chest?
J.D.: Not just someone. Dr. de Man.
Mr. Daniels: Who is Dr. de Man?
J.D.: Say it say it without the "Dr."
Mr. Daniels: Who's Mr. de Man?
J.D.: No, just say the-the last name.
Mr. Daniels: Who's de Man?
J.D.: I'm de Man! That was awesome! That was fun doing that with you.

J.D.: [v.o.] It's strange. Even though a lot of patients have died under my care, I don't think I've killed any of them...
[fantasy: J.D. is in a heavenly diner:]
J.D.: Heaven's a diner?
Mrs. Tanner: Get anything you want, dear.
J.D.: Ooh. Maybe I'll have some flapjacks.
Elaine: They don't have those.
J.D.: No flapjacks in heaven? Are flapjacks evil? D-d-don't worry about it. Listen, dead people, do any of you feel that I may have, you know killed you?
Mr. Bursky: No.
Mr. Simon: I mean, you weren't a great doctor.
Elaine: He was nervous.
Mrs. Tanner: Oh, like a little bird. But no, dear. You didn't kill any of us.
J.D.: You know what? I left my wallet back on earth.
[reality:]
J.D.: Haha, suckers.

Janitor: I can clean it for you.
Carla: Why would you do that?
Janitor: I don't know. Still a little drunk from breakfast. Plus, taxidermy used to be kind a hobby of mine. You know, till the state took my license away.
Carla: How come?
Ted: What happened to all the cute little squirrels, Flo?
[flashback: The Janitor addresses an audience of stuffed squirrels in his garage:]
Janitor: Let's call this meeting to order. Uh, first things first, I counted the ballots, and, uh, someone voted twice. Interesting. I'm not pointing fingers, Troy.
[reality:]
Janitor: There were never any squirrels.

J.D.: [v.o.] I know I bailed on Mr. Daniels, but the whole having not killed thing got in my head. Still, no one will notice.
Dr. Cox: Ah, Kiki Dee! I heard Mr. Daniels isn't getting his periocardiocentesis. Since when?
J.D.: [v.o.] Now you're gonna lie here. Don't be too specific!
J.D.: Since 1:42 yesterday afternoon. His wife did not want him to do it. She's beautiful, by the way. One green eye, one blue. She's from Luxembourg. They're both from Luxembourg. I believe they're, uh, Luxem... bourgian.
Dr. Cox: Where in Luxembourg? I-I spent two weeks there.
J.D.: [v.o.] What are the odds? Just stay vague.
J.D.: Uh, outside Mertert, near the German border. They say what they miss most are those lazy summer afternoons on the Moselle River.
J.D.: [v.o.] You are channeling that seventh grade book report!

J.D.: Do you know that Dr. Cox is trying to convince me that everyone eventually kills a patient? But I haven't. I know you haven't.
Turk: Hell yeah, I have. Remember my first year? Mr. Quinn? I forgot to write the order for his albumin drip and he hemorrhaged and died. You want your doughnut?
J.D.: [v.o.] And it turned out Turk wasn't the only one.
[montage:]
Elliot: Mmm, Mrs. Kahn, my second year.
Doug: Uh, Mrs. Studebaker, forty minutes into my first day.
Dr. Kelso: I've been a doctor for thirty years. What do you think?
Doug: On my third day, there was Mr. Kirshnar.
Todd: Jenny Roth, about eight weeks ago. It was really tough, because she was hot.
Doug: And then later that third day- [beeping] Oh, boy, that can't be good.
Dr. Cox: No, Newbie, I have not killed. But I happen to be, as always, the exception that proves the rule. So, right about now, you gotta be asking yourself, do you think you're that good?
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh my God. I'm gonna kill someone.

J.D.: [v.o.] Killing Mrs. Carter, though admittedly bad for her, was just the pick-me-up I needed.
Mrs. Carter: I don't know how my car ended up in the community pool.
Nurse Roberts: You musta lost control after you went through the snack bar.
J.D.: [v.o.] Mrs. Carter?
Dr. Cox: Ooh, did I trick Newbie? I did, didn't I. And now of course he has to live in fear of when he will kill. When, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when?
J.D.: You know what, I don't appreciate lying.
Dr. Cox: Come on. I know you're scared. A lot of times you feel like a little girl in a big gal's body. But here's the dirty little secret: Fear is good. It keeps you from becoming a crappy doctor. Trick is you just can't let it paralyze you. But don't you worry about a thing, there, Newbie. You're a sure thing to get a kill. In fact, should be any day now.

J.D.: Ooh, Dr. Cox, can I ask you something?
Dr. Cox: The answer is yes, it was me who saw you doing leg lifts in the gym on that inflatable ball. It was quite the display of girl power. Absolutely loved the leg warmers.
J.D.: First of all, they were just big socks, okay? And secondly, if you need to do some laundry, here's the washboard, right?

Turk: Wow, isn't that a shocker, you don't care about something that's important to me. You know what? Why don't you just throw him out?
J.D.: Don't listen to him! He's drunk on cheese!
Turk: And don't think Rowdy doesn't know what's going on here.
Carla: What's he gonna do?
[fantasy: Rowdy comes to life and attacks Carla]
J.D.: Easy, boy. She ain't worth it.

J.D.: So, Mrs. Carter, it turns out your fever was just a reaction to the anesthetic we gave you during your cataract surgery. I'm sending you home.
Mrs. Carter: Can I drive my trans-am?
J.D.: That's not up to me, Mrs. Carter. It's up to the police and the owner of those horses you killed.
Mrs. Carter: Oh, they were everywhere!
J.D.: You were on a race-track, Mrs. Carter.