‘My Drive-By’
Season 4, Episode 24 - Aired April 26, 2005
After Turk saves a man from choking at a taco stand, Dr. Cox is surprised he doesn't want the glory of people knowing what he did. Elliot doesn't want to sleep with Jake too soon in their relationship, so she calls in J.D. as a third wheel. Meanwhile, Dr. Kelso terrorizes the hospital on a motorized wheelchair, landing him on the wrong side of the Janitor.
Quote from Elliot
Elliot: I'm giving up on men.
Carla: Just call him.
Elliot: You can't make me.
J.D.: Well, unfortunately for you, I happen to know that the guy you're dating is always under speed dial number one. [dials speed dial #1]
Man: [on phone] Constipation hotline.
J.D.: Two is your current boyfriend. [dials speed dial #2]
Jake: [on the phone] Hello?
Elliot: Frick!
Quote from Elliot
Elliot: [on the phone] Listen, Jake. Look, it's not that I'm never going to have sex with you. I'm going to, and believe me, when I am on top with my eyes closed and screaming, you're gonna be happy you waited.
Jake: Okay, I'm gonna go ahead and take you off speaker phone. Hi.
Quote from Elliot
Jake: Elliot, please. Look, everybody has their stuff. Like me. I'm an emotional person but I've always had trouble expressing it. Here, tell me- Tell me you like my shirt.
Elliot: I like your shirt.
Jake: Cool. Okay, now tell me my childhood dog Buster was never put down, and we're gonna be reunited this weekend. You can paraphrase.
Elliot: Uh, buster's coming home.
Jake: Cool. See? You see, there's no difference, and Buster meant the world to me. I really like you, Elliot, but I'm an adult. I want this to be an adult relationship. If you want to be patient and not have sex right away, then that's fine because I think we have a chance for something great, too.
Elliot: I want you so bad right now.
Jake: Cool. [they kiss]
J.D.: Guess I should get goin'.
Quote from Janitor
Janitor: You paged me in the middle of a busy day. This better be important.
Dr. Kelso: What were you doing?
Janitor: Sleeping in a mop closet.
Dr. Kelso: You forced me to do this. Either we figure out a way to share the Rascal or neither one of us gets it. It's your move. You've got about eight seconds before this thing becomes a pile of rubble. Come on. This is gonna hurt you more than it hurts me.
Janitor: I doubt it.
Dr. Kelso: You moved my car there, didn't you?
Janitor: Like I said... a key to everything.
Quote from Todd
Todd: I know it sounds corny, but we really made a big difference in that person's life in there. I hope she digs her new cans. You did great work. [holds hand for a high-five]
Turk: You know, it's not about me.
[Dr. Cox takes Turk's hand and gives Todd the high-five]
Todd: Assisted 5. I'll take it.
Quote from Elliot
Elliot: I don't think that we're going too quick at all. By the way, what do you do?
Jake: I make and distribute Hungarian pornography.
Elliot: Oh.
Jake: I'm a real estate developer.
Elliot: Oh, thank God.
Quote from Elliot
Elliot: I don't know how much longer I can avoid sleeping with Jake, man.
J.D.: It's easy. If you ever find yourself in a romantic situation, just do something that's a complete turn-off.
Carla: You know, like how you can swallow your whole fist.
Todd: No way! She can't do that!
J.D.: Calm down, boys. Let me just ask. Can you really swallow your whole fist?
Elliot: Yeah.
Men: Ooh. Shh. Don't ruin it.
Carla: Men are twisted.